Derby
This is what goes on at a roller derby:
This is what goes on after a roller derby:
“If I were in a roller derby, I think my name would be Nicole Killman.”
“I’d be Shirley MacPain.”
“Cool. And I’d totally have flames painted on my helmet.”
“Totally. And you’d be called Flame Thrower!”
“No wait – my name would be Ruth Canal!”
“Ooh, that’s really good! They’d be all, ‘Here comes Ruth Canal… oh, she’s impacted! Yow that’s gotta hurt!’ Get it? Impacted? Like a wisdom tooth?”
“Yeah, cool.”
“It would be cool to be Doctor somebody or other. Like Dr. McScreamy.”
“Totally.”
“Or what if I was Jen Wayne Gacy?”
“Hmm. Not sure the serial killer joke would go over too well in his hometown.”
“Good point. Jackie the Ripper?”
“Better.”
This is the reality after a roller derby:
For all my fantasizing, the truth is that I haven’t been on skates of any kind for over 20 years, was never very good on them to begin with, and frankly, I don’t like getting hurt all that much. I lack any sort of physical prowess or intimidation factor, and have a propensity toward motion sickness. Given that, if I were truly to join a roller derby, my name would probably be something like “Nasty Paper Cut” or “Ice Cream Headache” or “Stomach Flu.”
“And here comes Ice Cream Headache around the turn! She accidentally bumps into Psycho Killa from Manila and holy cow folks – Ice Cream Headache doesn’t even apologize! That kind of rudeness has really got to sting!”
Filed under: General on November 15th, 2006
November 15th, 2006 at 12:29 am
Hey, even if you don’t feel like joining an actual roller derby, you could still dress up in one of those outfits! The skates are totally optional…
November 15th, 2006 at 1:05 am
One of my male friends is an official referee for a women’s roller derby league! He says it’s the most fun he’s evern had in his life with his clothes on!
November 15th, 2006 at 9:22 am
The clown makeup makes them all scary.
November 15th, 2006 at 12:18 pm
I LOVE the roller derby! It makes me think of Pinky Tuscadero, although I’m not sure why.
And you should never underestimate the pain caused by an ice cream headache.
November 15th, 2006 at 12:27 pm
Or you could be Stubbed Toe! Or Bent Back Fingernail! Or Bruised Funny Bone!! Oh god, this IS fun!
And I have to tell you that I actually laughed out loud at the “…and she didn’t even apologize!” part. Which sort of blew my “I’m totally not on the internet, I’m focusing on WORK things on my computer” cover.
November 15th, 2006 at 2:31 pm
I totally believe in yout ability to be rough and tumble, Jen.
November 15th, 2006 at 2:50 pm
I thought the roller derby was imaginary until just now. Good pics!
November 15th, 2006 at 3:11 pm
A friend of mine was on a roller derby team in Chicago for a while until she was physically, repeatedly reminded that she was in her mid-thirties. I need to ask her what her roller derby name was.
November 15th, 2006 at 3:43 pm
Jenny, I’m also a poweless athletic putz. You carry your muscle in your IDEAS, you are, after all a THINKER. Your dialogues are hilarious. How about “Hacka Kahn”.
November 15th, 2006 at 4:55 pm
That was too funny. …”doesn’t even apologize!.”
I’m cryin’ over here.
Ice Cream Headaches are the worst!
That is the funniest thing I have read in a long time.
November 15th, 2006 at 5:19 pm
Dave2: I know – the uniforms are pretty cool, aren’t they! One of my friends had to point out that they are supposed to be straight jackets.
THB: That’s awesome – does he have a cool ref name? The refs had names like “Riff Ref” and “Judge Injury.”
Don: Pretty much anything having to do with a clown is scary!
Tracy Lynn: Oh, Pinky. Although I think I might have been partial to Leather Tuscadero. Wasn’t she the one who would slap her thigh and do the finger point thing?
Laurie: HA! I actually was thinking of stubbed toe – those suckers hurt!
Dustin: You’re like my yoda.
Heather Anne: Oh it’s as real as you can get! Aren’t you in Atlanta? They must have a roller derby there.
Churlita: How cool is that?! There are four teams in the league – we saw the Manic Attackers vs. the Double Crossers. The other two are the Hell’s Belles and The Fury.
piktor: Thanks! And Hacka Kahn is a great roller derby name!
Mad William: Thanks! I know, though – don’t those ice cream headaches just kill?
November 16th, 2006 at 7:59 am
Holy crap. I was going to say that you have your halloween costume for next year, but honestly, I think you should feel completely justified wearing a roller derby outfit every day of the year.
Everyone should.
For real.
[Uncomfortable silence.]
November 16th, 2006 at 10:49 am
i LOVE the roller derby. i recently went here in seattle and am hooked! their names are hilarious. my favorite was “pia mess”- ha!
November 16th, 2006 at 4:18 pm
Hey, I’m a Double Crosser–we’re the ones in black. Anne Arkie up there is my co-captain. I had the privilege of knocking a number of Manic Attackers on their asses last weekend. I’m in my LATE thirties, I still apologize when I hit people, I love getting hurt, and it’s the most fun I’ve ever had, for sure.
Look out, Seattle: Seraphina Scorcher from the Manics is moving out your way and should be a member of the Rat City Rollers next season. Rat City is the lone practitioner of the lethal LEG WHIP! Scary!
Glad you enjoyed the bout. Come back next season!
November 16th, 2006 at 6:31 pm
Um, so when you come to Portland, we’re not actually going to have to wear skates are we?
November 16th, 2006 at 10:00 pm
Hmm, if you could work projectile vomit into your name, maybe you wouldn’t get hit as much.
November 18th, 2006 at 9:15 am
sween: Believe me – if I could fill out that costume as well as they all did, I’d be all over it!
Sizzle: Isn’t is the best? I’ll definitely be back!
Kentucky Dervish: Yay! My first celebrity roller derbist comment! You gals were awesome – wasn’t the score 40-20? I’ve already added some derby merchandise to my xmas list!
shari: Oh, don’t even pretend like you can’t skate. You need to unleash your inner skater!
claire: Hmm… how ’bout something like, “Nervous Stomach Nellie” or “Up Chucky?”