Jenny and the Chocolate Factory

Dave, did I ever tell you you’re my hero? You’re everything, everything, I wish I could be. I can fly higher than an eagle, for you are the guy who got me a pass into the 2010 Sweets and Snacks Expo in Chicago. Today, my deepest, darkest dreams became a reality when I was given a golden ticket, gaining me unlimited access to all the free candy I could eat.

[I meet Mr. Lemonhead, and we totally hit it off.]

See, I have a bit of a sweet tooth. It’s really my worst vice, next to scotch and cocaine. I like candy and lots of it, so when Dave mentioned a while back that he would be attending the candy convention in Chicago, I could barely contain myself. Sure, I tried to play it cool, but deep down inside I was just hoping against all hopes that Dave would somehow finagle a way to get me into the show.

chief wannapop
[Chief Wannapop says eat more candy, paleface!]

The only thing greater than free candy is free CUTTING EDGE NEVER BEFORE SEEN candy. I feel exactly like Veruca Salt because now I am a candy insider – I know what’s going to show up on the shelves of your local 7-11 before anyone. I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Chocolate covered Peeps, cocktail flavored Jelly Bellies, attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion… all these moments will be lost in time, like tears in the rain.

Except that they won’t be lost in time, because I stuffed all of them into my purse like it was Halloween.

[Yeah, that’s a giant beef jerky stick on top. You got something to say?]

I tried to play it cool and not be a greedy boor like so many of the other attendees, mostly since I was pretending to represent Dave’s company, but what do you expect me to do when I am faced with the Pez display that is bigger than my apartment? And it’s right next to the Jelly Belly Mona Lisa? And just past that is some crazy vendor hawking Mexican tamarind/chile flavored lollipops? I FREAKED OUT, that’s what I did.

mona lisa
[Da Vinci would be proud]

I never thought I’d hear myself say this, but I am so sick of candy right now that I might eat celery for three weeks straight. After two hours of wandering the aisles of candy and snack vendor after candy and snack vendor, I started to get delirious. That has to be my excuse for agreeing to sample the candy at this vendor:

[You can dress ‘em up all you like, but a worm’s a worm, and it ain’t no kind of candy.]

I had a chocolate-covered meal worm, followed by a chocolate-covered grasshopper. Some guy next to me just grimaced as I bit through grasshopper.

“They just taste like chocolate,” the woman reassured me.

“They taste like chocolate… with legs,” I clarified.

The man decided to take a pass.

I have seen the future, and its name is Pretzel M&Ms. Take a peanut M&M, but remove the peanut and replace it with a crunchy, salty pretzel. That’s right, you heard me. THEY PUT PRETZELS INSIDE OF M&M’s!! And don’t even get me started on the Butterfingers Snackerz. Yeah, that’s Snackerz with a “Z” because they’re too badass for an “S.” As Dave so succinctly put it, “It’s like Butterfingers meets cereal.” All we needed was a pint of milk and I would have made a permanent nest in their booth.

glo pop
[Unleash your inner rave-tramp with glo-pop pacifiers!]

Well, now it’s time for me to try my best to come down off this sugar high so I can get some rest before work tomorrow. But knowing what I now know, I’m not sure how I can ever walk among the uninformed masses, feigning surprise when a co-worker one day brings in Pretzel M&Ms like he invented them. As the song goes, how you gonna keep ‘em down on the farm after they’ve seen Paris? When someone figures that out, please let me know. Until then, you’ll find me eating my mocha flavored Necco wafers.

23 Responses to “Jenny and the Chocolate Factory”

  1. Dave2 Says:

    Blade Runner.

    You quoted Blade Runner.

    How could I ever go to another candy show without you?

    And did you ever get the cricket legs and antennae out of your teeth?

  2. jenny Says:

    You should never go to another candy show without me! But give me a few months lead time – I need to train like Kobayashi so I can fit more candy into my belly.

    And I just coughed up a wing a minute ago…

    Thanks again!

