Opinion Poll: Etiquette

Q: If you hopped into a cab that smelled of human feces, would you:
a) Immediately tell the driver you forgot something and make him drop you off after only one block
b) Breathe in and out of your mitten the entire ride home
c) Hold your breath until you passed out and just hope that the cabbie would roll your lifeless body onto your front sidewalk after snatching the $20 bill out of your clenched fist
d) Say loudly to no one in particular, “Is it me, or this does this cab smell like human feces?”
e) Hang your head out of the window like a dog
f) Other
I did one of these.

25 Responses to “Opinion Poll: Etiquette”

  1. Waterfall Says:

    Probably “a”. And if the driver insisted on getting the full fare, I’d probably fork it over without question.
    Hmm … maybe that’s what he *wanted* you to do …

  2. peefe Says:

    You know the feces were human HOW?

  3. Hilly Says:

    Most likely “a” unless I really really needed to go somewhere and there was a cab shortage…like a drought, LOL.
    Then I would do “b” or “e”.

  4. diane Says:

    You CAN report it to the city of Chicago. I did that once. But then I got a call asking if I wanted to press charges for “smelly cab.” I didn’t feel right about it, I thought my complaint would just be registered and directed to the cabbie!

  5. Chase Says:

    I hope you did “d” because just SAYING feces is fun. However, I kinda hope you did “e”, too, becuase that’d be kinda cute and I hope someone caught it on film and I hope that person sends me a copy.

  6. jenny Says:

    waterfall: interesting… that could be quite a money maker for him if that really was his plot!
    peefer: i knew it would only be a matter of time before someone asked that – of course it was you. and i can’t really explain it, other than to say that you just kind of know.
    hilly: which one would you do if it were late at night and about 5 degrees out?
    diane: OMG – pressing smelly cab charges? that’s hilarious! suddenly my picture is in all the cabs across chicago, and no one will pick me up anymore…
    chase: i did “d” over and over again in my head. :)

  7. mike Says:

    But you -really- did “e)”, right?
    Totally understandable.

  8. kapgar Says:

    Knowing what a forgiving person you are, I’m sure you did B. I would’ve pulled a D followed by an A.

  9. Neil Says:

    In some cities, they charge you extra for the human feces aroma.

  10. steph Says:

    ya know, some people arent lucky enough to have indoor plumbing. that poor cabbie..

  11. Churlita Says:

    I would take a quick look around to make sure the smell wasn’t a gift left behind by the last fare. Then I would do A. and then part of B. until we got to the end of that block.

  12. sizzle Says:

    i’d likely do a b & e combo with a furtive d and then feel bad because what if the cabbie shit his pants but can’t stop to clean himself because he has to feed his 10 kids and 3 wives and pay for his mother who needs new eyeballs or something?
    feces is a fun word to say though. i’m with chase.

  13. shari Says:

    OK, that’s not nearly as fun-sounding as the disco-taxi story. In fact, I’m losing my Chicago-envy, thinking of cabs filled with excrement and/or its scent.
    (By the way? “Excrement” is even waaaaaay more fun to say than “feces”, in case you were wondering.)

  14. claire Says:

    You know, I’ve never liked cabs… something about voluntarily getting into a stranger’s vehicle, especially in cities I don’t know. It’s always felt wonky to me. This story bumps that up a few notches.
    I think I’d have gone with A except without saying I’d forgotten something. Possibly even with some exclamation of ‘oh my god’ or gagging sounds.

  15. Anonymous Says:

    Dear Jenny,
    I hope your mitten was sweet smelling.

  16. Dave2 Says:

    SEE! It’s not just me after all… remember what happened last time I was in Chicago??

  17. serap Says:

    I would have done e, combined with b when my face got too cold. Oddly enough the tube train I got on yesterday smelled of feces (which is spelt faeces in the UK in case you were wondering!). There wasn’t an option of windows as we were underground, and I didn’t have my mittens on, so I chose breathing through my scarf.

  18. teahouseblossom Says:

    Definitely d..

  19. Alice-Anne Says:

    Okay, what did the cab look like? ‘Cause I’m coming to Chicago in less than a month and maybe I can avoid that one. I love Chicago though, so it’s worth the risk.
    Of the choices, there are several I would want to do, but I know I would probably breathe through my mitten unless it ws so bad I started to gag. Then I might have to resort to the “oh no, I just remembered I need something at the CVS on this corner’ tactic.

  20. Fiorello LaGuardia Says:

    So, you ARE going to tell us which one you did, aren’t you? Pleeeeze?

  21. Tracy Lynn Says:

    I would have done D, followed by a discussion of why the cab smells like shit, while I rolled the window down. After checking for a source, of course.
    I know for a fact that you did B.

  22. jenny Says:

    mike: it was cold, y’all! too cold for head hanging, i’m afraid.
    kapgar: ooh, the D + A combo? Slam! that’s a good one.
    neil: please send me a list of these cities immediately so i can scratch them off my “must see” list.
    steph: i say the cabbie should invest in some depends, then.
    churlita: wow, you would “b” even for that one block? that’s hard core.
    sizzle: wow. way to make me feel bad… 10 kids? ;)
    shari: you prefer excrement? feces is way better in my book, although i did also contemplate the term “human waste.”
    claire: i totally want to be in the cab w/ you when you do that!
    vivian: like a heavenly forest of wool and fleece.
    dave2: OMG! i totally forgot – it’s an outbreak!
    serap: a scarf will do in a pinch, as long as you double it up.
    thb: that’s ’cause you’re a badass.
    alice anne: let’s see… it was yellow, had a light on top with a number, four doors – you can’t miss it! :)
    fiorello: okay – i thought about doing A but it was pretty late so then i contemplated C, but didn’t feel confident that he would remember by address. As i mentioned before, i then said D over and over again in my head, while wondering if i would get frostbite if i did E while he was going 65 MPH down Lake Shore Drive. So yes, ultimately i just did B. Shallow little mitten breaths.
    tracy lynn: clearly you know me too well. :)

  23. silverfox Says:

    It has to be e for two reasons.
    One-A cab is too hard to get to easily give up.
    Two-You want to take measures to avoid passing out in that environment.
    Oh and it would seem to be healthier to scream outside as well as less distracting to the cabbie.

  24. erica Says:

    I would have said, “Dude your cab smells like shit. Stop the car.”
    Ew ew ew.

  25. Patns Says:

    e) Say “is it me or does this cab smell like feced?” to no on in particular, burst into tears, hang my head out the window like a dog and demand he pull over.