Take Thy (Chicken) Beak From Out My Heart


As I was leaving the gym tonight, my attention was drawn toward two signs on the wall by the steam room. The first one announced “Free Spinal Checks” from a local chiropractor. It informed me that at least ten different ailments, from headaches to bunions, could be caused by a misalignment of my spine. I cracked my back and moved on to the next sign:

Dear Patrons:

Due to unfortunate circumstances, we will no longer be serving food in our juice bar. However, we will be bringing back free high-speed Internet, and expanding the hours of our juice bar so you can enjoy tasty smoothies and shakes first thing in the morning or late into the evening.
We apologize for any inconvenience this change may cause.

The Management

I’m sorry – “any inconvenience this change may cause?” Are they f*ing kidding me?! The number one reason I joined this stupid gym in the first place was the promise of rotisserie chicken on demand! Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my half-filled “Buy 11 Rotisserie Chickens and Get the 12th Rotisserie Chicken Free!” punch card? I mean, it’s not like Bally’s is going to honor this!

Do they think I was born yesterday? I’ve worked in marketing for my entire career – I invented bait and switch! Oh, man. I am going to write a letter – a scathing letter – to “The Management” and let them know exactly how I feel about this “unfortunate circumstance.” They haven’t seen unfortunate yet!

I mean, what a bunch of crap. So, like, one well-intentioned and eager new member accidentally leaves a rotisserie chicken leg on the treadmill, and another careless gym-goer impales himself on a chicken femur, and suddenly we have to ban rotisserie chicken altogether? I’d like to see them try to go 30 minutes on the treadmill at 2.0 incline and 4.0 speed without eating anything! IT CAN’T BE DONE!

Okay Big Brother. Why don’t you control what I watch on TV while I’m working out on your newly chicken-free elliptical trainers? Why don’t you tell me what I can and cannot listen to on my iPod while doing the thigh-squeezy machine? Why don’t you stop me from doing that back exercise on that one machine just because I’m sitting in it backwards and could do permanent damage to my spine? (Okay, actually, I kind of appreciated that one… but still!)

I’m not just going to sit back and take this. Beginning tomorrow, I’m getting a petition started to bring back the poultry! You can break down my muscles, but you will never break my spirit!
Attica! Attica!

25 Responses to “Take Thy (Chicken) Beak From Out My Heart”

  1. allison Says:

    I’ll sign a petition. People need their protein, dammit.

  2. Pants Says:

    I think you should sue.

  3. communicatrix Says:

    There have been an awful lot of posts about this here gym, missy. Where are the posts about getting your liver in shape? Or are you half-assing us about this here tequila thingy?

  4. asia Says:

    You know, I was just thinking of you the other day when I was at the gym because I walked in and lo! right there under an archway of balloons was a buffet filled with ribs, chicken strips, drumsticks and all manner of meaty grease, framed with an array of saturated dips. I know why… do you?? It is because we are at the threshold of failed resolutions.
    All the machines are broken and out of service anyway cause of all the novice misuse they have been battered with during this enthusiastic month.
    Anyway, I wished you were there and we could have eaten drumsticks on the treadmill together.

  5. Sarah Says:

    How could they leave it so vague????

  6. jenny Says:

    Allison: I knew I could count on your support. Power to the people!
    Pants: Yeah! So do I! And I know there are several lawyers out there reading this right now – maybe we could file a class action lawsuit!
    communicatrix: Fear not. I have done absolutely no work on my core (which Mari Winsor of Winsor Pilates calls your “powerhouse”), so my entire belly area is still completely soft and flexible, allowing it to expand to make room for my enlarged and slightly grey liver. We’ll be fine come April.
    asia: I can think of nothing I would love more than to share a heaping plate of bbq ribs w/ you while jogging on treadmills side by side. I could let the bones drop onto the treadmill and watch them shoot off behind me. Just like the fourth of July!
    Sarah: I KNOW! “Unfortunate circumstances?” WTF?

  7. roxie Says:

    OMG you are too funny. I’ll join your cause.
    Attica! Attica!
    Yelling it when you’re alone doesn’t really do it justice.

