Once Upon a Time in DC: Chapter One

“We’re gonna hit it hard in DC,” he said, as he handed me a small package, “And this mix CD I made for you is just the beginning.”
“Did you bring Greedo?”
“What do you think?”
I don’t know why I even asked – Dr. Greene always came prepared. And true to his word, we would hit it, and hit it hard in DC. Dee-Dee just sat innocently in the back seat, unaware of the adventures that awaited us.
“So do we get to know what the plans are, or is that a surprise?”
“All in due time, ladies. All in due time,” he said, as he turned up the volume on Fantasy.
It was my 35th birthday, so my friends and I flew out to DC to meet up with Dr. Greene and our friend Alexis, who shares my birthday. Vivian was taking the train in from New York and would meet us the next day.
The last time I was in DC on vacation, I was a wide-eyed 11-year old crossing guard captain, heavily crushing on a swarthy boy from Appleton, WI who was sitting three rows in front of me on the tour bus. We were on the same crossing guard field trip, he in his yellow windbreaker, I in my green. I took spy photos of him with my Kodak Disc camera and giggled with my girlfriends as we said his name and ducked behind the seats. Somewhere in the dark corners of my parents’ basement lies a single photo of that boy, his face blurred as he turned around to find the source of the laughter and camera flashes. I remember he had heavy eyebrows.
Our plane had been delayed, so Dee-Dee and I told Dr. Greene to drive us straight to the restaurant. The only freshening up we needed to do involved salt, lime and tequila. Our first pitcher went down very quickly.
As did the second.
Natasha and Alexis arrived somewhere in the middle of the second round, and we waited patiently for a table as we watched stubborn women start a fight with a mentally unstable man over a bar stool. DC is high strung, I observed.
We ate at a Mexican restaurant whose name I can’t recall, and I’m pretty sure I had shrimp, but really, these details are irrelevant. What is important to note is that we got what would be the first of several birthday desserts.
After remembering that I detest flan, I prodded the team to lead us to the next venue. The night was still young. I was still 34.
We ended up at a bourbon bar, where I was told that ordering bourbon on the rocks was not hitting it hard.
“Ice is for pansies,” Dr. Greene told me, but I wanted to last the night.
With each sip of whiskey, my body grew more relaxed, as did my memory. I needed to jot down some notes from the evening, but my notebook was immediately ripped from my hands.
“What are you writing?” Natasha slurred.
“Give me that!”
“No, let me see it!”
“What’s she writing? Are you writing about us?”
“Let me write something. I’m gonna write a haiku.”
Suddenly my notebook was being tossed from person to person, like a cruel schoolyard game of monkey in the middle. By the time I finally got it back, seven pages were filled with jibberish like:
Tops off in 2006
Live, live, live.
T-Con 2006!

Old man?
Olds Cutlass?

Whore eyes, you will get
Some whore eyes they will be sexy
Whore eyes, whore eyes I see

Even my camera was hijacked. Although I’m not a fan of violence, I was drunk, and frankly, the only way to get it back was by force.
punch dg.jpg
By the time I had retrieved that which was rightfully mine and polished off the remainder of my bourbon, I glanced down at my watch and realized it was just two minutes to midnight. Thirty-five had almost arrived.
[To be continued]

22 Responses to “Once Upon a Time in DC: Chapter One”

  1. shari Says:

    Aaaaaugh! The suspense is killing me!! Did you turn 35 or NOT?????

  2. the_editter Says:

    who is franky?

  3. jenny Says:

    Shari: LOL! You’ll just have to wait and find out…
    Editter: He’s a friend of mine who catches all my typos. :)

  4. asia Says:

    That is a lot of excitement before midnight… can the night possibly get better?

  5. Dave2 Says:

    Greedo rules!
    He would look great next to my Admiral Ackbar action figure.

  6. Jessica Says:

    So fun, Jen – glad you had a great time!

  7. sween Says:

    God… any trip that begins with Greedo has to go well. He did shoot first, didn’t he? Please tell me he shot first?

  8. Kevin Says:

    Did your Greedo shoot first or not at all?
    Damn, just noticed Sween beat me to it.

  9. Anonymous Says:

    Dear Jenny,
    I’m sorry I missed day one. Although those margaritas look a little imtimidating. As does that little green man.

  10. Tracy Lynn Says:

    Did your Greedo…oh, just forget it.
    Booze, violence AND flan, all BEFORE midnight?!! Good grief, Jen, next you’ll be telling us you knocked over an armoured car and ran off to Aruba with a terrorist named Sven.

  11. jenny Says:

    asia: You would think it impossible, but it really did!
    Dave2: Even with the flan on his feet?
    Jess: Thanks – we definitely did!
    Sween: Well, he puked first, if that’s what you mean. But Han never pukes.
    Kevin: Yeah, watch your back with Sween. He’s sneaky quick.
    Viv: They were intimidating at first, but then felt like an old friend. (Your part’s coming up next!)
    Tracy Lynn: Like I said, we hit it hard. But not quite armored car hard.

  12. Neil Says:

    Look at that wide-eyed 11 year old crossing guard captain all grown up now — a drunken, violent, slut!

  13. ms. sizzle Says:

    i love the pictures. and “whore eyes” is my new favorite term.

  14. egan Says:

    I wondered where my Greedo Star Wars figure went.

  15. Cheryl Says:

    Somewhere in my closet at my dad’s house, there is a picture of my friend Bonnie, a trash can, and a sexy blur named Jeff McLellan. Ah, the good old days.

  16. The Scarlett Says:

    You look a little like Tina Fey in that last picture.
    And, Egan, how long have you been hanging around here?

  17. jenny Says:

    Neil: You certainly know how to charm a lady! ;)
    Sizz: Thanks! And “whore eyes” should really make its way into everyone’s vocabulary.
    Egan: He’s alive and well and living in DC!
    Cheryl: At least your sexy blur has a name. Mine will forever remain a mystery. Was Bonnie hiding behind the trash can?
    Scarlett: I wish I looked like Tina Fey – thanks! And I tricked Egan into coming here a while ago…

  18. teahouseblossom Says:

    Hey, Happy Birthday!! Sounds like you had fun..well, so far.
    My sister lives in DC. I love that city. It’s wild and crazy!

  19. sandra Says:

    1. I adore that you thought of TequilaCon while drunk.
    2. You DO look like Tina Fey!
    3. Suspense = killing me
    4. Happy post-birthday!

  20. ashbloem Says:

    I hope to see Greedo in NYC.
    This post rocks.

  21. egan Says:

    Scarlett, I first saw Jen’s blog about four months ago. I didn’t start commenting on it until a couple weeks ago.
    Jen, did my brother give you Greedo? I told him not to give those to people because they are valuable. He didn’t listen to me though.

  22. Mary Says:

    What (crazy) fun!
    Jeopardy is suuuccchhh a cool song!