Two Stories, True Stories

Today at the gym, I stood in front of my locker for 20 minutes trying to remember the combination to my lock. I was absolutely positive that I had it right. After trying the combination no less than 50 times, I contemplated finding some sandpaper and a stethoscope to see if I actually learned anything from all those heist movies I’ve watched over the years.
Eventually, I had to swallow my pride and walk back up to the front desk, where they laughed and pulled out an enormous bolt cutter from underneath the counter. They handed it to an adorable Natasha Lyonne look-alike, and I took the walk of shame behind her to my locker. She tried her hardest to cut the lock, but I buy only the highest quality Masterlocks, so she had to give up after only making a slight scratch. As she left to get one of her burlier male counterparts, and started warning all the women that the locker room was about to become co-ed, I suddenly remembered the actual combination.
The dent in my lock will serve as a constant reminder of my impending senility. Until I forget how it got there.
I finally took on the brutal task of organizing my linen closet, which probably isn’t a big deal for most people, but mine serves as a repository for every shampoo, conditioner, hair gel, curl enhancer, smoothing pomade, hair spray, body lotion, salt scrub, lip balm, Clinique Bonus Days sample, feminine product and hotel soap I have ever acquired throughout the course of my 36 years.
While rearranging the actual linens in my linen closet, I also found a dog mask, rabbit ears, koala nose, wolf snout, and an unfamiliar portable CD player that contained a disk of trance music. At some point in my life, I apparently was holding raves in my linen closet. The only things missing were the glow sticks and Ecstacy.
Just as I was putting the finishing touches on the second shelf, I accidentally knocked over a poorly secured but 90% full bottle of Natural Citrus Listerine, spilling it all over my newly organized bathtowels and sheets. I just walked away.
Party over here:


20 Responses to “Two Stories, True Stories”

  1. Belinda Says:

    I’m just the tiniest bit concerned.

  2. Dave2 Says:

    I must admit… this Playboy Bunny look is much more flattering on you than Rabbit! :-)

  3. jenny Says:

    belinda: only the tiniest bit? i thought you cared about me. i’m wearing a koala nose, woman! how much louder a cry for help do you need?
    dave2: thank you – i’m told that hugh hefner was quite fond of bunnies wearing sexy revealing turtlenecks.

  4. Rhea Says:

    I’ve had the same locker combination thing, where I used the lock every week, twice a week, and all of a sudden forgot the combination. For me, it’s definitely an age thing. I am forgetting the stupidest things. I’m only 49.

  5. Fiorello La Guardia Says:

    Re: The last photo.
    “The Howling” heroine Dee Wallace was never as cute as you are. Time to rent that movie!

  6. Valerie Says:

    “At some point in my life, I apparently was holding raves in my linen closet.”
    This amuses me :)

  7. kat! Says:

    I’m pretty sure I have both glow sticks and Ecstacy in my closet. I’m just sayin’.

  8. jenny Says:

    rhea: how ’bout this? a couple months ago, i was trying to use my ATM – with the same PIN i’ve had for at least 10 years – and totally blanked out. i tried it so many times they deactivated my card. we need ginkgo biloba.
    fiorello: ooh – i LOVE that movie! one of the best werewolf movies made.
    valerie: if only i could remember attending one of them…
    kat!: you complete me.

  9. Tracy Lynn Says:

    I feel you on the inexorable accumulation of hair products. I am powerless to resist them, even though they almost never fulfill their promises.
    I have hair product trust issues.

  10. claire Says:

    If it makes you feel better, I was much younger when I had my locker trouble.

  11. kapgar Says:

    So how many dirty looks did you get when it was revealed that you knew the combo after all?

  12. sizzle Says:

    ugh i hate when stuff like the spilling on the newly organized shelf. that would so happen to me. at least you have fun masks and stuff to cheer you, right? ;)

  13. shari Says:

    I keep trying to envision a scenario other than Halloween if you were the only one supplying costumes, where even one of those accoutrements makes sense… but I just can’t.

  14. vahid Says:

    Sometimes Rabbit can has new animal friends?

  15. jenny Says:

    tracy lynn: no one has ever let me down more than hair care products. but i, too, am powerless.
    claire: glad to hear i’m not alone!
    kapgar: i felt several eye daggers in my back as i left.
    sizzle: it’s true – nothing helps me forget listerine smelling sheets like a wolf mask. :)
    shari: it’s really best that you don’t think about all the possible scenarios. no, really. just let it go.
    vahid: Sometimes Rabbit gets lonely.

  16. Jessica Says:

    Only in your closet would such things be lurking, Jen.

  17. Heather B. Says:

    Story #1 has happened to me repeatedly. I always forget and once I was in a bathing suit. That’s hot.
    Story #2 happened to my roommate but instead of cool animal themed masks she found handcuffs and a pimp hat.

  18. Nilsa S. Says:

    I have a second job at a gym. As a petite female, let me tell you how hard it is to bust off a lock. Definitely not for the meek!
    Love your mask pictures at the end. A sense of humor will get you through days when you spill Listerine all over your newly organized closet.

  19. Pants Says:

    I might be more interested in organizing my linen closet if I had fun items. The only thing I could take pictures of myself with post-organization would be feminine hygeine products and unpaid bills. Boring.

  20. Laurel Says:

    You could have spilled something way worse to clean up than citrus Listerine. At least your towels will smell like grapefruity goodness…
    I was afraid to clean out my hall closet BEFORE I read this post. I may never do it now…

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