May 19, 2013
It started over a year ago. The emails began with a friendly and hopeful tone: “To better serve the needs of our growing customer base, Laughing Squid is migrating all hosting to the cloud! It’s awesome! Bigger! Faster! Better! Cloudier! It’s in a cloud! Like angels and kittens and unicorns! Come join us! We’ll be decommissioning all old servers by the end of 2012, so migrate to the CLOUD soon!”
Then a few months later, the emails started taking a slightly more pressing tone: “Don’t forget – Laughing Squid is migrating to the ***cloud*** before the end of 2012. You will need to take action before the end of calendar year 2012 AD if you want to get on the cloud, which is where everyone wants to be, because it’s on a cloud! See you in heaven… on the cloud!”
That’s when I first emailed Vahid (circa November 2012):
“Vahid. You use Laughing Squid, right? What the hell is this cloud thing they keep talking about, and why do I want to go to there?”
“Oh yeah, I did that months ago. Took me about 30 minutes – it’s super easy.”
“Okay, well, good to know. I may need to hit you up with questions when I try to migrate. TO THE CLOUD!”
Then came 2013.
I would check my site every so often to see if it was still there, or if the cloud nazis had taken it down.They hadn’t, so I quickly forgot about the cloud.
But then the emails started coming more frequently, and more aggressively.
“We are shutting down server squid15 VERY SOON! Migrate your site immediately TO THE GD CLOUD or we will keep charging you! Even after it doesn’t work anymore. Do you get what we’re saying? We mean it this time!”
Another month went by.
“You are seriously the last person on squid15. The last person in the entire world. If you do not get your lazy ass off the couch and migrate your site, we will hunt you down and take your thumbs. We have your address, you know.”
And then came May.
“Bitch. This stopped being funny 6 months ago. We just want to do our jobs. My kids won’t get birthday presents this year because my bonus is tied to 100% cloud coverage. Why won’t you migrate your stupid blog? You haven’t written anything in years – why do you even care? Seriously. Get the f*** off squid15 before I pop a cap in your ass.”
So finally, I called Vahid. He didn’t know what he was in for at first, but it quickly became clear when I said, “What’s an FTP, and do I have one? Wait… I don’t remember my password for WordPress. How do I backup my files? I don’t remember where I host my domain.”
It only went downhill from there. But ever the patient and generous friend, after only 3 hours on the phone, a failed webex session, and 25 password resets, Vahid finally was able to migrate my site.
TO THE CLOUD!
Look at me mofos… I’m in the cloud. Floating around, writing stuff, being green, keeping it real, drinking champagne out of leather boots. That’s how we play it in the cloud. Why didn’t I do this in 2012?
Dear Vahid –
I promise that the next time I call you, it won’t be to make you explain the internet to me. Honest! You are a scholar and a gentleman, and I owe you many drinks the next time we’re all in Santa Fe. I am forever in your debt.