For the past week, I have been tormented by an infestation of flies in my apartment. Where are they coming from? Why do they keep choosing my apartment? I have no food here. Truly, no food at all. I’ve been defrosting my refrigerator for the past three days, and have been surviving on nothing but peanut butter and pretzel sticks, both of which are hermetically sealed after use.
I suppose it could be due to the fact that it’s 95 degrees and humid out – perfect fly incubation weather – and some asshat keeps opening up the window in our back hall which is directly above the dumpster.
But more likely, my apartment was built on top of the Hell Mouth and we’re only days away from the Evil One once again walking the earth. If the walls start to bleed, I’m out of here, security deposit or not.
By the way, what good are cats that can’t even catch a fat, slow fly? No good at all. I could totally pull a blindfolded Daniel-san move and catch these flies with chopsticks if I wanted to. I’m trading the cats in for bullfrogs this weekend.

17 Responses to “Worthless”

  1. Dave2 Says:

    Where’s Buffy when we need her?

  2. natalie Says:

    we have the same slow flies here in turkey. the funny thing is they congregate in the middle of the room. then they fly really slow. they might land on the chain hanging from the ceiling fan, but mostly they just kinda float there. at least they don’t land on us or our food.

  3. PocketCT Says:

    At least they don’t bite! My friend’s house has a flea infestation.
    fly swatting contest with three friends?

  4. heather anne Says:

    Lucky for you, you can take cats OR a frog to Hogwarts!

  5. jenny Says:

    dave2: exactly! if ever there was a need for a slayer…
    natalie: so what you’re saying is that maybe the turkish flies have invaded my home?
    pocketCT: flea infestation? okay, i’ll stop complaining now about a handful of flies!
    heather anne: awesome! are dogs allowed there, too? i might want to get one just to spite my cats.

  6. delmer Says:

    I was in line at McDonald’s this morning and there were two flies paying too much attention to me. My thought was, “All the food’s back behind the counter … why are you bothering me.”
    I figured they must have been the stupidest flies ever.

  7. shari Says:

    If you have fruit flies, I can help. Ask Peefer. But regular flies? You’re on your own. Although, if you’d just move to Wenatchee, you’re much more likely to have fruit flies than regular flies, and then I could help you. See?

  8. Tracy Lynn Says:

    Mine won’t hunt bugs either. They said something about not getting paid for that, and referred to their agent.
    Ever since they organized, they won’t do ANYTHING.

  9. Anonymous Says:

    Dear Jenny,
    I recently went to the hardware store where I purchased a roll of mesh screening. You can cut the screen to size and thumb tack or duct tape it in place. Perhaps you could try this in the window in the back hall. Or try burning sage and chant demon I command you to leave this house.

  10. jessicaprince Says:

    And what, pray tell, would you name the bullfrogs?

  11. serap Says:

    I watched my cat this morning sit and observe a passing beetle, merely inches away from him, and not bother to do any more than turn his head to watch where it was headed. Useless animal.

  12. claire Says:

    You can totally have the spider living under my bed… if only I could find it again!

  13. vahid Says:

    This summertime asshats will be the ruin of us all.

  14. vahid Says:

    ugh. That was supposed to be ‘these’, not ‘this’. ‘These’ summertime asshats. Oh well.

  15. Cheryl Says:

    Let me tell you what else cats won’t catch: ants. Ants are cute when they’re in 3D-animated movies, but when they’re chowing down on your cat food in droves for the third time in 24 hours, they are NOT cute.

  16. jenny Says:

    delmer: they were probably tired because they had just finished laying eggs on your hamburger.
    shari: what’s your secret for fruit flies?
    tracy lynn: ain’t that the truth!
    vivian: i think i’ll try the sage option, because the problem is that my genius neighbors are leaving not just the window open, but the screen itself. morons.
    jess: i think i’d keep their names as miso and jasmine, because then i wouldn’t have to get new monogrammed towels for them.
    serap: what is with these cats? where is their killer instinct?
    claire: ooh – send it to me, will you? although by then, the flies will already be dead and i’d have to deal with a spider infestation.
    vahid: either way you say it, it’s true. asshats ruin it for us all.
    cheryl: well, ants are filled with formic acid, so i can kind of understand that. but flies are filled with honey and yummy deliciousness, so why won’t the cats eat them?

  17. shari Says:

    It involves coffee filters and mason jars, bits of fresh fruit and microwave ovens. And it is super deadly.
    But I’m not scary, really.

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