Short Fuse

Hey karma, it’s me, Jenny. Pick up, it’s me. Karma, I know you’re home – I saw your number pop up on my caller ID… Fine. Okay, look – is this about the walking on the wet paint thing? Because you know I had no other choice! Or what – is this about Harry Potter? God, you can be such a baby sometimes. Whatever. Call me.
So last night at around 8:30pm, my electricity went out. In 95 degree heat advisory 100% humidity weather, my electricity went out. I scrounged up a flashlight, trucked down to the basement, being ever so careful not to let the door slam shut behind me, and started looking for my fuse box. All the fuses seemed to be in working order, until I noticed two empty sockets underneath the four main ones.
I opened up each of the other 11 fuse boxes belonging to the other tenants and saw that they all had two fuses in those bottom two slots. And then it hit me:
Some lazy ass mofo stole my fuses! They blew their own fuses, so instead of hauling their worthless carcasses to the hardware store, they just decided to screw someone else over. IN 95 DEGREE HEAT ADVISORY 100% HUMIDITY WEATHER! What kind of a soulless bastard does that? Before my mind was able to swirl into its eventual full rage, I had a quick flashback, just like in the movies:
It was 2002, and I was standing in the kitchen with my mother, unpacking my dishes as I moved into this apartment. I pulled open a drawer under the cupboards and saw a small box of fuses. I remember my mother saying “Oh that was nice of them to leave for the next tenants.”
I ran upstairs and threw open what had since become my junk drawer, tossed aside a few vacuum cleaner belts, a mini cassette recorder and some travel candles, and found the half empty box of fuses. Thank god my brain hangs onto what are typically useless random memories like this.
I ran back downstairs, screwed in one fuse, then attempted to screw in the other one but noticed that it didn’t quite fit. As I soon discovered, whoever stole my fuses was not only a thief, but an incompetent moron and somehow stripped the socket so that the fuse wouldn’t fit anymore.
My only saving grace was that the fuse that did actually fit controlled all the electricity in my living room, including my window air conditioner. The other one, unfortunately, controlled my refrigerator.
So now, here I sit, awaiting some sort of response from my landlord, packing ice into the tiny Styrofoam cooler I bought today so that I don’t have to buy all new condiments. I have also, at the clever suggestion of my friend Dr. Greene, made inconspicuous marks on all my fuses. This way, if my electricity goes out again, I will be able to identify who stole my fuses. And then I will remove all their fuses, smash them with a sledgehammer (after recouping my own, of course) and lay in wait for the culprit in the basement. But first I will build a snake pit right in front of their fuse box.
I will also set a spring loaded booby trap in my fuse box containing a dozen scorpions and tarantulas. Not the deadly kind. Just the ones that make you really, really sick. My plan will be complete once I:
a) Borrow a jackhammer so I can build a snake pit in the concrete floor of my basement
b) Figure out where you can buy non-lethal yet still extremely painful snakes, scorpions and tarantulas
c) Prevent the scorpions and tarantulas from killing each other or dying of asphyxiation
d) Ensure that I do not accidentally set off the trap myself
Until I figure all that out, I’m just giving the malocchio to everyone who walks into my building.
[spit, spit]

31 Responses to “Short Fuse”

  1. kris dresen Says:

    What the -? Stealing fuses? That’s the lowest of the low. Man.

  2. Sarah Says:

    I have never heard of someone doing that, ever. That is awful! WTF?!
    I would be homicidal without a doubt.

  3. adena Says:

    Good lord.
    I am hereby cursing them to a major electrical “event” with THEIR fridge.
    You know, like a “we need to come up w/ 1K to get a new one” type of event.

  4. Dave2 Says:

    If I caught somebody doing that to me, they would end up with a blown fuse shoved up their bum.
    I’m hard core that way.
    You might want to secretly mark your fuses so that if it happens again you will be able to figure out who the bastard is and exact your revenge (non-lethal snakes indeed!).

