Cosmo Compatibility Study

By Dr. Jenny Amadeo, PhD, Human Relations and Sexual Development
I know what some of you are thinking. You’re saying to yourself, “Sure Jenny has a PhD in Human Relations and Sexual Development, but is that really even an actual area of specialization? And even if it is, how can she, with her PhD in Human Relations and Sexual Development, help me identify who I am most attracted to?”
Well, first of all, you ended that question with a preposition. But whatever. Secondly, I resent the implication that my degree is something I just made up on the “L” ride home last week. If you really knew what you were talking about, you would know that I don’t even take the “L” home anymore. I ride the Metra, as I have for almost the past year. So there goes your theory out the window.
Moving on to the second and actually sensible part of your question, you want to know how I can help you identify your ideal mate, is that right? Well, fortunately, most of you took the quiz from last week. If you didn’t, there’s still time, but only if you stop reading right now and go here. Then come back to us. Go. Now. Bunch of Johnny Come Lately’s.
For those of you who did take the quiz, I need to preface this report by saying that you may disagree with my findings, but just know that as a scientist, everything I tell you is truthful and accurate. I looked at the facts, followed the trends, analyzed and dissected the data, and discovered that all attraction comes down to simple choices.
Through your raw honesty and deep self-examination, you have helped further science in the area of Human Relations and Sexual Development. So I thank you all for your willing participation in this study, and must admit that I have never been more attracted to you than I am right at this moment. Call me?

The Rules of Attraction: Research Findings

Subjects were placed in a controlled web-based environment and presented with a series of choices. They were instructed to select the option to which they found themselves most attracted. Choices were:

  1. Circle or square
  2. Bear or wolf
  3. Sun or moon
  4. Crocodile or cobra
  5. Solid, liquid or vapor

Results were tabulated and analyzed by an independent laboratory in a controlled whiskey-based environment in northern Chicago.
Number of respondents (including Natasha and Dr. Amadeo):
Male = 23%
Female = 74%
Unknown = 3% (1 anonymous)
Circle = 53%
Square = 47%
Bear = 55%
Wolf = 45%
Sun = 30%
Moon = 70%
Cobra = 52%
Crocodile = 48%
Solid = 21%
Liquid = 38%
Vapor = 41%
Most Popular Choices:
At the most basic level, each option within these pairs is inherently either masculine or feminine.
In addition, each option has certain personality traits associated with it, which drive our attraction toward each. Whether consciously or not, respondents found themselves drawn toward the characteristics that each of these options possess.
Square = stable, pragmatic, mechanical
Circle = emotional, open, artistic
Bear = fun-loving, outgoing, strong
Wolf = aloof, mysterious, wild
Sun = healthy, friendly, extroverted
Moon = romantic, elusive, noncommittal
Crocodile = aggressive, bold, athletic
Cobra = manipulative, clever, flexible
Solid = reliable, honest, rational
Liquid = adaptable, creative, passionate
Vapor = evasive, shy, mystical
As any good researcher on a tight budget will do, I used myself as the first subject, and my choices were Square, Wolf, Moon, Cobra, Liquid. This means that I am most attracted to people who are mechanical, mysterious, romantic, clever, and creative. “But, Jenny,” you’re thinking. “Some of these traits contradict each other. How can you be attracted to someone who’s both stable and elusive?”
And to that, my response is that clearly you and I have never dated, or you would know that I am attracted to all sorts of things that contradict each other. Be more attentive! Give me my space! Tell me how you feel! Stop being such a crybaby!
Based on their responses, study participants were grouped into three different categories based on the personality traits they find most attractive. This means that these individuals should all meet each other and hang out at the bars together, since they clearly are attracted to the same types of people. Or conversely, it means that they should avoid each other at all costs, for fear of having their mates stolen by backstabbing bloggers with similar tastes. (I only present the data, what you do with it is up to you.)
Please note: the label for each group indicates the type of person to whom they are most attracted, and does not necessarily reflect their own personality.
The Grounded
The Ethereal
Tracy Kaply
Dr. Amadeo
The Conflicted The Hermaphrodite The Balanced
Stationary Queen
The Scarlett
Dr. G
Fiorello La Guardia

