A Man Called Horse

“Three tickets for the 7:15 Walk the Line, please.”
“You mean the 8:30?”
“No, the 7:15.”
“There is no 7:15. Just 8:30.”
Seamus turned around and looked at us with a guilty expression, shrugging his shoulders as he walked back to where his girlfriend and I were waiting. I was trying to cram in another critically-acclaimed movie before the Oscars so that Brokeback Mountain wouldn’t be the only nominated film I had seen, but apparently it wasn’t meant to be.
“I don’t want to wait until 8:30. What else is playing now?”
We looked up at the marquee:
Munich at 7:20? Seamus had seen it already.
Match Point at 7:30? Eh, maybe.
Glory Road at 7:05? Isn’t that about basketball?
Big Momma’s House 2 at 7:40? Aw, hell no, you did not just suggest that!
Chronicles of Narnia at 8:00? Narnia! Narnia! Narnia! YES!
So Narnia it was. After killing some time at the Starbucks across the street, we got our tickets, grabbed some snacks (medium plain popcorn and bottled water – $7.75), and settled in to a near-empty theatre.
I don’t want to spoil the film for those of you who haven’t seen it, but I came away filled with desire. Deep, burning, passionate desire. Ever since we saw the movie, I find myself madly covetous of the following:
1. A fancy fur coat – all four of the children got to walk around Narnia in full-length fur coats, and they never seemed the slightest bit cold, even though they were wearing tiny little British summer shoes. If fur can keep someone that warm in a land of eternal winter, imagine what it would do for me in Chicago!
2. Turkish Delights – I want these more than all the Marshmallow Peeps in the world! Turkish Delights! Turkish Delights! I didn’t know if they actually existed until Jen at Nobody Here shared the story of when her husband brought her some from England. She told me they were horrible. She told me they tasted like roses. She told me not to eat them. I do not trust this woman. Why would someone work so hard to make me think something so clearly wonderful was, in fact, disgusting? Either a) because they truly are disgusting or b) because they are, in fact, clearly wonderful and she wants to keep them all to herself. I choose to believe the latter.
3. A centaur boyfriend – Did you check out the guns on that man-horse? Hubba hubba! Can you imagine how cool it would be to have a centaur boyfriend? I suppose I would have to get used to sleeping in the stable, but he could give me a ride to work every day. I’d be all, “Look at me riding on my new centaur boyfriend. Your boyfriend just has two legs. LAME!” And then you’d be all, “Uh, yeah. Well, at least my boyfriend has a real job. Your boyfriend pulls a Hansom cab and poops into a bag.” And then I’d say, “SHUT UP!”
So my Valentine’s Day wish for myself is this: a date with a fur-coat wearing centaur bearing a bejeweled box of Turkish Delights. I don’t know why it is so difficult to find a date for this stupid holiday!

26 Responses to “A Man Called Horse”

  1. Carrington Says:

    Didn’t you think, though, it was a little strange that Mr. Beaver reacted not a jot (nary a jot, I tell you) when he first encountered a foursome of lads and lasses wearing fur coats? I honestly expected something more along the lines of “OH GOD! COUSIN BERNARD!”

  2. kb Says:

    turkish delights… totally nasty. like flowery marzipan crap. but a centaur boyfriend… now you’re talking.

  3. ms. sizzle Says:

    i am notorious for getting the incorrect time for a movie. anyone who goes with me should always double check.
    :) sizz

  4. shari Says:

    I hate Valentine’s Day! (Of course, I’m assuming that’s the “stupid holiday” to which you refer… because it would be downright unpatriotic to hate President’s Day, don’t you think?) But really, I hate it. If my husband sends me flowers… so what? So does every other person on the planet send their S.O. flowers that day — it’s like it dilutes the brand or something. I don’t want gifts or flowers when everyone else is getting them merely because of numbers on a calendar — Gaaaaaaah! Suck-up flowers!! Meh.
    Damn. I forgot what I was going to say. Something witty and clever, I’m certain.

  5. Cheryl Says:

    The first time I tried candy made with rosewater (a sort of Persian delight; we don’t have a lot of Turks in LA, but I basically work in Little Iran), I was like, ugh, it tastes like perfume! But the next 55 times I tried it, I loved it. There must be some kind of addictive Narnia dust in there.

  6. kris dresen Says:

    Stick to the peeps, Jenny. Turkish Delight is nasty. Bleh.

  7. jenny Says:

    Why are all of you conspiring against me? Is there a Turkish Delight shortage? Are you hoarding them in your bomb shelters?
    Bring me Turkish Delights! And shave the lion!

