Snack Attack

As a friend, you learn that there are boundaries you must not cross. Honesty is essential in every friendship, but that must be tempered with kindness and common sense. There are rules we all know and understand: you never speak ill of their siblings, you must not reveal that you always hated their exes, you concur with them when they tell the officer the light was still yellow.
These are universally understood. But no one ever sent me this addendum to the agreement: thou shalt not criticize thy friend’s corporate vending machines.
Natasha: “Oh, I have to stop in my office before we go. I need to pick up my laptop.”
Jenny: “That’s cool.”
[The two arrive at Natasha’s office. Jenny waits in the hallway while Nat gathers her things.]
Jenny: “Hey, what’s up with your generic vending machine food?”
Natasha: “Huh?”
Jenny: “Crunchitos? Honey Buns? Big Texas Cinnamon Rolls? What kind of broke ass company do you work for?”
Natasha: “Shut up! What are you talking about? We have normal food in there!”
Jenny: “Oh, you mean like the Austin Vanilla Cremes? Or the Choco Layer Cookies? What the hell is a choco layer?”
Natasha: “Shut up! Well then… what do you have in your vending machines?”
Jenny: “Uh, Nutter Butters? Oreos? Hostess Twinkies? Perhaps you’ve heard of them?”
Natasha [voice getting softer]: “Shut up. The Austin Vanilla Creme cookies are fine. People have too heard of them.”
Jenny: “What?”
Natasha [trailing off]: “I mean, it’s not like I even eat anything out of there…”
Jenny: “Huh? What’d you say?”
Natasha: “Nothing. Let’s go.”
[Twenty minutes later, in Natasha’s car]
Jenny: “You totally work for Hydrox Corp.”
Natasha: “SHUT UP!

21 Responses to “Snack Attack”

  1. RW Says:

    It may be regional. There’s no UTZ potato chips east of Pittsburgh and that is a crime.
    And I can’t understand how anyone can pop 75 cents in a vending machine for a MoonPie when the machine has been sitting in 80-degree heat for a week.
    I mean… don’t people realize we’re eating the NAME for God’s sake!

  2. number4of5 Says:

    I will not allow you to mock the Hydrox. Hydrox are da’ bomb. Give in to the Hydrox Jenny, it will be OK.
    And RW, we have UTZ in DC and that is east of Pittstain, I mean Pittsburg. But they also sell them in Boston now.

  3. RW Says:

    OOps I meant west. I said east but I was actually pointing

  4. Kevin Says:

    I think Hydrox would be high class compared to the stuff in that machine.
    RW, I’ve seen UTZ out here before. Can’t remember where, but I’ve seen them. For anyone wondering, I’m referring to the Chicago suburbs.

  5. Steve Says:

    I suppose that puts a little twist on the phrase “caveat vendor”.
    Speaking of candy (sort of), I thought your line about the nose candy and the snorting surface of choice was hilarious. We’d taken off at that point, but Mocha Momma’s account allowed us to picture the scene well.

  6. Tracy Lynn Says:

    The weird thing is when you get the regional differences in the vending machines. Here in Maine, it is entirely possible to find a soda machine with Moxie in it. And Drake’s is prominent. Plus Cape cod chips and Little Lad Herbal Corn, which is the best popcorn in the world.
    That said, Vending food today is not as fun as it used to be, when you could get disgusting sandwiches and stuff. And there were tons of them.
    Japan is the Land Of The Vending Machine. I saw where they had one that dispensed, are you ready? Used women’s panties.

  7. Anonymous Says:

    Dear Jenny,
    When you work in the nonprofit sector, you have to bring your own snacks. I like Cliff or Luna bars. Sometimes a Health Valley apple tart.

  8. Big Texas Nat (BTN) Says:

    Let the record show that the image shown is NOT my vending machine. Also those Honey Buns and Cinnamon Rolls you made fun of–are from none other than Chicago’s own Cloverhill Bakery– a name synonymous with premium quality, freshness and value.

  9. jenny Says:

    RW: Do MoonPies really have anything in them that could spoil? And I’ve never heard of UTZ – perhaps a trip out east is needed…
    4of5: But I just read online that they don’t make Hydrox anymore! Are you stashing some in your bomb shelter?
    Kevin: Yeah, Hydrox definitely ranks higher than Austin Vanilla Cremes!
    Steve: I think that by the second round of mojitos/cosmos, people started to get a little rowdy. At least that Mocha gal sure did… ;)
    Tracy Lynn: Used women’s underwear? Good god. You know full well that there’s just some gross guy with a case of underwear who puts them on, runs around the block, and pops them in the vending machine. Gak!
    Viv: You guys don’t even get vending machines? Daaannng! That’s why i really should just stay in the for-profit world. But I guess you get all that group-hugging, so it’s a fair trade.
    Natasha: Okay, fine. So that might not be your actual vending machine, what with the “M&P’s” and the “Jebus” bars, but it’s darn near close! Cloverhill Bakeries… whatever!

  10. j!ll Says:

    Jenny, this was so perfectly played. So well written. The punchline, seriously? I gasped and shout-laughed HA! People are peeking at me around corners. I’m at work, dammit. Stop being so funny. :)

  11. sandra Says:

    Jenny, I’m with you on this one. We’re vending machine snobs in my office — to the point that we have one machine (with soft drinks) which we are constantly fixing because most of our office prefers Red Bull over Rock Star — because Red Bull is the wrong size for the machine. Name brand processed food all the way!

  12. RW Says:

    Utz go real good with Vernor’s….

  13. shari Says:

    I’m with J!ll … shout-laugh and everything! Simply hilarious! Hey, is there an unwritten friendship rule regarding humor envy? I mean, should you be honest about having it?? Hypothetically speaking. Not that I envy anyone or anything, of course, just curious.

  14. Jessica Says:

    “What kind of broke ass company do you work for?” – HAH!
    I love you and Natasha, Jen – I really do.

  15. roy Says:

    From the picture of the vending machine, it looks like you can purchase a yellow cardboard box of sugar, which is disturbing.

  16. teahouseblossom Says:

    When I was a kid, I wasn’t allowed to eat candy from vending machines. My mom tried to convince me that her homemade peanut brittle was much better than anything I could buy. Whatever!!

  17. trisha Says:

    You just made me choke on my Apple Dapples.

  18. jenny Says:

    jill: Aww, thanks! I’m actually trying to get you fired so you’ll move to Chicago.
    Sandra: Your vending maching has Red Bull? You must work in advertising.
    RW: I’ll have to remember that for my next trip out east!
    shari: You should never be honest about envy.
    Jess: Right back at ya!
    Roy: That would be my dream company… boxes of pure sugar – like manna from heaven.
    THB: Homemade peanut brittle? Sounds pretty delightful to me.
    Trisha: Wait – what are Apple Dapples, and why don’t they sell them in my vending machine?!?

  19. trisha Says:

    No breakfast cereal in the machine? Wtf? It’s only the most important meal of the day.
    They are pretend Apple Jacks. And they are not nearly as tasty as the Apple Whirls, I must say.

  20. Dustin Says:

    What are Hydrox and why have I not had the pleasure of consuming one?
    (GASP)Viv works in non-profit!!?!?!? Be still my heart.

  21. TCho Says:

    I love the ipod vending machines in airports.
    I also am nostaligic for those old time coffee or soda vending machines where the cup would drop down and the liquid would squirt out into the cup. I should buy one for my apartment and serve coffee that way. lol.