Opinion Poll: The Entry In Which I Become Your Sworn Enemy

I didn’t set out to become your sworn enemy. I mean, does anyone, really? I can’t imagine anyone wakes up and says, “Today I want to make at least one person hate me. Hopefully more.”
It’s not like that. It’s just that sometimes we have to do things that we know might hurt other people, but our reasons for doing that thing are really valid and outweigh the risk of making you hate us. And also, maybe I am still harboring a bit of resentment over the whole Turkish Delights thing, but that’s really not the point.
Perhaps it will help you appreciate where I’m coming from if I provide a bit of background. For the past three days, about every hour or so, I have caught myself humming a little tune. A musical interlude to break up the monotony of my day. Just a simple refrain that swirls around in my head. Over. And over. And over. And over.
And then I’ll be pulled into an important business meeting, and I’ll start thinking about deliverables and action items and takeaways, and I’ll get back to my desk, and then it will start all over again.
You’re beautiful.
You’re beautiful.
You’re beautiful, it’s true.

That’s it. That’s all I know of the song. And that’s all I know of the song because that’s all they play on the ad for this mofo’s new CD, now on sale at Wal-Mart. And in the ad, which I assume is a clip from his video, he sings in this whiney sensitive boy slow-mo look at me singing in the rain crap while he slowly unzips his little hoodie. If I hadn’t made a resolution that 2006 would be all about more love, I would kill this man and mount his head on a pole for all future whiney boy singers to behold. Like John Mayer and his mush mouth.
So anyway, this got me thinking. Barring a frontal lobotomy, how could I get this song out of my head? I emailed my friend Natasha for advice:
>>>You have to sing the whole song all the way through.
>>>But I don’t know the whole song. I don’t want to know the whole song!
>>>It’s the only way.
>>>Well, what if you just gave me another song? Like, what’s a song that gets stuck in your head all the time? Maybe I can just take that one instead.
>>>DAMN YOU!! Now you made me think of the songs I’ve been trying to get out of my head!
>>>Look, Nat. The damage is done, so just give me some ideas.
>>>Fine. Push It by Salt n Pepa, but mostly just the intro “doo doo doo / doo doo / doo / doo doo doo doo doo.” And also the “yo yo yo yo baby pop yeah you, come here give me a kiss.”
>>>Good one! That’s way better than “You’re beautiful…” DAMN IT! Now that’s back in my head! Yo yo yo yo baby pop. I’m gonna ask Dee-Dee, too. Later!

>>>Hey Dee. What are some songs that get stuck in your head and you can’t get them out?
>>>Pretty much every song Nat sings when I ride to work with her.
>>>Such as…?
>>>”Turn around, every now and then I get a little bit terrified and then I see the look in your eyes. Turn around. Every now and then I fall apart! And I need you now tonight! And I need you more than ever!” You know the rest. Oh yeah, and Black Cat by Janet Jackson.
>>>Bonnie Tyler’s a genius. But what the hell is Black Cat? I don’t think I know that one.
>>>You know it. You’ll know it when I hum it for you and it gets stuck in your head for three days…
After chatting with Nat and Dee-Dee, I decided that I should adopt the same attitude about annoying songs that I have about syphilis: if I’m going crazy, I’m taking someone with me.
Which is where you come in. I now firmly believe that the only way to remove an insanely irritating song from your brain is to put it into someone else’s, and perhaps replace it with another, hopefully slightly less irritating song. Behold – this week’s OPINION POLL! I’m actually going to offer fewer choices than normal because I think the most important part of this poll is for you to exorcise your own personal song loop demons.
So please don’t hate me if, later today, you catch yourself humming “You’re beautiful. You’re beautiful. You’re beautiful, it’s true,” over and over again like a crazy person. I had to save myself.
Question: Which annoying-as-all-get-out song gets stuck in your head and plays over and over and over again until you want to stab forks in your ears, but that wouldn’t even help because they’ve traced the song and it’s coming from inside your brain?
1. You’re Beautiful, by that mofo
2. Total Eclipse of the Heart, by Bonnie Tyler
3. Push It, by Salt n Pepa
4. It’s a Small World, by Walt Disney
5. Theme song from the Menard’s commercial (“You save big money, you save big money, when you shop Menard’s!”)
6. Other (please explain)

