Me Treasure
Since I know, as well as you, that it’s a really bad idea to write about work on a public website, please understand that the story I’m about to share is based on a discussion I had with a friend of mine. It has nothing to do with any place I have ever worked. But I’m going to write it in the first person so that you feel more connected to the story. You know, since you don’t really know the friend I’m talking about, and all.
There’s this person I work with who brings in candy all the time, which normally I would be really happy about, since I enjoy candy as much as the next guy. Actually, probably a lot more than the next guy. In fact, I’m eating a Charms Blo-Pop as I type this. But the thing is, she brings in deceptively awful candy. All the time. It looks like brand name candy, has the logo wrappers and everything, but at about the second chew, you immediately realize that something is just not right.
Did you ever get a bad peanut in your M&M’s? Where it kind of tastes burnt, or it’s harder than a normal peanut and you check to see if you chipped a tooth? Usually you can cover that taste up by popping another one in really quickly, but just imagine if the next one, and the one after that, were all equally as bad. Where the exception would be the M&M that actually tasted good. This is my world.
Is there a place you can go to buy really old candy that no one wants anymore? Like the Payless Shoe Source of sweets? Does the Dollar Store sell reject bags of candy? Because I just don’t understand how someone can consistently bring in old stale candy. Once in a while you might get a bad run of Snickers, sure. But every time?
You would think the tip off would be the off-holiday themes, like the pastel egg-shaped York Peppermint Patties suddenly appearing in August. Or the black and orange M&M’s in May. Or the E.T. themed Reese’s Pieces. But people apply different standards to office food. It’s like we’re on Survivor and suddenly fish eyeballs just seem like a really good source of protein.
Anyway, so today it was Nestle Caramel Treasures. I resisted at first, I honestly did, because my gut told me it was too good to be true. I smelled a trap. I mean, who gives away good caramel? I’ll tell you who – no one, that’s who. No one gives away good caramel, but what they do give away is dehydrated caramel. Desiccated caramel dust resting inside a waxy shell of chocolate, all wrapped in seductive purple foil.
Was this sitting in her attic for two years? Or perhaps frozen and defrosted fifteen times? How can you even make candy that inedible? And the worst part is that it didn’t get any better by the fourth one.
Filed under: General on July 6th, 2006
July 5th, 2006 at 10:43 pm
Dear Jenny,
How could anyone who knows you in the least have the audacity to mess with your sweet tooth?!?
That said, your options are to either 1) tell her her candy-funky, 2) start giving her a flat coke everyday, or 3) tell her you gave up candy for Lent and when she tells you it’s not Lent anymore to start speaking in tongues.
In other words… good luck because all of those options suck.
Love,
Vivian
July 5th, 2006 at 11:48 pm
Caramel neglect is shameful. Of all things I am weak for caramel and would never leave it untended. You should confront her.
July 6th, 2006 at 6:44 am
Viv: I appreciate that you didn’t tell me to simply stop eating her funky candy. You know me better than that.
Asia: I wish you worked in my office. What should I say? “Hey – your candy is nasty!” or “Stop bringing in that nasty candy!” or “I like my caramels a little less nasty!”
July 6th, 2006 at 7:33 am
I’m sorry, but caramel fraud is just plain evil and wrong. I would have had a hard time not sceaming “JUDAS! BETRAYER!” at her if she had pulled that on me.
Seventh circle of hell for her, you betcha.
July 6th, 2006 at 7:56 am
Ummmm…this is just a thought, mind you, but is it possible that this candy is coming from none other than the generic vending machine at Natasha’s office?!
July 6th, 2006 at 8:06 am
i am right this second eating peanut m&m’s for breakfast, and they are DELICIOUS.
July 6th, 2006 at 9:07 am
Thankfully my officemates all believe in fresh candy. I don’t think we’ve ever had old or stale candy as we all like it too much to do something that despicable to ourselves. The only real problem is finding a way to keep the nighttime cleaning crew from finding and eating all of it afterhours. Bastards!
July 6th, 2006 at 9:12 am
Tracy Lynn: Hey – you gave me an idea. What if I stabbed the caramels on top of pencils and stood them upright all around the candy dish? That would definitely send the right message!
Jess: OMG!! Conspiracy! But wait – these are actually brand name candies. If they were Big Texas Caramels or Austin Choco-Yummies, I would definitely suspect Nat.
kat: Mmm. Tell me again about the yummy M&M’s – were they deliciously yummy?
Kevin: You need a lock on your candy dish! That should be a felony!
