A co-worker told me he read a news story about a woman in Croatia who was dead for 35 years before neighbors discovered her mummified remains. It wasn’t that they missed her, they were just trying to break into what they thought was her abandoned apartment. I brought this up with Nat and Farnsworth over dinner yesterday.
“In a sense, that story kind of makes me feel good about myself, because no way would it take people 35 years to notice I was gone. No way. Maybe a year, max.”
“A year, Jenny? Right. If I didn’t hear from you in a week, I’d definitely notice.”
“A lot can happen in a week, Nat.”
“Like what?”
“Like my cats could eat my face by then. You know they’d do it, too.”
“Well, I won’t argue with that.”
“That would be just like them, too. I can’t get them to eat this expensive all-meat cat food, but they’d totally eat my face, given the chance.”
“Why your face?”
Then I drew them a diagram over dessert:
“Wow. Why do you look like Riff Raff from Rocky Horror when you’re dead?”
“BECAUSE MY CATS ATE MY FACE! Way to make fun of my misery.”
Nat tried to smooth things over and show her concern by asking how I had died. It wasn’t entirely clear to investigators, but it was most likely because I tripped on a cat toy, or a summer sausage.
The how doesn’t really matter, it’s all about the when. I just really don’t want to end up like that Croatian lady. I mean, seriously, how embarrassing. A couple years, maybe, but 35? Not me. I’m going to make it my business to ensure that a) people expect to hear from me at least every week and b) my cats become vegetarians.

24 Responses to “Spite”

  1. Karl Says:

    Ha, fortunately for me, if I miss one day of posting, I get a ton of e-mail asking me where I am.

  2. Tracy Lynn Says:

    No way you get your cats to go vegetarian, but I can’t help but think that if something happened to you, we would all feel a disturbance in the Force. Or similar, you know. Like when all the animals look up before an earthquake type of thing.

  3. You can call me, 'Sir' Says:

    Your cats honor your memory by using silverware for the face-eating. An important detail that was not lost on me. Because I’ve been drinking.

  4. You can call me, 'Sir' Says:

    Your cats honor your memory by using silverware for the face-eating. An important detail that was not lost on me. Because I’ve been drinking.

  5. claire Says:

    I love that your cat has the decency to eat your face with a knife and fork. Ooh, is that blood dripping from his fangs? Awesome. Love that drawing.
    Reminds me of that ep of 30 Rock where Jack tells Liz she’ll probably choke to death in her apt. when he’s trying to set her up on a blind date. And, of course, later, she does start choking alone in her apt. and has to give herself the heimlich maneuver.

  6. Black Belt Mama Says:

    Ditto what Karl said. My blogging friends would probably save me from my cats eating my face before anyone else would notice too.

  7. Fiorello La Guardia Says:

    I think I’d rather die by having your cats eat my face than to end up like this poor soul:
    “NECEDAH, WISCONSIN!!!!! (AP) — Friends and family of the 90-year-old woman whose remains were found on a toilet in a house said they warned her not to move to the area from Washington state.”
    Ooops, isn’t it true that you once lived in Wisconsin? (mwaaa haaaa)

  8. Rhea Says:

    That IS freaky. How can someone not be missed for that long?

  9. delmer Says:

    I read a story once — it may be urban legend — about a German guy who had been dead long enough that only his skeletal remains were found. They were in his recliner and his remote was near his hand.
    His bills were all paid automatically from his bank account and they found him after the money ran out. His mail was delivered through a slot in the door and there was a mountain of it they had to push through to gain entry.
    And you would look like Riff Raff after your cats were through with you.

  10. Dave2 Says:

    On the bright side… if you had dogs, they would be chomping on your skeletal remains as well!

  11. Avitable Says:

    But would you be singing about a sweet transvestite from Transsexual, Transylvania?

  12. jenny Says:

    karl: i guess the lesson for today, then, is that consistency can save your life.
    tracy lynn: i sure hope so… i’m counting on you!
    sir: they’re very cultured savages – like hannibal lecter.
    claire: funny you should mention 30 rock – that’s what we started discussing after i finished my drawing. and that’s one of my favorite episodes… oh, liz lemon.
    BBM: consider yourself a lucky woman!
    fiorello: yes, i did grow up in WI. we were always taught that the safest place was on the toilet.
    rhea: no kidding? i mean… who was paying her bills?
    delmer:oh, well i guess that answers my question about the bills. at least he died happy – kicked back, watching TV.
    dave2: i suppose that’s true… dog’s will eat anything!
    avitable: i suspect that those will be my last words. at least i hope so. :)

  13. Long Story Longer Says:

    Glad to see someone else had the same reaction as I did to that story. Must teach cat to be a vegetarian.
    Also – Dave2’s comment is a huge comfort, isn’t it?

  14. elise Says:

    The cat in the drawing looks like it’s eaten one too many faces. Maybe eyeballs, etc are high in calories?

  15. Miss Britt Says:

    My kids would notice.
    Around supper time.

  16. Dave Says:

    LOL Love the drawing!
    I think we have all learned a valuable lesson from this. I, for one, am canceling automatic payments. Maybe then at least the Repo Man will find me sooner rather than later.

  17. claire Says:

    Ah, Liz with her bi-curious shoes. That’s one of my fave eps too. I love how much story they pack into eps- there’s a lot going on in 21 minutes.

  18. Seamus Says:

    Let them eat face.

  19. Carly Says:

    I think that picture needs to be framed for posterity!

  20. shari Says:

    It’s just a damn good thing you don’t have birds, too. Just think of the nesting material they could make of your hair!!!

  21. churlita Says:

    Your cats will eat your face because of all the humiliating costumes you make them wear. I think I’ve already cautioned you about this very thing.

  22. jenny Says:

    LSL:i know – dave2 has made me fear all pets now!
    elise: he’s definitely no stranger to food, which is why i’m certain he’d be the first to go for my throat.
    miss britt: see… one more good reason to have kids!
    dave: good point – those automatic payments will be the death of us all.
    claire: the best 21 minutes on TV, that’s what i say.
    seamus: why must you encourage them?
    carly: i would, except i don’t want to give the cats any ideas…
    shari: can you imagine? for the first time in history, cats and birds would team up against a common enemy.
    churlita: don’t they understand that i only do it because i love them?

  23. Pants Says:

    The vet said my cat is too fat and needs to go on a diet…I’ll be surprised if he waits until I’m dead to attempt eating my face. My big boy is sad that the cat food buffet is going away…

  24. peefer Says:

    If your cats really do that to you, and if I’m dead and single, will you go out with me? That drawing of you is HAWT!

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