Will Jump for Food

Here’s the thing about the Internet: there’s a lot of information out there, and a lot of it is scary. For example, sometimes when you’re trying to get your fat cat to lose weight, you might stumble across websites that teach you how to grind up chickens with the head and bones and organs to make your own raw cat food. But that’s not the scary part. The scary part is when you suddenly find yourself measuring the cubic storage space in your freezer, Googling “where to buy rabbit carcasses” and pricing out meat grinders on eBay.
I’ve been trying to get my cats on a high protein diet for the past two weeks, but have discovered that the strict carb-filled diet they’ve been on since birth has taught them to hate meat. As I’m typing this, Miso is eating a Kleenex. I wish so badly that I were kidding. I suppose I should be happy he’s chosen a clean one.
I have spent over $100 buying every kind of wet cat food imaginable, from the top of the line grain-free organic chicken kind to the $0.39 a can 9-Lives Super Supper whose main ingredients are beak and beak by-products. I’ve offered them paté style, sliced, shredded, cubed, in gravy, with sauce, chunky style, fluffy, whipped with eggs, in pouches, packets and flip top cans… and at best all my cats will do is lick around the edges and then walk away. The next morning, the wet food sits on the plate exactly where I left it, now crusted over and still untouched. So I give them their new healthier dry food which they reluctantly nibble while reflecting on happier times when I thought cats were supposed to eat rice.
The only thing we can all agree on is how much we love feathers and Kanye West:

Orange Team isn’t giving up yet.
Who will be the Biggest Loser?

20 Responses to “Will Jump for Food”

  1. claire Says:

    I used to have a roommate with cats, and they loved chasing a long black cord. When I cut it long enough, I could entice both cats at once. Less snagging that way too.
    Your vlog makes me want to see if I’ve got any suitable video of that around. Go team Orange!

  2. Pants Says:

    You are officially my favorite person of all time.

  3. shari Says:

    HA! Team Red is in hot pursuit of Team Green!! I think. I hope. Although, tomorrow will tell when we go get weighed. Sapphira is not at all picky about what she eats, and in fact, will eat everything in sight, including dry dog kibble at the neighbor’s. Eeep. Maybe I need to get that Kanye track from you.

  4. Dave2 Says:

    I was going to say that if they get hungry enough, they’ll eat it… but the fact that they would rather eat Kleenex tells me this is probably not going to happen.
    Maybe you could keep their diet, but increase the amount of exercise. I’m guessing it’s not a problem for you to take off work for a couple months so you can stay home and whip the feathers around for eight hours every day??

  5. vahid Says:

    I want you to know I wore an orange shirt to work today to support team Orange. Also, it was clean. But mostly it was to support team Orange. Go team go!

  6. jenny Says:

    claire: long black cord, feathers on a stick… whatever it takes!
    pants: of all time? really? that’s the awesomest title i’ve ever held!
    shari: i’ve given you and asia all my secret weapons already, and miso is the only one not losing weight. except for me. i’ve gained two pounds since we started. stress, i think.
    dave2: excellent idea! i’m going to ask my boss if i can work from home for the next 3 months for “family reasons.” he doesn’t need to know more than that.
    vahid: you’re the best! miso really needs an advocate like you because willie and sapphira are ganging up on him.

  7. mainja Says:

    i have found q-tips make a good combination of fiber and exercise for cats. generally ours prefer to fish the used ones out of the garbage, but i’m sure you could entice them with clean ones, perhaps if you let is sit in some rice for a bit?
    much fun is to be had with the mighty q-tip…

  8. Roy Says:

    Have you considered opening up a clinic? Because I may have to mail my little orange and white cat to you. I can’t starve her because she is just too pitiable.
    Please let me know before I can no longer afford the postage.

  9. Fiorello La Guardia Says:

    Have you tried Kemen’s smoked liver sausage?
    I knew a woman whose cat would ONLY eat that stuff. (Or was it the fresh….)

  10. Tracy Lynn Says:

    Ok, here’s a bit of cat weirdness: the minute your video started, those members of Los Gatos who feel that I cannot be left on the computer unsupervised were RIVETED by the video. They don’t usually like feathers, preferring the Extremely Long Piece Of Fleece In Rainbow Colors, so I think that Kanye must be some sort of cat anthem.

  11. Gecko Says:

    My girl-cat (Athena) wouldn’t eat this morning. For some reason, she needed to be held for a while. So as soon as I picked her up, she started purring and after a few minutes she wanted to eat again. I did have to stay with her until she was done though.

    Boy-cat (Mercury) often needs a bit of coaxing too. Usually he’s not sure if the food, that is in his food bowl, at the usual food place and time… well he’s not sure if it’s food. He’ll eat if I reassure him a little, though sometimes I have to pick him up and put him back in front for the bowl a few times.

  12. shari Says:

    15.3!!! She’s down 1 ounce! And don’t tell me it’s just “water weight”… I need to believe this is real.

  13. jenny Says:

    mainja: knowing my cats, they’d eat a couple dozen of them and i’d end up bringing them to the cat ER!
    roy: i would first need to personally interview her. we only let cats into our Biggest Loser clinic if they really seem motivated to lose the weight.
    fiorello: would you believe that i’ve tried to give them liver sausage before and they turned their little noses up at it? sheesh. some cats just don’t know what’s good for them.
    tracy lynn: i’m familiar with the long rainbow fleece. miso ate about 4 inches of one before i discovered him. true story.
    gecko: LOVE the cat names! but man, if i have to start sitting with my cats the entire time they eat, this is going to get ugly. i nearly vomit every time i open up a can of this wet food!
    shari: like i said before, i’m at a distinct disadvantage because i have an old skool scale and can only get to the closest pound. maybe i’ll just have to round down…

  14. Pants Says:

    Yup, ALL TIME! I love that your kitties are so in tune with current hip hop. My cat could care less about music, unless it’s to soothe his fat ass to sleep after he’s hit the cat food buffet. Yesterday, I found him sleeping on my HEATING PAD. Because apparently, he’s too lazy to heat his own body.

  15. Miss Britt Says:

    What was Google’s stance on kitty treadmills?

  16. elise Says:

    I’m not sure how I managed not to find you until just now, but I think it’s safe to say that NOW I WILL NEVER LEAVE.
    And I mean that in the least stalker-ish way possible. The way that means I think you’re super hilarious and that you rock. Will be adding you to blogroll, stat.

  17. jenny Says:

    pants: fortunately, my cats have radiators everywhere that are constantly running because i live in the arctic, so they don’t need their own heating pads. of course, now that i said that, i’m sure i know what they’ll put on their amazon wishlists!
    miss britt: well, i googled it and found this video. based on that, i’m not going out and buying a treadmill anytime soon… ;)
    elise: thanks so much! although i’m kind of bummed because i’ve never had a stalker and thought that maybe you could’ve been my first. that would’ve been cool, but this is nice too.

  18. not elise Says:

    Yeah, well, I like that sweater you’re wearing…I think it might look even nicer with the green socks in your top right hand drawer.
    How’s that?

  19. jenny Says:

    AAARGH! stalking is scary! i take it back! (and the socks are in the LEFT hand drawer, ha!)

  20. Robin Says:

    I think you’ve got yourself a workout video for cats. Package the feather with a DVD–you could make millions. I think I hear QVC calling…

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