Close Call

alien head
Last Saturday, I was sitting on the couch reading and thinking about how I would like to have lots and lots of babies with the inventor of air-conditioning when I suddenly got a little creeped out. It was around 10:30pm and my cats had just been fighting, like they do every night. The girl cat was curled up near my feet, chasing dream mice, when the boy cat walked by, wrapped his paws around her head and bit into her neck. She hissed, punched him a few times in the face, then pounced, sending them both rolling around the living room floor.
It wasn’t their battle that caught my attention, but rather their abrupt halt. The tail thumps and soft growls suddenly stopped as they both pricked up their ears and looked toward the dining room window. I muted the TV to listen, but heard nothing. The boy cat’s tail puffed up as he stood motionless, staring at the window. The girl cat had retreated to underneath a chair, but I could still see her eyes glowing.
The boy cat walked slowly toward the dining room, investigating some unseen predator. This is why they say that curiosity killed the cat, I thought. He’s walking straight toward some killer trying to break into my house. When I sat up to get the butcher knife from the kitchen that I save for just this type of occasion, my cat jumped about eight feet straight into the air.
When he landed, I noticed that he now had a faux-hawk all along his spine to complement the already puffy tail. I watched as he crept not toward the window, but to my bag sitting on the floor. With cleaver in hand, I opened my purse to find a red-light flashing. I had missed a call from Natasha.
Lousy vegetarian city cats, eating apples and yogurt all day long. Won’t even kill a baby centipede, but they’ll swallow every grocery bag whole before I can even get the refrigerator open. My apartment was robbed a couple years ago, and did they even try to stop that? No, but apparently if the burglar had called first, they would’ve made sure I got his message.

22 Responses to “Close Call”

  1. Hilly Says:

    Hahaha, that is so cute! I like it when cats are smart…even if they are selectively smart at times ;).

  2. RW Says:

    So… there were flashing veggies in your purse? What?

  3. Dave2 Says:

    Psychic cats that can detect incoming calls? If there’s ever a zombie invasion, you’re set!

  4. churlita Says:

    If a burglar were to call first, what do you think he’d say? “Hey, lady. I just thought I’d warn you I’ll be robbing your place later this evening. It would be so much easier if you weren’t there to complicate things.”?

  5. Fiorello La Guardia Says:

    This was soooo cute, Jen. Your writing does crack me up.
    But, sorry to tell you, I already have dibs on giving birth to the children of Mr. Carrier. As I may have once mentioned, he truly *IS* my personal saint.

  6. jenny Says:

    hilly: my cats are definitely *selectively* smart – just when it suits their needs…
    RW: just some radioactive carrots. you know… for the mutant bunnies.
    dave2: but what if my cats turn into zombies? good thing they’re vegetarians!
    churlita: yeah, and he’d probably ask me to put all my jewelry and sentimental belongings in a convenient box for him to steal. oh wait… that’s exactly what i did.
    fiorello: fine, you can have him. but i have dibs on whoever invented the ice cream sandwich. both these visionaries have helped get me through this heat wave.

  7. kilax Says:

    I get freaked out when our cat does the same thing. He is running around acting crazy, when he abruptly stops to stare at something – usually a fly or an imaginary one ;)

  8. Jen Says:

    Dogs are no better, the scariest thing my one dog ever saw was an ironing board, and the new dog thinks the Vaccuum is dangerous.
    Come to think of it, they may be on to something.

  9. sween Says:

    I don’t know. It’s still better than my boys’ method of telling me the kitty litter is dirt- [Sudden PTSD flashback.] AIEEEE! THE INDISCRIMINATELY SPLATTERED FILTH! [Rocks back and forth, clutching small stuffed animal, sobbing.]

  10. Rhea Says:

    CATS: Can’t live with ‘em, can’t live without ‘em, right? Except that I’m really a dog person.

  11. sizzle Says:

    cats are so quirky. hours of entertainment. :)

  12. You can call me, 'Sir' Says:

    At least tell me that the call was bad news and that maybe they were trying to protect you from a waterfall of tears emptying into and ocean of woe. Yes? Please?

  13. You can call me, 'Sir' Says:

    At least tell me that the call was bad news and that maybe they were trying to protect you from a waterfall of tears emptying into and ocean of woe. Yes? Please?

  14. shari Says:

    They NEED catnip. Sure, they still won’t guard against burglary, but they’ll be more interested in finding Doritos for the munchies than ambushing your phone.

  15. Miss Britt Says:

    I used to have a dog like that. We always said if someone tried to rob the place he’d give them a guided tour for three minutes of leg humping and a scratch behind the ears.

  16. Cheryl Says:

    My apartment was recently invaded by flies, which is A) disgusting, and B) annoying because now my cats run around my apartment and over my sleeping body all night long trying to catch them.
    Have they caught any? Of course not.

  17. Jessica Says:

    Believe you me, I’ve seen “boy cat” up close and if I were a robber, those teeth would be enough to send me on my way.

  18. kat Says:

    if i got winston a little sister, do you think he’d stop punching ME in the face?

  19. jenny Says:

    kilax: i know! isn’t it totally disturbing?!
    jen: OMG – girl cat will hide for half the day every time i pull out the ironing board! what’s up with that?
    sween: ugh… they definitely let you know when their hygiene standards are not being met, don’t they?
    rhea: can’t live with ‘em, can’t live without the constant fear that they will suck out your breath.
    sizzle: it’s sooo true!
    sir: mmmm, actually it was about dinner plans for the next day. but i did end up drinking too many margaritas that next night, so maybe they really were trying to warn me!
    shari: it’s a good thing some sweet lawyering gal sent them a care package with kitty grass in it, that is currently germinating somewhere in my kitchen. :)
    miss britt: well, on the bright side, i guess i should be happy my cats are totally asexual and never hump anything.
    cheryl: invaded by flies? ewww. do you think maybe there’s a corpse somewhere around your apartment? check the laundry room.
    jess: see… that’s just it. he hisses in my friends’ faces, but does nothing to the real threats that plague me.
    kat: i think that winston would punch you less if you got him a sister, but he’d still wallop you with a good right hook when you weren’t looking every now and then.

  20. serap Says:

    Wow, what clever urban kitties you have! My cat is really scared of the ironing board and the vacuum cleaner, but really loves the washing machine. I think they know something we don’t.

  21. Tracy Lynn Says:

    Obviously, dude, the phone is WAY more of a threat. And at least yours don’t steal your bagels. Freakin’ cats.

  22. mike Says:

    I just love when people have these wonderful connections with nature. So beautiful.
    PS You should submit this to Indie Bloggers. Just sayin’ ;)

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