Last week, I heard the news story about some guy who jumped into the ocean and punched a shark in the face to save his dog from being eaten alive.
True confession: I’m terrified of sharks. I’ve never seen one, well, not outside of an aquarium at least, but anytime I hear about shark attacks, it just freaks me out. You can’t beat a shark, you just can’t. You can’t outswim them – what, are you stupid? Sharks are killing machines. They have rows and rows of teeth that never stop growing. Did you hear me? NEVER STOP GROWING!
And did you ever see when they jump up out of the water and their eyes roll back and their lips pull back? Killing machines. Big time.
So no way am I punching a shark to save my cats. I totally love my cats and have raised them since they were just wee seven-week old kittens, but seriously. No way. What the hell were my cats doing in the ocean in the first place, that’s what I’d like to know.
But here are some things I would punch to save my cats:

  • Medium-sized carp

  • Chicken (but not a goose)
  • Old lady with a walker
  • Paperboy under the age of 12
  • Chihuahua
  • Garter snake

19 Responses to “Sharks”

  1. vahid Says:

    Oh, Jenny. That list is just crying out for a video post.

  2. Lisa Says:

    Part of me wants to add a snuggly, little baby but that would be cruel, wouldn’t it? Or down right sick? Hey, I’ve got kids so I can say snuggly, little baby.

  3. jenny Says:

    vahid: if you catch me a carp, i’ll totally punch it out and post it on youtube!
    lisa: see, that’s how the babies trap you. they trick you into thinking they’re helpless, and then they vomit all over you. don’t fall for it!

  4. churlita Says:

    I agree with Vahid. I think you should take a video of you punching all those things and put it on Youtube. Can you imagine how many hits you’d get? (ha ha – hits)

  5. shari Says:

    Don’t be silly, Jenny. You just cannot go around punching chickens. They’re protected… by obscenely small wire cages. Think before you threaten, is all I’m saying.

  6. Avitable Says:

    What if a cardboard mock-up of a shark was going to eat your cats. Would you punch that?

  7. serap Says:

    My old housemate had a shark phobia, despite never having been near one… she told me once that she couldn’t even shut her eyes in the bath, you know, “just in case”.

  8. claire Says:

    A garter snake? Really? Just last month, I saw one on a trail and leapt backwards so fast and far that everyone behind me was in danger of being knocked flat. I guess what I’m saying is that you can go first if we go hiking. And if we go deep-sea fishing and you pull up a shark, I’ll punch it.

  9. jewelz916 Says:

    I’m right there with you, sistah! I’m terrified of being eaten by a shark….especially in swimming pools with a deep end.
    However, I might slap a shark if it tried to eat my cat. Either that or I’d try to pull its fins and call it bad names.

  10. martymankins Says:

    I would punch the raccoon that keeps coming to our back porch to save our cats.

  11. Tracy Lynn Says:

    I would totally back Los Gatos against a shark, especially if it owed them money.

  12. Robin Says:

    The real question is…What are your cats willing to do for you? We both know if you fell and bumped your head (and knocked yourself out), the feasting would begin almost immediately.
    Which is why I would rethink punching the garter snake…eeeewwwww!

  13. jenny Says:

    churlita: i want to achieve mass youtube fame, and then be stalked by PETA.
    shari: that’s why i only punch free range chickens, like god intended.
    avitable: depends. are the teeth cut out, like where i could maybe get a nasty cardboard cut on my knuckles?
    serap: my phobia hasn’t reached that stage yet, but if i watch any more “shark week” videos on youtube, it might!
    claire: ‘lil ole garter snake cain’t hurt you. i’ll take care of them if you can handle the sharks.
    jewelz: would you really? no way am i getting my hands anywhere near the shark. nuh uh!
    marty: no! raccoons have rabies! make sure you wear gloves if you punch one.
    tracy lynn: those cats better appreciate your fierceness!
    robin: you know what? you bring up such a good point. i’m going to tell them what you said and see if they shape up their attitudes.

  14. kim Says:

    I have to totally agree with you about not punching a goose. They’re mean and they bite.

  15. Jessica Says:

    Jen, I wish you knew how much I needed this laugh today….if you knew that, then you would know how much I love you right now.

  16. Cap Says:

    Would you punch a catfish to save your cats? Or would you consider a catfish a natural progression of evolution?

  17. jenny Says:

    kim: geese are nasty! and they have no fear.
    jess: glad i could help – hope things start looking up soon. need me to punch any paperboys for you? :)
    cap: interesting question. i hesitate to say yes, not because of the connection to felines, but because catfish are gross and slimy and they sting and they have no bones, so they would probably squish when i punched them.

  18. greeneyezz Says:

    I gotta agree with Vahid, we need a video of this. Careful there though, I heard those Old ladies with a walker can really pack a punch if they needed to! I think it’s got something to do with the Blue hair dye.

  19. emily Says:

    i tried to comment at you (c) 09/05 but it wouldn’t let me. turns out that’s the you that drew me to the site, and somehow it seemed to me you’re the sort of person who might like to know that i was doing a long shot of a google image search for a Note Left By The Back Door or some such permutation when i ran across your image of a note. which i then had to browse your whole site to discover down there in 2005. and the fact that i’m writing you this note now is either a testament to the brilliant snarky wittiness of your blog or my own tendency to procrastinate. brava to both of us!

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