Pixellated, or Back the F*** Up, Mr. DeMille

Is it Friday already? Has another week passed? It seems impossible, but here we are, almost in September. I should explain that I have been a bit preoccupied this week dealing with the depression of… a friend. Yes, my friend… Penny… she’s been very depressed this week. Penny also likes to write sometimes, but she hasn’t written lately because she’s been in a funk. In fact, she was just recounting a conversation she had the other day with her dear friend… Bivian.
Bivian: “Hey Penny! What’s up with your blog? Why haven’t you posted anything new this week? It’s almost Friday!”
Penny: “Oh, hi Bivian. I’m not in the mood. I don’t want to write anything. Nothing’s funny anymore.”
Bivian: “What? What are you talking about? Why?”
Penny: “I don’t know. No reason. I bought a digital camera on Sunday.”
Bivian: “Cool! What kind?”
Penny: “A really nice one. It’s really pretty, and silver, and makes bird chirp sounds when I turn it on. But it has five megapixels.”
Bivian: “Five mexapixels is fine! That should take really nice photos.”
Penny: “Yeah, but they should have warned me.”
Bivian: “About what?”
Penny: “Not to take a self portrait with it.”
So then Vivi-, I mean Bivian asked Penny… oh forget it. Look, I’m talking about myself here. I’m Penny. Penny is me. I bought the damn five megapixel camera. I took a self portrait. And now I’m dealing with the ramifications, which have yet to be remedied by glass after glass of fruit fly tainted wine.
Look, I know I should have known better, but there are only so many pictures of my cats that I can take, don’t you see?! And I don’t have an artistic eye, so trying to take moody photos of a door frame just didn’t work for me. So I did what eventually everyone with a digital camera does. I took off my glasses, licked my hand and patted down my hair, looked to the side, held the camera at arm’s length and pressed the button.
Why? Why didn’t the instruction manual come with some WARNING! stickers? I even flipped through the French version – there was nothing that said ATTENTION! at all.
If I worked for Canon, you know what I would do? I would have the customer’s best interest in mind at all times. I would make sure that they put clear warning labels in every digital camera manual. It would say something like:
WARNING: Self portraits taken at arm’s length with a five megapixel (or greater) camera will destroy any delusions of youth and beauty you once had.
Because here’s the thing: when your pores each take up 100,000 pixels, it’s not a pretty sight.
And then there’s the zoom function. Oh god, the zoom. Hmm… what’s that? Oh, it’s just a varicose vein in your eyeball. IN MY EYEBALL, PEOPLE!
It is only by the grace of god that I haven’t figured out how to post photos on this site yet, because oh, when that fateful day comes. Hide your children.

17 Responses to “Pixellated, or Back the F*** Up, Mr. DeMille”

  1. brando Says:

    yeah, you need to get a digital rebel, with a 300 mm lens, a tripod and a remote control.
    not that i would ever do that…

  2. shari Says:

    The camera always adds 10 years… or was that pounds… or maybe whiskers… or was it…? Never mind, whatever you saw in the photo was OBviously the camera’s fault. Shall I sue ‘em for you? ;)

  3. brandon Says:

    okay, now i’m just getting greedy.

  4. Jenny Says:

    B: Fourth! Oh, wait. This is my blog, isn’t it? I thought I was on dooce’s for a second – people don’t usually vie for position here. Anyway – my camera was rebellious enough this week without getting one that’s actually called a Rebel. I may pick up the new Canon Revolting 6000, though.

    S: See! You understand! Thank you! I’m certain that it added all those things and then some. Let’s see… emotional pain and suffering – $1 million, loss of employment – $500,000. We’ve got a solid case.

  5. Anonymous Says:

    Dear Penny I mean Jenny,
    We’ve all had bad photos! Remember that one of me at Tracy’s 30th birthday party? In it I’m falling off the circus trampoline she rented for the occasion, and it appears that the skin on my face has separated from my skull? How bad could yours really be?? You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself! Taking self-portraits (especially) is a difficult task, because, as you’ve appreciated, our arms are only so long. So sometimes we use mirrors or the reflection in glass. And then sometimes are bodies are wavy or in shadows. Sometimes we take pictures of our feet, because we can actually see them. And sometimes we ask someone else to do the snapping.
    Breathe in breathe out and try again!!
    Bivian I mean Vivian
    P.S. The great thing about digital cameras is the delete button. If you don’t like the photos you’re taking, they can disappear in an instant!

  6. Jessica Says:

    “Moody photos of door frames” – *snort*!

  7. Jessica Says:

    OH – and “Back the “F” up, Mr. DeMille???
    Jenny, when can we look forward to your stand up on open mic night?

  8. Omar Says:

    I think the lesson here is clear: don’t show the pictures of your cats TO your cats because they’re all about appearance and you never know how they’ll react. Some kitties might go into a funk, too. Others might be a bit upset. Case in point: My wife put a slideshow of our cat as a screensaver and he walked by it one day. That was about three weeks ago, and my exposed ankles still aren’t safe.

  9. Robert Says:

    That’s exactly WHY I bought a nice camera. When you’re the photographer, you NEVER have to be in the shots. I’ve taken a couple thousand shots with my camera since getting it a while back, and only one has been of me, and that was a freaky double-exposure-weird-obscuring tint thing.
    When you want a quick and easy hand with posting your cat photos, e-mail me.

  10. Jessica Says:

    Might I just say you are one hilarious woman.

  11. Carrington Says:

    As a longtime member of the “I Think Jenny Is A Hottie” Club (Canadian branch), I’d just like to point out that none of our members believe a word of this post. Not one word, missy.

  12. kc & the sunshine band Says:

    well, it can’t possibly be as bad as that 50’s potluck shot viv used for a slideshow once…we’ve been thru worse times then this before…

  13. kc & the sunshine band Says:

    well, it can’t possibly be as bad as that 50’s potluck shot viv used for a slideshow once…we’ve been thru worse times then this before…

  14. Anonymous Says:

    Hey KC,
    I still have that slide and a photo of it!!!

  15. Jenny Says:

    J1: I’ll be performing at Zany’s Laugh Factory from 9/15-9/28. Two drink minimum and $10 cover. (uh, you know I’m joking, right?)

    O: I put the gigantic photo of my pores on my screen, and one of my cats freaked out. She started whapping my giant eyeball on the screen.

    R: Smart move – and I may take you up on the offer if I start to tear my hair out with movable type.

    J2: Thanks! You might say that, but then I might make you my new best friend. Are you ready for that kind of commitment?

    C: Oh, Canada. You know how to make a gal feel all squishy inside – thanks! And you’ve given me one more reason on my “Top 100 Reasons to Someday Move to Canada.” Reason #83 recently came from Randa at Garden Geek, when she told me that Canadians eat french fries with cheese curds covered in gravy. Je m’appelle Jenny, et j’adore les Canadiens!

    KC and V: I LOVE that photo! In fact, I’d gladly post that one over anything I’ve taken so far w/ my high powered digital camera. I’m all nostalgic now…

  16. teahouseblossom Says:

    It’s ok to post self-portraits! We’ll still love you and think you’re beautiful.
    I’m no good at photographing myself with a camera. I think it’s because my arms aren’t long enough.

  17. Dave Says:

    Jenny, Please, for the love of anything that anyone believes is Holy. Ask your local camera shop to install a breathalyzer on your camera.
    My roommate, bless her heart, mixed a digital camera with Captain Morgan. Think Professional-grade camera. Think self-portrait. Think naked. Think FULL LENGHT MIRROR.
    She may never be the same.