Overheard in the Elevator

Woman 1: “Hey, did either of you guys hear about that new burger that Hardee’s came out with? It has like, 100 grams of fat and like, 1500 calories.”
Woman 2: “No way! Who would eat that?”
Man 1: “I bet it tastes good.”
Woman 1: “I think it’s called the ‘Monster Burger’ or something like that.”
Woman 2: “That’s sick.”
I was oddly intrigued by this discussion, so when I got off on my floor, I went online to see if such a thing really existed. It does. And Woman 1 was close – it’s actually called the Monster Thickburger. 1420 calories. 107 grams of fat. Two 1/3 lb patties of meat. Three slices of cheese. Four slices of bacon. Mayonnaise. Buttered bun. (I felt so sick when I just wrote, “Buttered bun.”)
I actually tip my hat to the product development folks at Hardee’s. They know they work for a dying chain (I mean, face it, when was the last time you ate at Hardee’s?) so they’re going out in a blaze of glory. They’re not going to pander to all these healthy eating activist groups – the same groups that strong-armed McDonald’s into introducing the McLean Deluxe and the McSalad Shaker.
I think Hardee’s should unapologetically strive to clog as many arteries as they can on their way into bankruptcy. McDonald’s wants to offer healthy alternatives so that independent filmmakers stop making movies like, Super Size Me? I say, let them! Hardee’s should counter McDonald’s every move with the unhealthiest recipes they can concoct:

  • McD’s offers apple slices in Happy Meals – Hardee’s offers deep fried cheese curds (It’s a Wisconsin thing. Mmmm… deep fried cheese!)
  • McD’s offers gourmet salads – Hardee’s offers gourmet pasta carbonara wrapped inside a deep fried pasty puff
  • McD’s offers bottled water instead of pop – Hardee’s offers melted butter instead of milk
    But now, all admiration aside, I find myself facing a serious dilemma: now that I know about the Monster Thickburger, what about my New Year’s resolution to eat a slider at White Castle? I can’t have two resolutions revolving around beef. Not again. What’s a girl to do?
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