One time, my friend Natasha’s dad delivered tiger cubs.
He’s a gynecologist, you know. In fact, my doctor is part of his practice. It’s always kind of strange when I see him in the office because then he knows that I must actually have girl parts. I always just pretend like I’m there for paperwork, or like I got a new job as a drug rep: Oh hi! So good to see you! Yeah, I’m just here updating my insurance information. Hey, can I interest you in a Zithromax letter opener? Gotta go, bye!
It’s been a while since my last visit, and when I called to make an appointment last week, they said they couldn’t fit me in until August. I decided to pull rank and take it up with Natasha over drinks one night.
“Hey Nat – who do I need to know at your dad’s office in order to get an appointment before Fall? What – is my doctor pregnant again? That’s like the fortieth baby she’s had in three years. You’d think she’d have a better understanding of birth control.”
“Yeah, they’ve been really swamped.”
“I’m just going to go to your dad.”
She stopped mid-sip and set her wine down as I watched all the color drain out of her face.
“Jenny, that’s not even funny. You cannot go to my dad!”
“Why not? I hear he’s the best. Wasn’t he called in to the zoo to deliver conjoined chimpanzee twins once?”
“No, gave a gorilla a hysterectomy. And delivered some tiger cubs. No chimps.”
“Well, if he’s good enough for gorillas, he’s good enough for me. Set it up!”
“Absolutely not! My friends are not allowed to be my dad’s patients! It’s just not right.”
“So you’re seriously going to knowingly deny me the best medical care available in Chicago just because it makes you a little uncomfortable to think that your dad would be all up in my business?”
“That I would have to explain my sexual history to him?
“That he would know what my cervix looked like?”
“Nat! I don’t believe you’re telling me this. I’m just going to call the office tomorrow and drop your name so I can get an appointment with him right away.”
“Jenny, come on… I’m not kidding.”
It was clear that the joke had gone too far, because Nat started to grind her teeth, and frankly, I had made myself so uncomfortable that I could taste acid in the back of my throat.
“Nat. Did you honestly think I was going to ask your father to be my gynecologist? Seriously. My uterus would need to be dragging around my ankles before I’d call him. And even then, I might just hike it up and act like nothing was wrong.”
“Thank god. Just remember to wear pants if that ever happens.”
“No doubt.”

13 Responses to “Annual”

  1. Anonymous Says:

    Dear Jenny,
    I am still cringing. Poor Nat.

  2. You can call me, 'Sir' Says:

    If I arrived at your yard for the milkshake and found you walking around with your uterus dragging behind you…well, that would be disappointing.

  3. You can call me, 'Sir' Says:

    If I arrived at your yard for the milkshake and found you walking around with your uterus dragging behind you…well, that would be disappointing.

  4. sizzle Says:

    “You’d think she’d have a better understanding of birth control.” Ha ha ha.
    Wear pants!

  5. heather anne Says:

    A cervix is a cervix is a cervix, I always say.
    Actually, no. I never say that.

  6. Don Says:

    GOD you’re funny.

  7. Miss Britt Says:

    Really? Maybe it’s because I’ve had kids and had an entire room full of people – friends, family, strangers and father-in-laws – gathered around my freshly exited crotch. But I think I could totally go to friend’s dad as a Gyno.
    But then, I pee with the door open too. So I’m probably just strange.

  8. jenny Says:

    vivian: poor nat? do you know how much stress i put myself through, all for the sake of making nat uncomfortable? who’s the real victim here?
    sir: i would be disappointed in myself.
    sizzle: i think the clothing industry should start marketing pants that way, “Pants! No better way to keep your uterus from dropping out!”
    heather anne: i really wish you would start saying that.
    don: try telling that to nat! :)
    miss britt: my mom threw my dad out of the delivery room when i was entering this world, so perhaps my modesty is genetic.

  9. Christie Says:

    By the way Tag your it!
    What’s on Your Fridge?

  10. shari Says:

    My friend Sonja’s dad delivered me at birth. I’m still uncomfortable around him to this day, knowing that he was the first man ever to see me naked.

  11. churlita Says:

    I used to be a nursing assistant at a gynecology clinic. I would never ever see any of the doctors there. If for no other reason than I know all the nurses would be sending in requests for birth control tests and STD cultures for me. Gyn humor can hit a whole different (read: sick) realm.

  12. Sarge Says:

    I showed Nat’s dad my vagina once. He was very complimentary. We had a nice time.

  13. mike Says:

    I thought I had something witty to add, but now I just want to congratulate the commenter above me (Sarge? Yes, you.) for winning the comments herein. Seriously, those three sentences are so awesome.