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July 18, 2007

Thigh Master

Woman #1: “Ouch. Ouch. Ow. Ouch. Ow. Ow. Ouch. Owee. Ow. Ouch.”

Woman #2: “What’s wrong with you? Why are you walking like a robot?”

Woman #1: “Ugh. I started going to the gym again, and I think I overdid it yesterday. I can’t walk – it hurts to move.”

Woman #2: “Nice.”

Woman #1: “Hey, slow down. Let me ask you guys something. Do you know that hip adductor/abductor machine? The one where you squeeze your thighs in or push them out?”

Woman #3: “Yeah – the Madonna-Whore machine.”

Woman #1: “Exactly. So… which one is easier for you?”

Woman #2: “Which one what?”

Woman #1: “Squeezing your thighs together or pushing them out?”

Woman #2: “Oh, squeezing together. Totally.”

Woman #3: “Yeah – that’s way easier.”

Woman #1: “Are you serious? See, that’s what I was afraid of. It’s way easier for me to push my thighs out than to pull them in. I can do 85, 90 pounds pushing out, and only like 40 pounds pulling in.”

Woman #3: “What? That doesn’t make sense. Maybe you’re not doing it right.”

Woman #1: “You sit in a chair and squeeze your legs together – what’s not to do right?”

Woman #3: “Hmm. Well, that just seems wrong.”

Woman #1: “But that’s my point. Does it say something about me that it’s so much easier for me to spread my legs than to close them?”

Woman #2: “Gross.”

Woman #3: “It says that you’re genetically predisposed to being a whore.”

Woman #1: “That’s what I thought. But why am I discovering this so late in life?”

Posted by runjenrun at July 18, 2007 06:31 AM

Comments

Which just may explain why I suck at push ups.

Posted by: RW at July 17, 2007 10:54 PM

I don't know. No matter how you cut it, that machine's a whore trainer.

But what's the equivalent man machine?

Posted by: peefer at July 18, 2007 08:38 AM

I always wondered what the point of that machine was and now, thanks to a girl named Jenny, I find out that it's a Whore Detector. So, from now on whenever I see a woman using it, I'll point at her and yell WHORE!!! as sort of an FYI to everyone else in the gym.

Posted by: You can call me, 'Sir' at July 18, 2007 09:31 AM

RW: you'll never make it through basic training with that kind of attitude, private!

peefer: good question - so what machine trains men to be pimps? hmm... i'm gonna guess a patriarchal society that devalues the role of strong, independent women and the fashion industry's hyper-sexualization of young girls that teaches them to base their esteem solely on waist size? whoa... heh. lighten up peef. geez. just a joke. 'lil feminist humor never hurt anyone. sheesh. ;)

sir: you'll be doing the entire gym a service. just be sure to have a clear path to the emergency exit...

Posted by: jenny at July 18, 2007 09:58 AM

We call those The Slut Machines. They are my favorite. I'm not sure I want to know what that says about me.

Posted by: Jennie at July 18, 2007 10:47 AM

That's so freakin' awesome, I can hardly stand it.

Posted by: Tracy Lynn at July 18, 2007 06:12 PM

whoa, these are called whore trainers/slut machines?!?

i am assuming that dave is working on a design for tcon07.5.

my guess is that they will have to go with checked baggage.

Posted by: /\ at July 18, 2007 09:42 PM

I need to try that out ;)

Posted by: kilax at July 18, 2007 10:20 PM

I didn't know we go to the same gym!

Posted by: Pants at July 19, 2007 12:35 AM

Now if only I can come up with a way to incorporate a Herpes Detector into these Slut Machines...

Posted by: Iron Fist at July 19, 2007 12:40 AM

jennie: slut machines? probably a regional difference.

tracy lynn: you wouldn't say that if you saw the way I... i mean Woman #1 was walking. medieval torture device!

/\: excellent idea! the next tequilacon will be held in my gym. every machine has cable tv...

kilax: have you learned nothing from this cautionary tale? these things are dangerous!

pants: sure - you must've seen me. i was the one who had to ask to be carried down the stairs.

iron fist: well, i usually do a quick culture swab before i sit down on any machine at the gym anyway, so i'm sure we can think of something.

Posted by: jenny at July 19, 2007 07:52 AM

I still wish my gym had rotiserie chicken. It was chicken, right?

Posted by: Pants at July 19, 2007 01:37 PM

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