Summer Summer Summer Time

I don’t know if it’s the heat + humidity combo or all the anabolic steroids I’ve been taking lately, but I’m feeling more violent than ever these days. Mostly just today I guess.
Here’s what happened:
I was waiting for my iced decaf soy latte at Starbucks when this youngish guy shoves next to me. He was on his cell phone having a really loud conversation that was something like, “Dude! That would be so awesome! No way! That’s so f*cking awesome. Are you serious? Awesome.”
So I snatched the cell phone out of his hand and smashed it on the ground, stomping it with my heel, then I got real close to his face and screamed, “You know what would be awesome?! Do you?! It would be really awesome if you would close your goddamn mouth while you’re chewing that goddamn rice krispie treat like a goddamn cow! And it would be really awesome if you stopped saying awesome, you backwards Cubs hat, flip flop wearing, mouth breathing mofo!”
And then I shoved him hard so he fell backwards into the display, shattering coffee mugs everywhere. I grabbed my iced latte and walked out the door while some people applauded.
A couple of those things happened.
I think I’ve become a character in a Spike Lee movie. It’s just like Do the Right Thing, where it’s the hottest day of the summer and everyone has a hair-trigger temper.
And just now, I slipped on a copy of Bust magazine (the one with Amy Sedaris on the cover) and my bare foot wedged underneath my bedroom door, leaving a big gash on my little toe. I was about to tear up the magazine out of spite, but then I realized that it wasn’t Amy’s fault. I’m the one who left her on the floor.
I guess once I make it to Beijing, all the ‘roid rage will have been worth it.

14 Responses to “Summer Summer Summer Time”

  1. sizzle Says:

    That woulda been SO AWESOME if you had shoved him into the display.
    You hate me now for saying awesome, don’t you?

  2. Dave2 Says:


  3. elise Says:

    Ooh, that feeling of pure rage when you do something like slip and then slam your toe into something (or stub your toe) is like none other. I think I get enough adrenaline to pick up a car when that happens. Of course all I would want to do with the car is heave it through a wall, grunting and yelling like the Hulk. AWESOME!

  4. shari Says:

    OK, wait… you mean you DIDN’T actually shove him OR smash his phone?? God, I’m so disappointed.

  5. You can call me, 'Sir' Says:

    Jenny, it’s pronounced ‘motherfucker’. Say it with me….

  6. You can call me, 'Sir' Says:

    Jenny, it’s pronounced ‘motherfucker’. Say it with me….

  7. Cheryl Says:

    This is why feminism gets a bad rap. It’s always causing people to slip and hurt their toes.

  8. Jessica Says:

    Awesome blogpost, Jenny…so f*cking awesome -seriously. Awesome!

  9. churlita Says:

    Oh, uncontrollable rage. I bet it looks adorable on you though. Right?

  10. Pants Says:

    Oh man, that WOULD be awesome!!!

  11. Abigail M. Schilling Says:

    Backwards Cubs hat! I actually miss Chicago douchebags. They just aren’t the same out here.

  12. delmer Says:

    Fight the powers that be!
    That is the song, isn’t it? The one on Radio Raheem’s ghetto blaster? Am I even talking the right movie.
    Anyway, I love the post. We — that is, sensible people with manners — need to slap the rest of the world into shape … even if it makes us look mannerless in the short term.

  13. Dave Says:

    Those JuicyFruit withdrawls are a real mother huh?

  14. jenny Says:

    sizzle: not at all – i use the word awesome all the time. it was more in his delivery. :)
    dave2: so do i! i just don’t like to see them in a semi-digested state in someone else’s mouth.
    elise: exactly!! JENNY SMASH!
    shari: i didn’t say which parts of the story actually happened. maybe i didn’t get an iced latte…
    sir: shhh. you know i can’t say that bad word here!
    cheryl: no kidding. feminism should come with a warning label.
    jessica: aaaaaargh!!! :)
    churlita: sadly, no. i can’t do cute rage. i look more like charles bronson when i’m enraged.
    pants: dude. it would’ve been so totally awesome if i would’ve shoved him through the awesome window.
    abigail: they are a special breed, here, aren’t they?
    delmer: oh, that’s the song all right! 911 is a joke!
    dave: you don’t even want to know what they now put in the juicy fruit slot… GENERIC LIFE SAVERS! AAAARGH!

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