If you and I hang out in any of the same blog circles – and let’s face it, this is one incestuous pool we’re swimming in, so we probably do – then you’ve already heard several exciting recaps about Davecago 3. But just in case you haven’t, here’s the Cliff’s Notes version: I met up with RW, Mrs. RW, Leah, Kevin and Katie, Dave2, Kelly, Lynne and her beau, Tori, Robin, Suzanne and Gary for some pizza. Then we got some ice cream. Then we went to one dark bar for fancy drinks. Then we went to another brighter bar for more fancy drinks. Then we got into cabs. Then we went home.
See? Boring, right? That’s what you get for trying to skate by life just reading the Cliff’s Notes. You never even got to hear about this stuff:
Chapter One:
A friendly, yet unfamiliar face that I would soon learn belonged to a radioactive girl named Tori walked in and said to me, “Hey, I think we know someone in common! Do you know Vickie?”
And this being a blogging event, my brain would not compute, so I said, “I don’t know, what’s her site?”
And Tori said, “No, I mean don’t you know Vickie? I’m pretty sure she said she’s friends with you.”
And I said, “I’m not sure… is she at vickie.com, or vickie.blogspot.com? She sounds familiar.”
And Tori said, “You’re not hearing me. She doesn’t have a blog. She’s a person. A person you know in real life.”
And then smoke came out of my ears and I spoke in binary code for the rest of the evening.
Chapter Three:
Kevin and Katie innocently ordered something called a “white pizza” and unwittingly started a race riot at my end of the table. Fortunately, Dave2 had made salt ‘n pepper buttons for everyone to promote peace and love, and soon enough we were all back to our harmonious states.
Chapter Four:
I said, “Hey nerds!” to Kelly and Leah because they were synchronizing their Blackberries and talking about persistent user IDs, but then I had to laugh at the irony of calling someone a nerd while I was busy trading buttons with other bloggers and wearing a lanyard at blogger meetup. It always feels so good to be with my own kind.
Chapter Seven:
I tried to impress RW and Mrs. RW by acting like an absinthe aficionado, but they saw right through me. I’ve totally never even met the Green Fairy, and RW is like BFF with her.
Chapter Nine:
I like to tease Kelly because she has foxy* hair and smells nice, so I stole her bag of brownies (homemade by the radioactively fabulous Tori), but soon realized that you should never play keepaway with people who are 3” taller than you because they will just reach up and grab the brownies without even fully extending their arms and you will look dumb and not have brownies anymore.
Chapters Eleven – Thirteen:
What happens at Violet Hour stays at Violet Hour. I can’t really tell you any more about that.
Chapter Fifteen:
Suzanne kept pretending that she doesn’t have a blog, but I know for a fact that she blogs at www.myhungariangrandmotherisavampire.com, but just doesn’t want people to know about it.
Chapter Seventeen:
Gary told us about how he is going to start a blogger commune in Costa Rica, where we will all eat yucca and sugar cane and pineapples and coffee beans all day long, and it sounded like heaven. I am going to be in charge of growing cinnamon sticks, which I will wrap with pretty ribbon and sell to British tourists.
Chapter Nineteen:
I got jealous because Lynne and everyone at her table were drinking fancy tequila mojitos so I decided to order my own fancy drink called a Tequila Mockingbird, which, despite the clever name, tasted kind of like grapefruit salt.
Chapter Twenty-One:
My phone started buzzing, so I looked down and saw a text message from another blogger, Jessica, who was trying to warn me about some artistically compromising photos she had taken while under the influence of the Svengaliesque Sarah. I made Dave2 pull up the photos, and then was shocked, offended, and extremely disappointed to learn that you can only zoom in so much on an iPhone before the photo gets really grainy.
Chapter Twenty-Four:
Leah, Suzanne and I shared a cab and were almost abducted to Schaumburg – a fate worse than waterboarding – but were able to disorient our cabbie by making him drive down streets closed to through traffic. After he dropped me off, apparently Leah also cleverly convinced him to do an illegal left turn, at which point the cops pulled them over and she was safe to Twitter in peace once again.
Chapter Twenty-Four and a Half:
I ate almost all the remaining brownies before going to bed.
Chapter Thirty-One:
Robin shared secrets with Dave2 and me that some people would kill to learn. All I can say is that it involves World War II and a chain letter. It will be ages before anyone else learns what we now know, and I’m not sure I am going to be able to deal with the responsibility of this knowledge.
Now don’t you see why Reading Is Fundamental? Don’t try to coast through life on Cliff’s Notes alone – you miss all the good stuff.

