Clear Indications That I Need a Job Very, Very Soon

  • I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about winning the lottery, but can’t bear to part with $1.00 for the ticket.

  • The breadcrumb-to-meat ratio in my meatloaf keeps increasing. I’m only a few weeks away from making meat-scented bread.

  • I came in the other day to find my cats eating Kleenex because I had to buy them generic cat food instead of Science Diet. True story.

  • When I flipped on the Maury Povich Show the other day, I found myself actually caring who that lady’s baby’s daddy was.

  • I switched from Starbuck’s lattes to White Hen drip coffee. Oh the humanity!

  • I bought potpourri.

  • I have rearranged my living room furniture seven times in the past month, but I only have a love seat and one chair. They just keep swapping places.

  • I am spending too much time role-playing job interviews with my cats. On my last interview, I hissed at the recruiter, coughed up a hairball, and then started licking my shoulder.

  • Now when I watch The Price Is Right, I actually know how much Tuna Helper costs.

  • Yesterday I walked past a half-eaten bag of McDonald’s french fries on the ground and for a split second thought, “Huh. I’ll bet some of them are still good.”

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