Ye Olde Job Faire

It’s true, what they say. You just have to grab the bull by the horns. Opportunity only knocks once. And sometimes, that opportunity comes in the form of a block of homemade cheese. I’ve come to realize that my friends and I tend to have a lot of big ideas that rarely come to fruition. Business ventures, artistic endeavors, spiritual reawakenings – they are all brilliant in concept, but lack one fundamental thing: a clear plan.
Fail to plan and you plan to fail, as my 8th grade health teacher always said, and this time, I plan to succeed. This time, I’m not going to let anything get in the way of achieving my dream of creating a new community, unlike any we’ve ever seen. This community – Jenstown – will be founded on the core concepts of personal independence and self-reliance, wrapped in a shroud of blind faith and unquestioning devotion to one leader.
To that end, I am now looking for a few like-minded and dedicated individuals to get in on the ground floor of what will prove to be the most radical social concept since the creation of the flash mob.
All interested candidates should contact me directly, including the job title and brief description of your qualifications. No recruiters, please.
Open Positions:
Apprentice cheese-maker
Requirements: No experience necessary. On-the-job training provided.
Requirements: Professional presentation skills. Must be willing to travel 50% of time.
Child Bearer
Requirements: High standards of personal integrity and ethics, and fertile womb. Carrier of dominant curly-haired gene (preferred).
Requirements: 3-5 years experience in feeding and caring for birds of prey. Knowledge of bandaging and wrapping wounds a plus.
Town Whore
Requirements: Ability to simultaneously manage several projects while interacting with several different people from within and outside of our community. Potential for position to develop into part-time child bearer.
Gossip Monger (2 positions available)
Requirements: Keen observer and good listener. Excellent oral communication and interpersonal skills.

25 Responses to “Ye Olde Job Faire”

  1. RW Says:

    Hmmmm, none of those things seem to fit my current interests. When you need a Chewing Off the Heads of Bats Guy, buzz me, k?

  2. Hilly Says:

    Gossip Monger, here! That job description works for me.

  3. serap Says:

    Jen, please would you consider me for the position of Gossip Monger? I am currently employed as a health psychologist, and therefore have plenty of training and experience in interpersonal skills and communicating with a diverse range of people (inc. Bards and Whores). I really think this position would be a natural progression of my skill/knowledge base.
    If not, apprentice cheese maker will do.

  4. Dave2 Says:

    I’m one fertile womb short of a Child Bearer, but that wouldn’t stop me from being a terrific Town Whore. Where do I send references?

  5. cesca Says:

    I have first hand experience at whoring, gossiping and child bearing (although hair is curly only below the waist).

  6. Strode Says:

    Can I be the bard/minstrel. Seeing that town man-whore isn’t an option its the only other thing I am qualified for.

  7. Karen Says:

    What?! nobody’s applying for Town Whore? Ok, if I MUST. On the condition that whoever’s approving the rest of the community takes into consideration that I’m not a big fan of loud hairy fascists. Then again, loud hair fascists don’t seem to be the cheesemaking types.

  8. shari Says:

    I could probably manage the Bard/Minstrel, unless the traveling involved revolving doors, or the presenting involved the ability to successfully use Excel or PowerPoint.

  9. sandra Says:

    I love cheese. Really, I love it too much. Could I be the cheese-maker…but maybe hire an intern to do the actual work?

  10. Rhea Says:

    I could swear we had the same 8th-grade health teacher. Count me in. I do gossip really well.

  11. jenny Says:

    RW: i’m saving some room in my clan for you, but your role will be town vintner.
    hilly: hired! but wait… did you share any gossip with me in portland?
    serap: you have an impressive background, and we at Jenstown are pleased to accept your application!
    dave2: i’m personally interviewing all candidates for town whore, so please let me know when you will be in Chicago next. ;)
    cesca: you have exactly the “go-getter” attitude we’re looking for. i like a candidate who can wear a few different hats!
    strode: Jenstown is an equal opportunity employer, so we can certainly consider you for the town whore role, but bard/minstrel is a critical position as well. do you own a lyre?
    karen: actually, town whore is a highly competitive position, but i am evaluating all candidates based on their past experience and desire to succeed.
    shari: there will be no revolving doors or computers in Jenstown. back to nature, my friend. i think you’d make an excellent bard.
    sandra: well, then i guess i would probably need to hire an “assistant to the apprentice cheese maker,” but for you, anything!
    rhea: i think we *all* had that health teacher. but… why doesn’t anyone want to be the falconer??