  5. Cheryl Says:

    Oh, suck. At times like this I generally discourage looking on the bright side (who needs the bright side when there are tarantulas to be planted?), but I do hope you’re using this as an opportunity to order lots of take-out.

  6. Mocha Says:

    You’ve got my support, girlfriend. I will so kick their asses. Let me know who they are so I can follow through…
    So, ummm… next year? BlogHer in Chicago? You will have NO. Excuse. Be there.
    Fix that humidity thing before then, ok?

  7. jenny Says:

    kris: Yes, unbelievable, isn’t it?
    Sarah: Believe me, I’m very close to homicidal.
    adena: All curses are much appreciated!
    Dave2: I’ve been thinking about a lot of things I could do with those blown fuses, and yup, I marked them so I’ll know where to put the snake pit!
    Cheryl: Well, it’s just that I usually like to cook healthy meals that incorporate all of the major food groups. I mean, I wouldn’t even know where to- what’s this? A drawer full of take out menus? How fortuitous!
    Mocha: Yeah! Kick their asses! And BlogHer is in Chicago next year? Hmm. I might just need to go…

  8. ashbloem Says:

    Jesus, that is AWFUL. What th’ fuck is WRONG with people.
    You really need a flame box so you can subject them more literally to your firey wrath.

  9. Tracy Lynn Says:

    That is just pure evil, stealing someone’s fuses during a heat wave. Once you catch them in your Pit Of Doom, we can stake them out on an anthill after pouring sugar all over them, hmm? Bastards.

  10. kevinb Says:

    i read that entire post thinking “no, that can’t be… jenny’s jumping to conclusions that will be proven incorrect in the end.” but no, someone stole your f’ing fuses. unbelieveable.

  11. Justin24601 Says:

    Oh, honey…
    I know all about being without power and loosing my Durkee’s.
    Try living in the sauna that is St. Louis when the entire city is out for 3-4 days!

  12. amanda Says:

    uh! what the!? unbelievable.

  13. beingbebe Says:

    Dastardly deed indeed. And not even in New York! But fear not, your plan for revenge is simpler than you may think; tarantulas are NOT lethal. The bite is painful and can lead to dancing from pain – the tarantella, what else!

  14. jenny Says:

    Ashbloem: Where’s a good dragon when I need one?
    Tracy Lynn: Ooh… anthills? I like the way you think, kid!
    kevin: I know – you’d like to think it wouldn’t be possible, but sadly… it is.
    Justin: I would’ve killed someone if I had to endure 4 days of this heat with no A/C! There are only so many movies you can go see!
    amanda: Believe it, sister. I live with the dregs of humanity.
    Bebe: Hey mambo! Don’t wanna tarantella! Hey mambo! No more mozzarella! Sorry… broke into a little Rosemary Clooney there for a second.

  15. Anonymous Says:

    Dear Jenny,
    I think you should write a note that explains to the thief the consequence of their greed. One that makes them feel very very guilty and very very sorry and so they give you a lot of money.
    Call you later…

  16. Ariana Says:

    Oooh. I hate when that happens. I refer to my fuse room as “the dungeon”. It’s strewn with abandoned furniture from tenants who have long moved on and I’m sure every dark corner hides a city-fat rat.

  17. Fiorello La Guardia Says:

    I have an idea. Before anyone else touches your fuse box, dust it for fingerprints. When you find some other than your own, dust all the other fuse boxes for fingerprints.
    When you find a match…well, I leave it to your Sicilian dark side.

  18. shari Says:

    Maybe the person who stole your fuses is also responsible for your blog not remembering us, eh? Maybe, to get karma on your side, you should just bake cookies since your house is already hot, and hand them out to all your apartment-mates, thanking each of them personally as though he/she made the treats possible by thoughtfully removing your A/C fuses. Karma likes shit like that, or so I’m told.

  19. Sarah Says:

    Holy lawd, that’s so low…I’m making one of those groany “no waaaaaay” sounds right now.
    Whoever did that is what my mom would call a “first class assenheimer”.

