Mind Dump

1. Turkish Delights
Why, oh why, dear Internet, hast thou forsaken me? Why did no one tell me how disgusting Turkish Delights would be? Why did you all tell me that they would be every bit as delectable as they appeared to be in Narnia? Why did you promise me that my life would feel complete with Turkish Delights?
Okay, actually, they weren’t totally disgusting, but I think the texture got to me after a while.
My brain was like:
“Hmm. That first bite was firm, but chewy. Good. Okay. I can do this. Oh! And there’s a pistachio – how unexpected! [swallow] Oh, now the second bite tastes sweeter for some reason. Did I get more of a hint of honey with this one? Yes, maybe that’s it. [swallow] Well this third bite is… is this even the same candy? What does it feel like… a rubber eraser? Head cheese? Oh, oh gross. That coconut feels like fur! [throat closing]

2. Fat Tuesday
Co-worker #1: “Hey everyone! I brought in paczkis for our department! I had to wait in line at 5:30 this morning to get them.”
Co-workers #2-15: “Ooooh! Aaaaah! Yayyy!”
Me: “What’s a paczki? Is that like a tchotchke
Co-workers #1-15 and the elevator repairman: “WHAT?!?!? You don’t know what paczkis are? Only the most traditional Polish Fat Tuesday jelly filled treat! What’s wrong with you?”
Me: “Uh, well… I… my mother was a heathen gypsy?”

3. Dr. Travis
Why do I care about The Bachelor: Paris so? I told my friend Natasha that I couldn’t join her at her apartment for a Bachelor finale party because I had to work on an important presentation for work. But then I ended up watching it anyway and calling her during every commercial break.
Best line ever [spoken through intermittent sobs]: “When you look at someone, and realize that you’re staring back at your soul… aboo hoo hoo!”
I am convinced that this bachelor is the spawn of Maria Shriver and a pit bull. Just look at the jaw on that kid! If he latches onto you, he’ll crack your skull.
Based on the natural physical evolution of previous Bachelors, I predict that next season we will see RoboBachelor: Silicon Valley – which woman can jumpstart his heart?

18 Responses to “Mind Dump”

  1. Sarah Says:

    lol…awesome…crack your skull.
    I’m sorry, I totally could’ve warned you about the Turkish delight. We used to get it all the time from a dude from Istanbul who was always wandering our office. They taste bad. The consistency is grody. And they get crap all over your shirt.
    But you already know that now.
    Again, I’m sorry.

  2. Don Says:

    Wow. I haven’t been here in a long time. You write more better and more funny than I remember! If I had a blog I’d link you again! But alas. Signed, not a lass, Don aka Hip Liz the Blogless.
    p.s. – In the movie, that Turkish Delight looked gross. I wouldn’t eat it in a million years unless I was completely and thoroughly out of Oreos, and I mean it.

  3. jenny Says:

    Sarah: you just won 1000 style points and my undying respect for bringing back the word “grody.”
    Don/Hip Liz/Man without a Blog: Why, thank you kindly, but shortly after you abandonned the internet, I hired a staff of five to actually write this blog. I haven’t typed a word since November. An intern is posting this comment right now.
    PS – you really thought they looked gross? Something about the color and gooey texture of the delights in the movie kind of intrigued me.

  4. Jessica Says:

    Sorry the Turkish delights weren’t that delightful; was the paczkis any better?

  5. ms. sizzle Says:

    spawn of maria shriver!!
    ha ha ha ha….
    that is priceless. :)

  6. Kevin Says:

    Paczki! That’s what it is!
    Katie and I were driving around kinda late last night trying to see if there were any bakeries still open that might carry what Katie described as a “round, jelly-filled Fat Tuesday pastry.” I had no idea what she was talking about, but it sounded good.
    Alas, we never found any. But at least we now know what they’re called. Whether we remember the name next year remains to be seen.

  7. dee-dee Says:

    my favorite part of the running commentary you had on the bachelor was when you called and did the whole Princess Bride routine (clearly can’t choose bachlorette number 1 la-la-la)…mchottie really was a cute one

  8. jenny Says:

    Jess: Call me crazy, but the paczki tasted suspiciously like every other jelly donut I’ve ever eaten. But then, I’m not a fan of donuts.
    Sizz: Thanks! But actually, I can be bought, so name a price. :)
    Kevin: From what my co-worker said, you had to get up pretty early yesterday to get your paczkis!
    Dee-Dee: I felt so sick when Moana met his family and just wouldn’t answer any of their questions. She’s kind of insane.

  9. sween Says:

    Did I forget to warn you about Turkish Delights?
    Oops. Sorry.
    They’re HIDEOUS.

  10. nina Says:

    In defense of paczki (pronounced: pohn-chkee, not anything near tchochke, any gypsy could tell you that), in Warsaw, the coolest bakery sells them filled with rose-petal jelly and glazes them with candied orange peel. DeGaulle loved them so much on his visit to Poland that, upon his return to Paris, he wrote to the bakers and asked for a shipment to his home. True story.

  11. shari Says:

    Anything with shredded coconut = *bleh*. And if it also includes random green nuts = **BLECH**.
    You are not the only adult who had never heard of paczki — I hadn’t either until this year. Still have not tasted one, but somehow I feel worldlier and more cosmopolitan just by knowing they exist.
    Oooh, did I just offer myself more cosmopolitans?? I love me!

  12. Jen Says:

    Um… excuse me? Why did no one tell you how disgusting Turkish Delight would be? Who am I, chopped liver? You were warned, mightily, and you did it anyway. You signed up for every mouthful of snot-textured badness, and you’re not getting any sympathy here, Missy.

  13. jenny Says:

    sween: it’s okay, but please tell me that they don’t sell them in my beloved Canada.
    nina: you say “pohn-chkee,” i say “paht-chkee.” you’re from Poland, i’m from Wisconsin. is either one of us really right?
    shari: wha- who- cosmos? where?
    jen: i distinctly remember you telling me how much you loved them. “My husband made a special trip to London to get them for me,” she said. [okay fine, so you warned me, as did about 10 other commentators. i don’t know you people – how can you be trusted?]

  14. brandon Says:

    jenny, you are so right about the next robo-bachelor.
    I found this sneak preview of the next candidate.

  15. egan Says:

    I thought Travis was hot. I guess you and I will have to disagree.

  16. jenny Says:

    brando: OMG! It’s official: you truly can find anything you want on the Internet. Robo-Journey is HOT!
    egan: I’m not saying he’s not attractive. I’m just saying watch your skull. Sometimes he doesn’t mean to bite, but his gigantic jaw just can’t control itself.

  17. sandra Says:

    Um…so, I was obsessed with The Bachelor all season. I’m not sure why, but I am sure that I’m thankful my flatmate was also obsessed.
    By the way — what was with Moana crying for two hours?! I seriously wondered if they were going to start force-feeding her some Prozac.

  18. sween Says:

    If the do sell Turkish Delights in Canada, I have no idea.
    Then again, they could sell them at every single corner store I have ever been in, but after the Turkish Delight incident of 1983, I believe I have a mental block that actual cuts off the optic signal indicating “Turkish Delight” from ever reaching my brain.
    Thank you, Brain.