  3. Don Says:

    OMG, mocha Necco. I could say that all day. Mocha necco mocha necco mocha necco mo– OMG is that mocha jelly beans in Moaning Lisa’s cleavage? I am almost as jealous — almost — as when you all were in Vancouver and I wasn’t. You were, weren’t you? Or was it all a dream? Mocha necco mocha necco mocha necco mocha necco, ohmmmmmm…

  4. sizzle Says:

    I am having a sugar headache just looking at the photos. Holy candy! But chocolate covered worms? A line must be drawn. :-)

  5. Seamus Says:

    No shout out to the Gummy Venus de Milo and her sweet sweet can-dy. This is an outrage.

  6. hello haha narf Says:

    that must have been spectacular! so glad you got to enjoy. even if i am sofa king jealous.
    sofa king jealous.

  7. MOM Says:

    Will you share? Can I have a taste of EVERYTHING you have in that purse? Unless there is a chocolate covered anything-that-was-formerly-alive. Ewwwww You can have all those; I wouldn’t want to deprive you….

  8. claire Says:

    Wow. A few days ago, I was stressing over all the candy I’d been eating of late, but I feel like it’s all good now. Butterfingers Snackerz?! Want!

    Course I live in the boondocks so I’m not likely to see these fancy marvels even when they hit stores.

    Also, when I saw Chief Wannapop, I totally thought jerky, and then lo and behold, there was jerky in your next photo. Weird.

  9. Lynne Says:

    Were they hanging out bags of free cash to taste the bugs? That’s the ONLY way I would eat them. Are those vendors freakin’ crazy??

  10. Cheryl Says:

    I was with you right up till “chocolate-covered meal worms.” I’ve eaten non-chocolate-covered grasshoppers, and they were okay (but should have been crispier, I think). But I CANNOT handle meal worms. They’re so icky that I can never own a frog or anything else that puts the “meal” in meal worm.

    But then I was with you again at pretzel M&Ms and chocolate cereal (my two favorite foods in the world, combined).

  11. jenny Says:

    don: no, we were never in vancouver. i mean, obviously we weren’t, otherwise i would’ve written about it, right?

    sizzle: i totally had a sugar headache. and you’re right – a line was crossed that day.

    seamus: can you believe that i didn’t see even one master Gummi carver there? lame.

    hello haha narf: it was pretty awesome. sofa king awesome, in fact. :)

    MOM: well, i’ll bring what’s left this weekend. i think the nephews will appreciate the cricket and scorpion suckers…

    claire: if you’re a fan of butterfingers, you need to scour the tri-county area to find those snackerz. they were pretty darn delicious.

    lynne: i will admit, there was no one in line by the chocolate bug vendor, whereas dave almost got tackled when we were talking to the butterfingers vendor.

    cheryl: they had cheese flavored meal worms (in the center of the picture) and i just couldn’t bring myself to try them. the chocolate coating helped disguise their worminess.

  12. Finn Says:

    Pretzel M&Ms? Want. Now.

  13. churlita Says:

    Candy, candy, candy! Yea! but boo to the bugs and worms. I don’t even like Gummi worms.

  14. shari Says:

    I am SO relieved that they put an age limit on those Princess Glo-Popcifiers. Obviously, they’re intended only for suitably mature consumers.

  15. Sarah Says:


  16. Shelli Says:

    That just looks like…heaven. But I’m with you, I would be sick of candy for awhile after going there.

  17. teahouseblossom Says:

    Yay, candy convention!! That just sounds like endless fun…

  18. Anecdote Says:

    I love sweets and have the four fillings to prove it! I think I would have had a sugar overdose at that convention!

  19. Don Says:

    Did Facebook kill the Blogger stars?

  20. rhonda Says:

    Please come back!

  21. Roy Says:

    Weird. The jellybean medium makes Mona Lisa’s smile less enigmatic.

  22. shari Says:

    I miss you. We should have scotch.

  23. vahid Says:

    Listen, I don’t want to get pushy or anything, but it’s nearly the end of January here and I don’t know who your spirit guide for 2011 is yet.

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