  20. RW Says:

    jen this is Chicago. This was the moment to call in those guys whose middle names are The, so they could find that scumball who took your fuses and break his legs.
    You know. The guys whose middle names are The. Benny The Rack. Tino The Fish. Louie The Mauler.
    Sigh. OK. I’ll say the heat sent you into a mental state. But remember… C-h-i-c-a-g-o. K?

  21. sandra Says:

    Some people are such dickheads.

  22. jaymarie Says:

    i am astounded. i can’t believe it. i mean really, wouldn’t it damage the fuse or the person to remove the fuse while the electricity was still on? hey, maybe it did! maybe you should be checking out your neighbours fingertips for burn marks.
    (and i am so glad that you were able to keep your air on…it has been terribly hot this week. stay cool, sweetcheeks;)

  23. jenny Says:

    Viv: Ah, your plan only works on people with a soul, and these were soulless bastards.
    Ariana: The fuses are in the same part of the basement as the laundry, so I’m used to going there. But yes, it is rife with discarded furniture and perhaps rats… eep!
    Fio: Dammit! I should’ve gotten my charcoal dust and Scotch tape out before I let the handyman come fix my fuse… next time!
    shari: Hmm. Baking cookies for the enemy? Can I put a scorpion inside each one?
    Sarah: Bwah! Assenheimer – love it!
    RW: I do have an Uncle Tony… not sure if he has a “The” in his name. Time for some kneecapping!
    sandra: I couldn’t have said it better myself.
    jaymarie: No, you can take the fuses out with no problem – just like unscrewing a light bulb. And I’d rather wait until the next time and then check them for scorpion stings and tarantula bites… :)

  24. Jessica Says:

    Jenny, this post has been chalked full of gift ideas for you….I really, really appreciate the tips.

  25. jill Says:

    I was going to say just print up a flyer that says something like, “To Whom It May Concern, I hope you enjoyed the use of my fuses and the cool air that they afforded you. My cat, on the other hand, is dead from heatstroke. Thank you, you selfish bastard cat-killer.” But I think Shari’s idea is sweeter and probably more effective, but only if you can screen print with sugar a picture of a fuse on each one.

  26. peefer Says:

    Maybe someone didn’t like the sound of your air-conditioner, so they used your fuses as ear plugs. (Yes, I know that’s kind of redundant, but THEY’RE the stupid ones, not me.)

  27. ms. sizzle Says:

    those neighbors who stole your fuses are so going to get it. i mean karma and god and the baby jesus will want a word with them.
    your plan seems fool-proof. way to rock the revenge!

  28. Loudlush Says:

    That is just disgraceful! At least you had the ability to cobble a solution of sorts, this will not deter Karma of course, but can you imagine if someone less able was faced with having their fuses stolen? You’ve got to wonder what goes through people’s heads sometimes.

  29. asia Says:

    Thats it! I’m not having babies now. Can I really bring kids into a world with so much injustice? I am steaming mad.

  30. jenny Says:

    jess: Please just put a “Live Poisonous Animals” sticker on the box when you send it, won’t you?
    jill: Boy, you and Shari sure are nice to your enemies. Sicilians aren’t really in the business of baking cookies for those who cross us, unless they’re made of cement. And attached to their feet. If you catch my drift. I’m talking about drowning someone. With cement shoes.
    Peefer: Interesting logic – it’s just so crazy that it might apply with these people.
    Sizz: Ooh! That’s right – baby Jesus is gonna get them!
    Loudlush: I think what was going through their heads was, “Hey! My fuses blew. It’s 9:00pm and the Home Depot is 10 minutes away. Ooh, look! Free fuses over here!”
    asia: Whoa now – I can’t take on this responsibility! First my nephews are inspiring you to have kids, now my neighbors are making you not want them. I think you need to have 100 babies who are morally superior to the dolts in my apartment. It’s your duty, in fact.

  31. TCho Says:

    I’m kind of impressed that you knew what to do when you saw the empty sockets. I’ve never dealt with a fuse box and if someone had left fuses in my apt, i probably wouldn’t have known what they were.