28 Responses to “Opinion Poll: The Entry In Which I Become Your Sworn Enemy”

  1. Dave2 Says:

    No question: The Macarena.
    Do I really need to explain the reason?!? :-)

  2. Jen Says:

    Her name was Lola
    She was a showgirl…

  3. sween Says:

    I have to think about the opinion poll answer for a bit, because I have the trick that all good Canadians should know (shame on you, Jenny!):
    If you have a song in your head, get rid of it by singing “O Canada”. I don’t know why it works, but it works every. Freaking. Time.
    The scary thing, I’m not kidding. Every time.
    True story.

  4. Sarah Says:

    I’m not trying to be all esoteric and highbrow here, but remember that song “Butterfly” by the white rap/rock group from about…hmmmm….10-ish years ago? (“Come my lady, come come my lady, you’re my butterfly…”)
    Hasn’t left my head a single days since I first heard it.

  5. jenny Says:

    As I suspected, this post really is going to hurt me more than it did you. I’m the one with the tape recorder for a brain – why did I do this?
    dave2: AGHGHGH!! Someone actually mentioned Macarena, but I didn’t want to write it down, lest it get stuck in my head. Too late.
    Jen: OH GOD!!! Many years ago, I saw Copacabana in London (free tickets, don’t ask) and the two people I went there with would not. stop. singing. that. line. For the rest of the trip. I almost killed us all.
    Sween: but what if I only know the first line to Oh Canada? I guess it’s time I learn my national anthem…
    Sarah: You’re my butterfly, sugar, baby. Come my lady, come come my lady. I actually really liked that song. You are nothing if not highbrow, Sarah.

  6. mike Says:

    You spin me right round (baby)
    right round
    Like a record (baby)
    right round, round round…
    And dammit, Sween. Why did you have to do that?Now I can’t get our national anthem out of my head. Except for the frenglish mumblings we learn in elementary school and later practice at hockey games.

  7. Kevin Says:

    Actually, none of what you listed. I’ve only heard that mofo’s song once in my life, which I guess I should consider a blessing. Wonderful thing… not listening to a radio.
    The Menard’s tune would be annoying if I didn’t have a different reference point from which to think about it. My best friend’s three-year-old son is addicted to the song, but he sings it “Big big money at the ‘nards.”
    For me, the worst earworm tune right now is that Muppets’ “menah menah” song. You know the one, right? When that gets in my head, it’s all over.

  8. ms. sizzle Says:

    i did the wrong thing and read the comments first and now there is a chorus of bad songs running through my head though that “you’re beautiful” song is winning out. damn you james blunt!
    i am going to play some led zep real loud to drown them out!
    :) sizz

  9. Tracy Lynn Says:

    I alter the words to Copacabana, so that it’s only the tune that stays in my head. The words become songs about my cats, my niece, my car, etc. This makes me crazy, but only to other people.
    But this week’s earworm for me was I 76 by G Love and Special Sauce.

  10. Anne Says:

    Well, down here mostly annoying country songs get stuck in my head, not so bad for me considering my area, but could be devastating to you. I actually like country, just not all of it…especially the one my 2nd grade son thinks is fun to sing over and over…which is… ooh oooh, I feel like a woman (Shania Twain). Got to get that on video to torture him with later. I figure even if he ends up as a gay man it will still be funny!
    IF I hear Whiskey for my men and Beer for my horses it will stay with me unitl I sleep to forget aboutit!

  11. steph Says:

    i have to agree that ive had “youre beautiful” stuck in my head for weeks now. but thanks to these comments, i have now been humming “copa, copacabana…” for about 5 minutes. UGH.

  12. Anonymous Says:

    My Heart Will Go On. You know, Celine Dion. Titanic. Shall I hum it?
    Actually I only know how to hum it, as I’m rather pathetic with remembering words.
    Oh no. It’s in my head.
    Oh boy. This one’s going to stick for a week.
    Oh f**k, I hate you Jenny.

  13. peefer Says:

    Yeah, that was me. (Your “remember me” doesn’t work.)
    Did I say I hate you?

