Hey – are you in for karaoke tonight? We’re going at 9:00. Don’t disappoint me again!
Subject: Re: Karaoke
So… here’s the thing. I’ve got to work a tradeshow tonight and there’s a late night cocktail reception deal afterwards. Corporate stuff. Lots of suits. Don’t think I’ll get out in time. Sing something pretty for me.
PS – Stop yelling at me!
Subject: Fwd: Re: Karaoke
I don’t know why I even bother. You are tipping the scales in LFQ right now. That’s Lame Friend Quotient. Who do you think you are? You’ve let us all down.
Nat – I’m really frustrated with Jenny’s lack of participation. She doesn’t go to karaoke. She didn’t come to my Jim Jarmusch movie marathon. I’ve decided to host a film festival in her honor called “Films Jenny Hates.” I’m going to pay her $100 to sit through it. Be there.
Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: Karaoke
I think I can already name two movies you’ll put on the “Films Jenny Hates” lineup. But really, why would you do that? If I’m so lame, why do you even want to hang out with me? Maybe you’re really high on the STMWTDQ (that’s Stop Telling Me What To Do Quotient). Did you ever think of that?
PS – Let’s not fight anymore, okay?
So this is where my friendship with Seamus stands right now. He has resorted to paying me for my companionship, yet simultaneously wants to punish me during our time together. I’m starting to think we might need counseling.
He did get me thinking, though, about what movies might make the Films Jenny Hates Film Festival. Because here’s the thing – I swear that I don’t try to be contrary, but there are just certain movies that the whole world loves, and that everyone swears I will adore, but that I just despise. One prime example? It’s a Wonderful Life.
I will admit that I’ve never suffered through the entire movie, but I’ve seen at least an hour of it, and honestly, when Jimmy Stewart is running down the street screaming “Merry Christmas everyone! Merry Christmas!” at the end, it makes me want to go all Elvis and shoot out the TV while popping sleeping pills and eating a fluffernutter sandwich.
[Ironically, I adore the movie, Miracle on 34th Street. I mean, come on! How can anyone resist that adorable little Natalie Wood?]
Another hobby of Seamus’ is doing his imitation of Al Pacino in Scent of a Woman because it quite literally pushes me to the brink of madness. At least once every couple months, something will remind him of this movie and he’ll immediately start staring out into space, pretending to be blind, and quoting the lines, “Got your head so caught up in the sugar business, you forgot the taste of real honey.”
“I’m too old. I’m too tired. I’m too fuckin’ blind.”
So all this to say, being called out for my own lameness, and the threat of having to watch my least favorite movies made me remember that it is HIGH time for another Weekly Opinion Poll! It’s been ages since I’ve heard what you all think, so now is your chance.
Question: Which critically-acclaimed, perennial fan favorite movie makes you want to scream, “What is wrong with you people?! This movie is a colossal piece of crap!” while ripping out fistfuls of your own hair?
A. It’s a Wonderful Life
B. Scent of a Woman
C. Garden State (Must. Kill. Natalie Portman.)
D. Swimming Pool (Foolishly bought this on DVD based on positive reviews alone. $17.99 and two hours of my life I’ll never get back again.)
E. Vanilla Sky (Must. Kill. Tom Cruise.)
F. Sideways (Don’t even get me started.)
G. Other (please explain)