I’m not dead, I’m engaged.

The lovely and charming Shari emailed me, worried that I had fallen and couldn’t get up since my posting has been so sporadic. But no, I’m not even mostly dead. I did get pretend-engaged yesterday, though, when I found this ring on the floor by the Panda Express in the train station.
Don’t worry, I’m not keeping it. I plan on turning it in tomorrow to whatever sort of Lost & Found black hole they have at the Metra station. It’s not that I’m a Good Samaritan; it’s that I’m scared shitless of what the owner might do to me if she found me. Seriously – this ring is enormous. I have gigantic man hands and arthritic knuckles and my fingers were swimming in this thing.
I may decide to just post a sign myself that says something like:
Possibly gold, but definitely hideous ring belonging to a woman no less than 7’4” who likes Chinese food and public transportation.

24 Responses to “I’m not dead, I’m engaged.”

  1. brandon Says:

    wait, are there letters on that thing that say NASA? it could explain the re-entry damage it appears to have suffered.

  2. shari Says:

    Oh Great. I have a ring just like that. Thanks a lot, Jenny.

  3. Mad William Says:

    Not even mostly dead. You crack me up. I love a good Princess Bride reference.
    Have fun stormin the castle.

  4. vahid Says:

    I think the whole internet might falter and come to a halt if Shari wasn’t around to remind us to update. I’m actually just waiting for her request an update before I publish my next post, just because I like the attention.

  5. Dave2 Says:

    What is it supposed to BE? I can’t even tell.

  6. jenny Says:

    brandon: OMG – do you think this is a space ring? i could make so much money off that!
    shari: ooooh. awkward.
    mad william: i’m not a witch, i’m your wife! is there any time a princess bride quote isn’t appropriate? i can’t think of one. :)
    vahid: shari is like the project manager to the interwebs, always making sure we hit our deadlines.
    dave2: you can’t really tell from this angle, but i’m pretty sure it’s supposed to be a heart. it’s vaguely heart-shaped.

  7. Avitable Says:

    Legally, you should keep it. I refer you to the case of Finders vs. Keepers.

  8. Finn Says:

    Yeah, you should absolutely return it. That thing has bad juju written all over it. In code or something, but it’s there…

  9. elise Says:

    It looks like those brown anthills in Zelda where once you slashed at it with your sword millions of little guys you needed to kill came swarming out. Wait, was that Zelda?
    Anyway, maybe this is a Legend of Zelda ring, in which case you should DEFINITELY return it, because everyone knows Link loses his powers without rings.

  10. jenny Says:

    avitable: but i thought that was overturned in Losers v. Weepers?
    finn: it’s like greg brady’s tiki idol – i’d better not go surfing!
    elise: i’ve been waiting four years for someone to leave a comment referencing zelda! if i had a prize, you’d win it. oh wait… need any jewelry?

  11. LisaAnniePants Says:

    Now that is a ring.
    Maybe it really is an engagment ring and the dude just bought the ring way too big, thus it fell off.
    I really like the thought of some big Amazon woman looking for her family heirloom though, much more entertaining.

  12. dan Says:

    oh, I have one just like it. However, FYI, it doesn’t actually go on my *finger.* Did you happen to give it a bit of a rinse-off before slipping it onto something you use to put food in your mouth?

  13. churlita Says:

    maybe it’s a Wonder Twins ring. Have you tried to turn into some form of water or an animal yet?

  14. Laurel Says:

    You need to add to your Found sign: …And has terribly bad taste in jewelry.
    I second Finn, wicked bad juju to keep someone else’s ring. It prevents you from having someone give you a ring of your own. (There’s a better explanation for this, but I’m still kind of dumbstruck at how ugly that thing is…)

  15. Don Says:

    I think you found an Insignia Ring belonging to a large and burly member of the Enormous Tunnel Boring Machines Operator’s Guild. If he finds out you have it, and you hear a deep rumble underground and feel your apartment building start to shake, get out fast.

  16. Robin Says:

    Are you sure you didn’t find it UNDER the Metra tracks? It looks the the train may have hit it a few times.

  17. jenny Says:

    LAP:i like the amazon woman theory as well. amazons need love, too!
    dan: i’m going to assume… ahem… that you mean you wear it on your toe. i’d prefer to stick with that image.
    churlita: but where’s the zan to my jana? one wonder twin ring doesn’t activate anything!
    laurel: bad juju has been avoided. it is now the train station security guard’s responsibility.
    don: no worries – it’s out of my hands now. and apparently just in the nick of time!
    robin: LOL – it really is something special, isn’t it?

  18. Avitable Says:

    You’d think so, but the Supreme Court issued a nanny nanny boo boo writ.

  19. Cheryl Says:

    Personally, I like a good strong woman who likes Panda Bowls and keeping carbons out of the atmosphere. She sounds like a catch.

  20. Roy Says:

    OMG. I’m not sure, but what I think you have there is a very old Aztec ring with a depiction of the universe 0.001 milliseconds after the Big Bang carved on it. If that is true, you need to know it carries a curse: the lost ring, if found and put on one’s finger, will inititate the end of the world. Some groups of scholars on the subject disagree, saying that it will simply initiate a dialog on taste and decency in women’s accessories. Either way–important!

  21. Karl Says:

    That is one ugly ass ring.

  22. jenny Says:

    avitable: oh that’s right. i was thinking of liar liar v. pants on fire.
    cheryl: if she tracks me down, i’ll send her your way!
    roy: what if i gave it back? does that still initiate something bad? i don’t want bad luck!
    karl: you should’ve seen it in person!

  23. Black Belt Mama Says:

    It kind of looks like a deranged turtle. I’d say definitely get rid of that thing, although it may hold some kind of secret reptilian magic powers or something.

  24. natalie Says:

    wow! now that is a ring. i have no idea what kind of ring, but definitely a ring. and nothing i would ever spend money on myself, but someone, somewhere must love it. or maybe they were given the ring as a gift and “lost” it because of how much they hated it. you might not be doing them a favor by finding it.

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