  8. alissa Says:

    Next thing you know the tv’s will only play the movies “chicken little”, “Valiant” and “chicken run” (hahaha – I love chickens with British accents) over and over and over again to taunt you…

  9. Kevin Says:

    You’ve gotta fight (DUN DUN)
    for your right (dun dun dun dun dun)
    for pooooullllll-try!!!

  10. The Scarlett Says:

    This is a fowl development!

  11. jenny Says:

    Roxie: But with all our voices, rising up together, we will be a force to be reckoned with!
    Alissa: I think almost any animal sounds better with a British accent. Chicken Run is the best!
    Kevin: Finally! The Beastie Boys now have an important cause to fight for: me!
    Scarlett: Ouch. That pun was so bad it hurt! I’d try to top it, but I’m a little chicken. Someone might throw something at me, and I don’t know how fast I can duck.

  12. Anonymous Says:

    Dear Jenny,
    I think the universe is telling you that the time for you to become a vegetarian has finally arrived. It’s the next step in your resolution of health and happiness.
    Let the animals live.

  13. peefer Says:

    An outrage! They’re out of their pluckin minds. And cheep, too. This is a gravy situation indeed.
    Bring the hens forth henceforth. I wish you much cluck with the petition. Or perhaps a coop to overtake the management?
    P spent.

  14. peefer Says:

    CHICK: Momma, am I a people person?
    HEN: No, you’re a chicken.
    CHICK: Do I come from a people person?
    HEN: No, you come from an egg.
    CHICK: Do eggs come from people persons?
    HEN: No, eggs are laid.
    CHECK: Are people persons laid?
    HEN: Not all. Some are chicken.

  15. peefer Says:

    shoot me now, please

  16. jenny Says:

    Viv: GRRRR!! RRAAWWRRR!! SNARRRLL! Meat! Meat! Meat!
    Peefer 1-3: God god, man! You’ve gone mad! Stop running around like a chicken with its hea-… oh, never mind.

  17. shari Says:

    Jenny, they were cutting their losses because you obviously weren’t eating enough rotisserie chicken in sufficiently condensed periods of time! See? THAT’s what caused this whole travesty. Maybe if you promise to eat more, and eat it faster, they’ll bring it back for you?

  18. Neil Says:

    You must be in amazing shape because you go to this gym so often. Or did you just go to pick up the chicken and leave?

  19. jenny Says:

    Shari: If they would hang the chicken from a rope in front of the treadmill so I could take a bite every minute or so, then we’d be in business. Maybe I’ll propose this to them…
    Neil: Since I joined the gym, I have gained 4 lbs and my pants are tighter than ever. There’s your answer. :(

  20. Tracy Lynn Says:

    Dude, the wrongness of this situation is overwhelming. Why would anyone join a gym without the opportunity to eat rotesserie chicken?
    I don’t know what this world is coming to, I really don’t.

  21. teahouseblossom Says:

    I’m totally with you on that. Denial of rotisserie chicken is definitely a deal breaker in the decision as to whether to stay with a gym.
    I think they should give you a free one, since you were already filling up the punch card!

  22. Marc Says:

    I can probably guess which gym you are referring to and believe me you are probably better off without the chicken. “Unfortunate circumstances” is probably code for someone dying of salmonella poisoning. Nothing that management does would surprise me. This is the gym where the management posts crazy memos as if they were professional bloggers right?

  23. jenny Says:

    Tracy Lynn: It really is a travesty, isn’t it?
    THB: Maybe I could get free smoothies for a month. They’re really healthy, ’cause they’re made with fruit! Never mind the fact that they have 800 calories each… they’ve got mangoes and bananas in them!
    Marc: Oh, yeah. You know the gym. Now that you mention it, there are an awful lot of obscure memos posted on the walls. But now with no more salmonella-chicken, I may have to resort to eating the koi… ;)

  24. Bobby Says:

    Ha! That reminds me – this health spa – work out place my dad and I used to go to got sold to a Chinese family who turned it into a big restaurant. I used to wonder whether they kept the pool and the sauna and whirlpool and all in the back. That’d be pretty sweet, actually. Work a double shift in your restaurant, and then just kick it in the back in the steam room and take a dip. Pass out in the chair next to the pool.

  25. sandra Says:

    Mmm…rotisserie chicken…am now having a nearly uncontrollable craving…