  1. Women like to take personality quizzes more than men.

  2. With a few notable exceptions (ahem…), the majority of respondents like structure and rules.
  3. Very few respondents are attracted to mates who are grounded.
  4. Many respondents seek conflict.
  5. Most bloggers fear the sun.
  6. My friend Vivian needs to change that “I don’t like quizzes” attitude if she ever wants to meet someone nice.
  7. Respondents are mostly a bunch of softies and romantics.
  8. Nina is really impatient.
  9. I should really let my subscription to Cosmo run out.
  10. I think squares are hot.
  11. I would make out with a wolf, right here, right now.

My next study is about the effects of excessive blogging on libido, so if you are over the age of 21 and a non-smoker, please contact my research assistant to set up an appointment to participate in this important study.

22 Responses to “Cosmo Compatibility Study”

  1. Kevin Says:

    Sadly, I am a minority respondent. Shame, too.
    C’est la vie.
    Oh, and I’m 30 and a non smoker. Sign me up.
    Hey, if I go to my HR Department, what are the odds that any of them will say that their degrees also covered Sexual Development? Or is this specific only to a select group of HR specialists?

  2. nina Says:

    okay, okay, you can add: Nina is impatient and she is excessive in her blog-related activities but thankfully this has not (recently) affected her libido. In short: Nina is excessive.
    Terrific analysis, btw. You have skills.

  3. Cheryl Says:

    If there were Oscars for blogging (and it’s only a matter of time till there are), this would be Titanic. Except, like, it’s actually good.

  4. Sarah Says:

    Holy crap! Spot on!

  5. Anonymous Says:

    Dear Jenny,
    OK, OK. I am totally taking your next quiz. And I think you should be syndicated. Forget Ann Flanders. We want Dr. Amadeo!!!

  6. shari Says:

    Holy shit, you are so dammit witty!! And, as fate would have it, I am good at laughing! So hanging out at bars together should work out well, just as you concluded. Damn, woman! You DO got some skee-ulz!
    Oh, and I almost forgot: I am also exceptionally gifted at pouring and drinking scotch. See what I’m saying?

  7. Neil Says:

    I am deeply disturbed by my attraction to squares. Is there anything I do medically to return myself to normal circle-loving?

  8. jenny Says:

    K: Well, fortunately, Human Resources and Human Relations have very little to do w/ one another, so I think your HR department will safely stay out of my area of expertise. But let me know if you see them trying to horn in on my territory, will you?
    N: Every excess in moderation is the key to life, I always say.
    C: Near. Far. Wherever you are, I believe that the blog will go on…
    S: Yeah, I forgot to mention that people who like crocs are also strangely attracted to the Portuguese. Funny.
    V: So now you’re all about the quizzes, huh? Well it’s high time, sister! Welcome to the dark side.
    S: And the good thing is, you’re already spoken for, so I don’t have to worry about you going after my square wolves.
    N: Well, Neil. There are some people who think that loving squares is a choice, and that you can be “re-educated” to start loving circles. Personally, I think you’re born a square lover, and should just embrace that. I also think squares should be able to marry squares, but don’t get me started on that topic…

  9. Jessica Says:

    Wow, Dr. Amadeo – fantastic study. Also, I was very interested in the fact that, other than liquid/vapor, we had the exact same choices. Good thing I’m married because, when I come to Chicago in a few weeks, you would either:
    A) Be insanely attracted to me, or
    B) Try to steal every guy to whom I was attracted (NOW where’s the prepositional ending, huh? HUH?!).