*I’m trying to repopularize the term “foxy.” Please help me in this endeavor.

18 Responses to “R.I.F.”

  1. Robin Says:

    I had to share the secret— I felt that Dave was hoping my Aunt would encounter an “unfortunate accident”. I don’t need that kind of guilt.

  2. Jessica Says:

    Re: zoom function on the iPhone, I’m pretty sure I can get you a pretty detailed copy of the photo…..I’m not braggin’ or anything but, let’s just say, I know people.

  3. You can call me, 'Sir' Says:

    I’m just going to assume that the people who ordered the ‘white pizza’ are overtly racist, which is what started the riot.
    You should really be more careful with the company you keep.

  4. You can call me, 'Sir' Says:

    I’m just going to assume that the people who ordered the ‘white pizza’ are overtly racist, which is what started the riot.
    You should really be more careful with the company you keep.

  5. vahid Says:

    This ‘Chicago’ sounds fun! I think I should check it out! In a few months! We could have a foxy* time!
    *I have a feeling I’m not using this term correctly.

  6. kapgar Says:

    Oh yeah, blame us for your race riot!

  7. jenny Says:

    robin: your aunt will never know that you’ve saved her life!
    jessica: it’s all about who you know these days.
    sir: quite the contrary – they’re like the john and yoko of the blogging world. what i discovered is that a white pizza is a deliciously sauce-free garlicky, cheesy slice of heaven! it knows no color.
    vahid: indeed, you should! and i think that’s an acceptable use of foxy – we’re going to have to broaden the definition if we want mass acceptance.
    kapgar: the only thing i blame you for is introducing me to my latest vice… why, kevin, why? aren’t i addicted to pizza enough as it is?!?

  8. Miss Britt Says:

    Wow – and you couldn’t even tell us about Chapter Two! That had to be crazy awesome!

  9. tori Says:

    I have always wanted to go to Costa Rica. Can I come if I promise to bring brownies? I can use some of your foxy cinnamon sticks in them if you want.
    (that was lame, but I was trying to help you with your quest to popularize the word foxy…is it working?)

  10. Pants Says:

    FUN! I wish I had been there…and not just to eat your brownies…mmm, brownies!

  11. *lynne* Says:

    I was wondering about Chapter Two too… :)
    You missed out, gurl, them tequila mojitos were really good, especially since I like neither tequila nor mint! :) But hey, now I know, as much as I lurve puns, I will not be tempted to try a “Tequila Mockingbird” – grapefruit? salt? Ack!!

  12. serap Says:

    I too was wondering about chapter 2… and chapters 5, 6, 8, 10, 14, 16, 18, 20, 22, 23, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29 and 30. Please tell us what the foxy is going on with the numbers.

  13. shari Says:

    So Tori… what sort of *brownies* were they? Did they have *foxy* stuff in them? Because that would totally explain why Jenny tried to steal Kelly’s, AND why she kept eating them until they were gone.

  14. jenny Says:

    miss britt: actually, i think i had to go to the bathroom during chapter two.
    tori: will you help me sell the cinnamon to foxy tourists?
    pants: you would’ve loved it! you even could have worn your zombie getup.
    lynne: trust me… tequila mojitos are 10000x better than the cleverly named drink i had. you chose well!
    serap: all sorts of foxiness was happening in those chapters – too hot for print!
    shari: she swears it was only kahlua, but we all thought they had COCAINE in them.

  15. delmer Says:

    Did your mom come? Did she ask about me?

  16. BB Says:

    I have used the word “foxy” five times already today (just to help you out). And I am 1 hour ahead of you (Eastern time zone). So by the time you catch up to me, I may have already used the work seven times.

  17. jenny Says:

    delmer: alas, my fake mom couldn’t attend this blogger meetup. she was probably still at that wedding reception in philly.
    BB: i can’t thank you enough! you’re doing the entire world a service – i hope you know that. :)

  18. Dave2 Says:

    Hey, any Davecago you can walk away from is a good one! Thanks so much for your help again this year. :-)

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