July 6th, 2006 at 11:30 am
Of course, your sweet tooth is unscathed, since this scandalous nightmare actually happened to one of your friends that none of us knows, and not you. Right? RIGHT?? Because if someone did that to one of MY friends (and by that I mean you, Jenny), then I’d have to immediately start throwing my weight around, subpeona-ing witnesses and generally bullying the perpetrator into bringing only fresh, yummy Twix bars.
July 6th, 2006 at 12:29 pm
Oh that’s so sad. I mourn caramel’s death.
In terms of “street candy”, I love Skor bars. I also like butterfinger.
But the best chocolate candy that I have EVER had is chocolates by Manon Chocolatier in Belgium. Omg. So good, but $50 for a 1 lb box!
July 6th, 2006 at 12:45 pm
shari: What are you talking a- oohhhhhh! RIGHT. My friend. But I almost wish it had been me, because I love it when you get all legalese and throw your weight around. I feel just like that kid in My Bodyguard. Or the kid in Kramer vs. Kramer.
TCho: “Street candy” is my new favorite expression. And Skors are good – dare I say, better than a Heath bar? But those Europeans sure do know how to make chocolates – with about 5lbs of butter per box. YUM!
July 6th, 2006 at 1:32 pm
Highly amusing, Jenny.
But there’s something weird about that Reese’s Pieces photo: I see dead people. Is it just me?
July 6th, 2006 at 2:15 pm
You know, I mean, I guess I thought it was a known fact. . . but people only bring food into the office that they wouldn’t really eat themselves. That they wouldn’t let their families touch. You should tell your friend, Jenny. Friends don’t let friends eat food left out in public places. Seriously. Be careful.
July 6th, 2006 at 2:43 pm
My guess is that she has some sort of stash of candy from, oh, 1990 or so, that she bought on sale and just rediscovered in the back of the pantry.
So, yes, it can go bad; and a pox upon her for bringing it to you! I mean, your friend.
July 6th, 2006 at 2:47 pm
My great grandma used to bring ten-year-old cookies from her freezer for holidays, I know exactly what you’re talking about.
Also, if the dollar store sells condoms I’m sure they sell candy. Right? I mean, who doesn’t want a pack of condoms for a DOLLAR?!
July 6th, 2006 at 7:13 pm
just say no to her candy. i say, bring your own stash. that sounds downright gross!
July 6th, 2006 at 10:13 pm
Maybe you’re pregnant. Preganancy messes with your taste buds you know.
July 7th, 2006 at 1:40 am
Peef: I don’t see dead people, but when I squint, I kind of see a double helix.
Jill: And you know, my friend should really know that rule already since she has been guilty, pretty much every xmas, of dumping off buckets of generic caramel corn and trays of icky sweet fudge in the lounge.
Ash: That’s got to be it – I just don’t think any stores could get away with selling candy that nasty!
Pants: They sell condoms at the Dollar Store? Nice. ‘Cause nothing says reproductive responsibility like a box of flea market condoms.
Sizz: Vive la revolution!
Nina: That would certainly help explain the extra 10lbs of flab in my general belly region. Now I can get all indignant and be like, “HAVEN’T YOU EVER SEEN A PREGNANT WOMAN?! IT’S NOT FAT! IT’S MY BABY DAUGHTER! NOW GET ME THAT DAMN SCOTCH AND SODA!”
July 7th, 2006 at 8:57 am
I know what you mean, stale candy is horrifying. Almost as bad as really bad Chinese food, like when eat at a Chinese restaurant in a small town in Wisconsin or something. By the way, growing up in New Jersey, I was lucky enough to have a father who owned a candy store. Not fancy stuff — candy bars, etc. But a huge selection! Let’s just say I indulged myself from time to time….
July 7th, 2006 at 11:44 am
wow. bad candy disguised as good candy. thats just….cruel.
July 7th, 2006 at 8:14 pm
Tell your friend to box all of the nasty candy up and ship it to my office, STAT.
At Christmas, I brought in a gingerbread house as a DECORATION…and my co-workers ATE IT.
July 8th, 2006 at 2:57 pm
That picture–it reminds me of the color-blindness test they gave me during my Army physical. You were supposed to see a number. I kept saying it said “help me.” Eventually, after about the tenth card, they sent me over to the Group W bench with Arlo.
July 9th, 2006 at 3:01 pm
Heh, I’m with you on the bad, burnt M&M peanut. I thought I was the only person who felt that way!
July 9th, 2006 at 8:41 pm
I’m too tired to go through the comments so this may have been said: is this her leftover Halloween candy from the last several years? Because I’m more concerned about the fact that CANDY CAN LAST PAST NOVEMBER FROM HALLOWEEN.
Which flavor Blo-Pop? Hmmmm?