Woman 1: …
Woman 2: …
[Elevator stops abruptly and doors open up approximately four inches, somewhere between the 15th and 16th floors.]
Woman 1: Uh… okay?
Woman 2: Oh, that can’t be good.
[Woman 2 presses the button for the 16th floor several times, to no avail. Woman 1 presses the Close Doors button several times, to no avail.]
Woman 1: That’s just great.
Woman 2: Yeah, this is pretty much my fault. I’ve got this black cloud following me around lately. But I have a granola bar in my bag…
Woman 1: Ha! Well, I guess I should press the alarm button.
Woman 2: Go for it.
[Elevator suddenly starts to go up, passes Woman 2’s floor, and stops at Woman 1’s floor.]
Voice of God over Intercom: Hello? Security. Is there a problem?
Woman 1: Nope, it’s not stuck anymore. We’re good.
Woman 2: Well, based on my luck lately, I think I’m taking the stairs back down.
Woman 1: Probably a good idea. Good luck with that black cloud!
Woman 2: You too… I mean thanks!
Woman 1: …
Woman 1: “We took Jessica to see Santa last weekend at the mall – my god what a madhouse!”
Woman 2: “Oh, I can imagine. How old is she now?”
Woman 1: “Six.”
Woman 2: “So what did she ask Santa for?”
Woman 1: “She told him she wanted to be funny.”
I’m not sure why, but this conversation both warmed my heart, and broke it simultaneously. I hope Jessica gets her wish.
Filed under: Overheard in the Elevator on December 23rd, 2004 | Comments Off
Woman 1: “Hey, did either of you guys hear about that new burger that Hardee’s came out with? It has like, 100 grams of fat and like, 1500 calories.”
Woman 2: “No way! Who would eat that?”
Man 1: “I bet it tastes good.”
Woman 1: “I think it’s called the ‘Monster Burger’ or something like that.”
Woman 2: “That’s sick.”
I was oddly intrigued by this discussion, so when I got off on my floor, I went online to see if such a thing really existed. It does. And Woman 1 was close – it’s actually called the Monster Thickburger. 1420 calories. 107 grams of fat. Two 1/3 lb patties of meat. Three slices of cheese. Four slices of bacon. Mayonnaise. Buttered bun. (I felt so sick when I just wrote, “Buttered bun.”)
I actually tip my hat to the product development folks at Hardee’s. They know they work for a dying chain (I mean, face it, when was the last time you ate at Hardee’s?) so they’re going out in a blaze of glory. They’re not going to pander to all these healthy eating activist groups – the same groups that strong-armed McDonald’s into introducing the McLean Deluxe and the McSalad Shaker.
I think Hardee’s should unapologetically strive to clog as many arteries as they can on their way into bankruptcy. McDonald’s wants to offer healthy alternatives so that independent filmmakers stop making movies like, Super Size Me? I say, let them! Hardee’s should counter McDonald’s every move with the unhealthiest recipes they can concoct:
But now, all admiration aside, I find myself facing a serious dilemma: now that I know about the Monster Thickburger, what about my New Year’s resolution to eat a slider at White Castle? I can’t have two resolutions revolving around beef. Not again. What’s a girl to do?
Filed under: Overheard in the Elevator on November 18th, 2004 | Comments Off
[16th Floor. Three women and one man get on the elevator. One of women is listening to her iPod. Man and other two women silently stare ahead. The volume on woman’s iPod is extremely loud and everyone on the elevator can hear the music.]
Woman 1 [softly mouthing words]: “My… milkshake brings all the boys to the yard…”
Woman 2: “And they’re like, it’s better than yours…”
Woman 3: “Damn right, it’s better than yours…”
Man: “I could teach you, but I’d have to charge.”
Filed under: Overheard in the Elevator on November 10th, 2004 | Comments Off
Woman 1: “Heh heh. Four more years!!”
Woman 2: “…”
Man 1: “…”
Woman 3: “…”
Woman 4: “…”
Man 2: “…”
Woman 5: “…”
Woman 2: “Mmm. Hey – is The Apprentice on tonight or tomorrow?”
Woman 4: “Tomorrow.”
Woman 2: “Cool.”
Filed under: Overheard in the Elevator on November 4th, 2004 | Comments Off
Woman 1: “Hey Margaret. So, what time are you leaving today?”
Woman 2: “Not until 5:00!”
Woman 1: “Uggh. That sucks.”
Woman 2: “No kidding.”
[Ed. note: These were two employees from my company. Never in my entire career have I heard the words “not until” and “5:00” uttered in the same sentence, unless it was more like: When is the four-hour financial review meeting going to start? Uggh. Not until 5:00!
I love my new company. I love it so much that I might fly us both to Massachusetts so that I can marry it. And then my company and I are going to adopt some babies. Lots and lots of babies.]
Filed under: Overheard in the Elevator on October 25th, 2004 | Comments Off
“Overheard in the Elevator will chronicle the ongoing saga of Run Jen Run on her regular trips up and down the elevator at work. Will she overhear an attempted corporate takeover? Witness the grumblings of disgruntled employees? Learn where complete strangers are going for lunch? It’s really the unpredictable nature of the elevator experience that attracted us to this forum in the first place,” said Jenny X., Chief Marketing Officer of Run Jen Run, Inc. “We are confident that this enhancement will deliver immediate and substantial value to all RJR stockholders, employees, suppliers, and customers. We feel that the addition of this new feature will help us further connect with our customers and build brand loyalty by remaining innovative and fresh.”
Jenny X. continued, “I see the elevator as the corporate version of the confessional. Leave your sins on the 15th floor. Going up, going down. Heaven, hell. Elevators are the great equalizers. Sinner and saint. CEO and maintenance man. We all use them. We all need them.”
In response to concerns from the public that this new feature might be violating people’s privacy by documenting their conversations, Jenny said, “Elevators are a public space. If people choose to reveal private details standing next to total strangers in an enclosed metal box, they accept an inherent risk that others may overhear them. Personally, I see elevators as miniature stages, where the audience is captive and the admission is free. Deep down, we all know that what we say on an elevator is a performance. I’m just taking this to the next level by actually publishing it. Plus, I change all the names, so my Legal Department has assured me that I’m covered.”
Overheard in the Elevator
Blonde Woman: “Hey, do you know when Girl Scout cookies come out?”
Other Blonde Woman: “Uhh… I’m not sure. But I think my husband just bought something from the Boy Scouts, so it should be pretty soon.”
Blonde Woman: “I hope so. I have to order some of those Samoans. Those are the best!”
Other Blonde Woman: “Now which ones are those?”
Blonde Woman: “Those are the ones with the caramel and chocolate and coconut.”
Other Blonde Woman: “Oh, yeah. Those are good! But I thought they were called Caramel Delights?”
Blonde Woman: “Umm, I’m not sure. Maybe. They’re good, whatever they’re called.”
Filed under: Overheard in the Elevator on October 18th, 2004 | Comments Off