  10. Jenny Says:

    J: The guys to whom you’re attracted are heretofore fair game in so much as the aforementioned marriage precludes you from pursuing further opportunities such that might result in or reasonably indicate an affection to, or for, the parties named under subsection (d). Further, the term “insanely attracted to” indicates a state of mind which upon further review, shall not be levied upon bloggers unless consistent with section (ii) and agreed upon by all interested parties, except to the extent that such notices are in accordance with Article C.

  11. shari Says:

    Jen, now you know how attorneys feel. We’re so misunderstood….

  12. Fiorello La Guardia Says:

    Dear Dr. Amadeo…can you define “conflicted” a little for me? I thought I was attracted to my husband because he was “grounded.” Just sign me…
    Worried in Wisconsin

  13. jenny Says:

    Dear Worried:
    No need to worry. I’m sure your husband is grounded. You just aren’t really attracted to him, according to my research. Ha. Just a little PhD humor. Ahem.
    A few other people have expressed their concern with the term “Conflicted.” It means conflicted only in the sense that they do not possess primarily masculine or primarily feminine traits, but are a blend of both. It has been suggested that I change the label, so to appease the masses, I will change the label to “Hermaphrodite.”
    Keep those questions coming!

  14. romy Says:

    very interesting, dr amadeo !
    i am attracted to ethereal men. in fact, i prefer being able to see right through them.
    btw i wholly endorse this site as the titanic of blogging awards. :)

  15. asia Says:

    No matter how many times I tell your comments page to remember me I get the blank stare. everytime.
    I heart grounded? I am not suprised. I never did grow roots and got tangled with someone who never grew trailing vines. Hooray for science!!!

  16. The Scarlett Says:

    Dear Dr. Jenny,
    This entire “Hermaphrodite” thing has taken me by surprise! I suggest you check your data as the majority of those you studied fell into that category; oh, and I suggest that you not visit websites based upon the Google search of the phrase, “Hermaphrodite Statistics” because you will be asking for trouble.
    I agree that you should be syndicated in spite of this hermaphrodite debacle.

  17. jenny Says:

    R: I think I kind of like the idea of this blog as a luxurious, overpriced, entertaining sinking ship.
    A: The remember me problem will seriously push me over the edge! I spent hours trying to fix the problem – there’s some bug w/ Movable Type that should be able to be fixed easily, but I’m just dumb and can’t figure it out. Drives me nuts! If any smart people can email me advice, I’ll dedicate my next paint-by-number to you…
    TS: Why are you hatin’ on the hermaphrodites? You don’t like conflicted. You don’t like hermaphrodite. Okay – how about “balanced?” Is that better? Boring, but better. (But oh, the temptation to google hermaphrodite stats is great…)

  18. sandra Says:

    You know…no matter who I’m attracted to, I take great comfort in the fact that at least I’m perfect… ;)

  19. The Scarlett Says:

    I’m not a Hermaphrodite Hater (HH). In fact, I’m entirely pro-hermaphrodite. If there was a hermaphrodite next to me right now, I’d hug him/her.
    I’ll take balanced. As a Libra, balanced is satisfying. You might say I’m a balance-freak, that is, if you were a Libra Hater (LH).

  20. jenny Says:

    S: You should just make sure you never date another person who is perfect – it rarely works out. Look what happened to Brad and Gwyneth.
    TS: Thank you for the clarification! And I would never call you a freak! But if you keep running around town hugging hermaphrodites, people might start to talk. I’m totally cool with it, but I’m just saying.

  21. jill Says:

    I have to say, I was at odds with the term conflicted and leaning towards the more positive balance, but now that I’ve got it. . . I just don’t know. Conflicted is sexy. Balance, as you say, boring unless you’re on a high wire. And then that’s where the hermanintites come in. Of course, we’re not talking about me, but about my ONE TRUE LOVE. And. . . oh crap. Now I’m confused.
    (P.S. Such a fabulously great study, Dr. J. Really, scarily right on. I think. Um, there’s a privacy clause, right?)

  22. StationeryQueen Says:

    Most bloggers fear the sun. HA!
    Great stuff. Learned a lot here.