Panda Sex

Sometimes when I’m having writer’s block because I never get enough sleep or because I hear news that makes me sad, I open up a folder I call, “Blog Ideas.”
And today when I did that, I had absolutely no idea what I was thinking when I wrote item #28, which was simply, “Pandas having sex.”
But then I thought about it some more because there had to have been a really good reason I wrote that down in my official “Blog Ideas” folder, and then suddenly, I vaguely remembered being at my grandma’s house a year or so ago and watching some nature show about pandas.
I then recalled that pandas can only get pregnant something like once a year during a 3-day period, and since that’s the only time they have sex, they never get enough practice to know how to do it quite right.
And then I remembered seeing a bunch of scientists who devoted their entire lives to watching pandas have sex and then trying to figure out if the pandas got pregnant or not. See, pandas are kind of like kangaroos because their babies are wee and hairless, which makes it really hard to tell if the females are pregnant.
So anyway, at one point, all the scientists were watching the female panda because she seemed to be acting a little strangely, when all of the sudden, a tiny baby panda shot out of her butt and slammed into the glass wall. Turned out she was pregnant after all. She licked the baby and it was just fine. The scientists might have hugged or high-fived, I can’t really remember.
I think we’re all pretty clear on why that idea didn’t make it any higher than #28.

19 Responses to “Panda Sex”

  1. serap Says:

    I don’t usually say this out loud, but I really don’t like pandas… they just seem so difficult, and I don’t like the way they move, I thinks its creepy. I’m sure that panda sex would be really creepy too, luckily I’ve never had to witness it.

  2. jenny Says:

    serap: ok, there’s something about the idea of you finding pandas creepy that totally cracked me up! i can tell you that their babies are creepy – they look like bald, pink gerbils. ::shiver::

  3. peefer Says:

    bald, pink gerbil sex … mmmm …

  4. matt Says:

    Pandas are definitely creepy.
    I bet panda sex is pretty awkward.

  5. Jennie! Says:

    Hang on a second, the baby shot out of her butt? I didn’t think that’s how it worked.

  6. serap Says:

    Well, I’m glad it cracked you up Jen… most people just think I’m heartless and weird. My sister did once send me some pictures of panda babies in an attempt to show me they are ‘cute’. They are not. I can never get the thought out of my head that they are just big costumes with creepy, slow-moving, bamboo-demolishing people inside. Have I said too much?

  7. You can call me, 'Sir' Says:

    The mental picture of a small hairless projectile flying out of a Panda’s rear end before slapping into a glass wall, while lab-coated scientists looked on in wonder and awe and high-fives totally made this a worthy blog entry.

  8. You can call me, 'Sir' Says:

    The mental picture of a small hairless projectile flying out of a Panda’s rear end before slapping into a glass wall, while lab-coated scientists looked on in wonder and awe and high-fives totally made this a worthy blog entry.

  9. Karl Says:

    Geez, if that was #28, what was #29?

  10. vahid Says:

    I don’t know which makes me sadder, Brandon not going to TequilaCon or pandas only having sex once a year*. Do you think pandas might benefit from drinking tequila to put them in the mood more often?
    *clearly I’m more bummed about the cancellation.

  11. Dustin Says:

    News that makes us all sad. :(
    Not even Pandas can make me smile today.

  12. jenny Says:

    peefer: i know – sexy, huh?
    matt: TOTALLY awkward and clumsy.
    jennie!: well, i’m not a veterinarian, but it sure looked like her butt. isn’t that where babies come from?
    serap: interesting. how do you feel about koalas?
    sir: that’s why i like you.
    karl: i’m pretty sure it was something like, “Ran out of napkins.”
    vahid: it might put them in the mood more often, but would probably impair their performance even more.
    dustin: i know. i’m taking it day by day.

  13. churlita Says:

    the female panda’s love life sounds frighteningly like mine. Poor, poor female panda.

  14. jenny Says:

    Yeah, but your babies were probably way cuter than a baby panda when they came shooting out of your butt. So there’s that.

  15. serap Says:

    Erm… well Koalas are ok I guess. I don’t think about them often, so clearly they don’t disturb me like pandas do. But on reflection, I don’t think I’m too keen on them either. But I do love most animals… I just want to make that clear. Cats, polar bears, elephants… they’re all good :-)

  16. Karen Says:

    This isn’t panda related, sorry. I’m curious how the Biggest Loser-Feline competition is going?

  17. teahouseblossom Says:

    How freaky!
    Yes, I also remember reading about how that’s why pandas are endangered – they’re pretty much solo creatures for most of their lives, and mating requires actually running into another panda in the bamboo.
    And how when they’re stressed, like they often are in captivity, they’ll lose track of their babies, and accidentally smash them and such, since they’re so small.
    Panda porn!!

  18. Sharada Says:

    Hello, I’m Serap’s sister, and I’d just like to point out, that for someone who is so freaked out by Pandas, who I think have been given a really hard time on this comments page, especially by my sister, that it’s quite strange how she is OBSESSED with polar bears, even though she knows they eat their own babies, and polar bears and panda bears are BOTH BEARS, so it’s like saying you hate robins but crazy about pigeons which is a little whimsical in my opinion. Serap lists polar bears in her list of animals she likes ever so casually, but I can tell you she sleeps with a cuddly polar bear every night and dreams of going to Canada where she can watch them hang out.

  19. serap Says:

    I’m not ‘dreaming’, I’m ‘planning’. There is a difference.

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