  12. Anonymous Says:

    Dear Jenny,
    I would like to be the Falconer. I took care of someone’s bird once when they were on vacation. And I would enjoy wearing the gear I would need– cool leather arm protectors so the Falcons can land on me.
    I’m grateful for your consideration.

  13. tobi Says:

    I’m so there for townwhore..I mean, I live in Taiwan, if I can’t interact with people from other communities, no one can. But then if Dave’s personal interview goes well, I can also make the cheese, I actually remember doing that as a kid, but it has to be with goat’s milk.

  14. jenny Says:

    viv: i knew i could count on you. finally someone understands the true bad-assitude of being a falconer.
    tobi: okay, i’m starting to get a little concerned. with everyone signing up to be whores, who’s going to do any work around here? i did not start my own utopian society just so i could make my own cheese all day long!

  15. Laurel Says:

    I used to sing with a rock band which I guess qualifies me for Minstrel. AND Town Whore… Although that seems to be a pretty popular position already. How about Town Drunk? Again, my background as rock singer gives me a head start on that as well…

  16. RW Says:

    I could do that!

  17. Hilly Says:

    I’m sure I did because I shared wayyyy too much info when I was drunk.
    If not, there is a lot to come!!!

  18. Cheryl Says:

    Want to know what else Hilly did in Portland? If so, hire me as Gossip Monger. (Sure, I know I wasn’t in Portland. But a good Gossip Monger has sources.)

  19. jenny Says:

    laurel: ooh – town drunk? i hadn’t thought of that. i’m adding that to the list!
    RW: i knew i could count on you. looks like you’ve got your first customer with laurel here.
    hilly: well, i’ll have to take your word for it… since everything past the 3rd scotch is a bit blurry. :)
    cheryl: listen up, potential Gossip Mongers! cheryl here has clearly just brought her A-game, and is now my top pick for lead Gossip Monger. consider the bar raised…

  20. Don Says:

    That Minstrel position calls me. Except for the “professional” part. But I harmonize good and can read music. Tell you what, I’ll happily stand in for Bard and when you get a real one, I’m killer at doo wop bass-line doobie doops. Doop doop doobie doop, doo wop du-wop. A team player, that’s me.

  21. Don Says:

    Oh, I’m sorry, it has to be said. I’m no good at making it, but when you need someone to CUT the cheese …

  22. Jessica Says:

    Jen, I would like to apply for the Town Whore position – I already spend so much time on my back, I’d love to turn it into a “radical social concept”. I have references available upon request.
    Scott is interested in the Child Bearer job; although he doesn’t have curly hair, he does have a hell of a fertile womb.
    We eagerly await your response.

  23. Iron Fist Says:

    I think I could be the Bard/Minstrel, if by ‘professional presentation skills’ you mean ‘pour two drinks into him and he’ll rant about incredibly ridiculous bullshit for an hour.’ By the way, what sort of dental plan are you including with Jenstown citizenship? And are there going to be T-shirts?

  24. jenny Says:

    don: i’ve already seen the video of you singing, so you can consider that your application. there will be much doo-wopping at jenstown.
    jess: based on the overwhelming response to this job faire, i’m considering opening a brothel, in which case your skills will be in high demand. and i’m both intrigued and frightened to know exactly whose fertile womb scott has…
    iron fist: that’s exactly what we’re looking for in bard/minstrel. as for the dental plan, i currently have an open position for a barber who will be in charge of all teeth extractions, leechings, and blood lettings.

  25. Suebob Says:

    I actually have cheese-making experience. I went to a university that made its own brand of cheese (Cal Poly). So I think I am ideal candidate.

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