  14. jenny Says:

    mike: GOOD ONE!!! That’ll be with me for days!
    Kevin: Oh, the ‘nards. You really do big, big money there, don’t you?
    sizz: And she’s buy-uy-ing a stair-air-way, to heavuhun!!
    Anon/Peef: Yeah, you’re gonna wish you had stayed anonymous. You hate me? You hate me? Near, far, wherever you are / I believe that the heart does go on / Once more you open the door / And you’re here in my heart / And my heart will go on and on

  15. ashbloem Says:

    Wait, what’s wrong with Total Eclipse of the Heart? It’s only, like, the BEST KARAOKE SONG EVER.
    p.s. TequilaCon + karaoke = the most cringworthy fun ever.

  16. scott Says:

    The Dark Crystal. That’s exactly right.
    Hello, Jenny.

  17. Leslie aka Cupcake Says:

    That “O-ee-oo, o-eeeeeee-o” song that’s repeated by ominous marching men towards the end of The Wizard of Oz.
    I forget the context of the tune, but it pounds relentless in the head. It can replace any other tune, btw. At least it’s got short lyrics.
    I am told that songs that get stuck in your head are called “Ear worms”– from the German, “Ohr-wurm.”

  18. Fiorello La Guardia Says:

    The radio jingle:
    Donate your car today…..
    Gaaaaaaaak! And thanks so much, Jen, for making me remember this sickening ditty!

  19. Robert Says:

    This, people, is why the radio is Satan’s technology and I’m happily immune to it. Although that Muppet song gets me once in a while.

  20. patricia Says:

    though i never get to the point that i want to stab anyone, the greatest american hero consistently gets played on the inner jukebox. for the longest time that song had the rare distinction of being the only song i knew by heart without needing the music. (i can’t recall song lyrics unless the music is playing)
    there’s something else that gets stuck in there, it just happened a couple of days ago, but for the life of me, i can’t remember what it is right now.

  21. shari Says:

    Ha! I do NOT hate you, Jenny! I’m not even mad at you, and would not ever consider swearing to be your enemy. See, I have music playing in my head at. all. times, and can change it at will. Seriously — I’m immune to earworms. Don’t hate me… Now something to exchange for your current earworm? I recommend Hall and Oates, “Doo, doo, doo, duh dah, dah, dah…” from the 1980s. Enjoy.

  22. nina Says:

    I welcome songs stuck in my head. The alternative is dealing with the clutter that’s there.
    I keep a mix-CD in the car and play track 16 (Eclipse) pretty much all the time these days. I think it adequately builds up the drama that I feel essentially describes my life this year.
    Keep hummin’. It’s better than sobbing, trust me.

  23. sandra Says:

    Please don’t hate me for reminding you this song exists…but Hanson’s Mmmbop gets stuck in my head sometimes. I actually detailed the reason in a post earlier this week…and again — sorry!!

  24. Peggasus Says:

    God, I HATE that ‘You’re Beautiful’ song too. Biggest pile of nasally, treacly dogshit to hit the airwaves in ages. What a loser.
    The one I find myself often humming and singing is Outkast’s ‘Hey Ya’, but it’s really not that bad to have that stuck in your head.

  25. romy Says:

    i’m gonna go make a mix CD.
    i’ll send you a copy, jenny.

  26. romy Says:

    uh-huh, this my shit.
    all the girls stomp the beat like this !
    a few times i’ve been around that track
    and it’s not just gonna hapPEN like that !
    ’cause i ain’t no hollaback girl,
    i ain’t no hollaback girl …

  27. Junebug Says:

    That annoying “Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny” song…. “She wore an itsy, bitsy, teeny, weeny yellow polka-dot bikini…blah blah blah”. It is the background song for an equally irritating commercial that is currently running and I see it at least once a day. That’s all I need to get that song stuck in my head, especially when I am sitting at my desk concentrating on something and then all I can think of are the words to that song. It’s slowly driving me insane.

  28. Chris Says:

    Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale,
    A tale of a fateful trip.
    That started from this tropic port
    Aboard this tiny ship…..

    If I hear this song I must plug my ears with my fingers and shout out “La, la, la, la, la, la! I can’t hear you!” Usually, this is futile, and I MUST SING IT ALL THE WAY TO THE END in order to stop the endless cycle in my brain.