  8. jenny Says:

    Oh yeah, except for you, Cheryl. You’re the only one I can trust anymore.

  9. mike Says:

    On behalf of dozens of Canadian boys, thank you for giving us inspiration for the BEST Valentine’s Day date ever. I may as well just return the iPod I was going to give.

  10. Kevin Says:

    Avoid the centaur. Double dates are a bitch. How many friends do you know that are willing to ride with you to any destination in a horse trailer?

  11. Strode Says:

    I find it funny that a woman would date a centaur. Why? Because women are so sqeamish about body hair now days.

  12. alissa Says:

    Dying laughing as I visualize you riding up all proud on your centaur boyfriend. I love it.

  13. Neil Says:

    Wouldn’t a centaur boyfriend shed all over the carpet? And could you really bring him out with your friends with his awful table manners? Think about this before committing to a centaur.

  14. jenny Says:

    I sure find it interesting that not only is everyone trying to keep me away from Turkish Delights, but now you are also trying to come between a woman and her centaur.
    What’s next? You’ll tell me that I can’t have a fur coat because it’s murder? Throw fake blood at me as I ride down Michigan Avenue on my he-horse eating sweeties?
    My centaur will outrun you and your fake blood because he loves me and I love him! My equine love knows no boundaries.

  15. Tracy Lynn Says:

    Jenny, I am totally with you and your somewhat deviant desire for equine love and Turkish Delight. I even support your desire for the fur coat, because , although evil, they are quite delightful. That’s what makes it tricky, yes? If it were evil and disgusting, there would be no problem.
    So you go have your fancy, yet deviant, Centaur riding, Turkish Delight eating, Fur wearing holday. After all, we only live once.

  16. sandra Says:

    Do you think your Centaur-boyfriend would be allowed inside restaurants? Or that he could ever sit down in them if he was? Just a thought. Although…could mean more food for you.
    As for the movies, I adored Walk the Line — and Match Point, too. In all fairness, though, everyone I know either absolutely loved or absolutely hated Match Point, so it apparently depends on which extreme you fall into…no middle ground.

  17. Natanya Says:

    she wears a long fur coat of mink.. even in the summertime. See I told you 2006 would be Year of the Glamorous Life. I support you.

  18. Anonymous Says:

    Dear Jenny,
    I think a Centaur boyfriend sounds very complicated.

  19. nicole Says:

    I too have never had Turkish Delights, but ever since watching the cartoon version of Chronic(WhAT!?)cles of Narnia, I’ve eyeballed them at the World Markets out there.
    $7 for popcorn and water? I really need to raise the prices at my theater!

  20. jill Says:

    THANK you, Vivian, for your sane reply.
    Listen, Lady Godiva, I think this whole “more love in the new year” thing is going to your head in a strange way. Drink yourself some of that cucumber water you so fancy and have yourself a lie down. It’ll be better in the morning. Anyway, centaurs live in the forest not some intown stable, and that’s a very long commute from work with no place to plug in your iPod.

  21. nina Says:

    How about a cat in your lap, a strawberry jelly (same color) and a horse’s ass for a boyfriend? That sounds doable.

  22. jenny Says:

    Okay, I almost choked on a clementine at Nina’s comment. But must I continue to remind all of you that some of our greatest romances were star-crossed? Love is not easy. Sometimes love involves getting horse-accessible fixtures installed in the bathrooms.
    I mean, what about Romeo & Juliet? What if they had said, “Oh forget about it. We come from warring families. We’re too young. We’ll have to leave Verona forever. It’ll never work.”
    Did they give up? No! And look how they turned out. Oh wait… scratch that.

  23. hooizz Says:

    is it too late to chime in with the ‘hes hung like a….’ comment? or did someone beat me to the punch? ha!
    BTW jenny- ive switched over to blogspot, so if you get the chance, update your links. thanks!

  24. allison Says:

    So…I had to skip the last part of your post because I haven’t seen the movie yet and I am just. that. retarded.
    But the plain popcorn? Styrofoam. SO not worth it.

  25. roy Says:

    re the Centaur boyfriend,how did Disney miss that one? It cries out for a feature length cartoon. Maybe a sort of Ariel-meets-Richard-Harris sort of theme.
    (“I AM NOT A HORSE!”
    “I AM NOT A FISH!”)

  26. anne Says:

    At the risk of being crass… I checked out the picture and I am just wondering, anatomically speaking, where his man/horse parts would be. Would he have both do you suppose? I think you would definitely need to consult the Kama Sutra before consummating the relationship. Could get tricky. But the rides down Michigan Ave. would be worth it (not to mention how many shopping bags he could pack)!