This is my birthday post

It’s not really my birthday yet, but I’m leaving for DC on Friday to celebrate, so I will be partying with some lobbyists and senators and interns all weekend, and wanted to be sure to capture a few important thoughts while I’m in a reflective mood.
As a Pisces, I am the oldest and wisest sign of the zodiac, but now that I’m turning 35, I don’t like to think of myself as old. I prefer the term “mostly dead.”
And while I believe in astrology, I have never been much of a fan of daily horoscopes. This would be why:

Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20):
The talent you’ve mastered has been neglected of late – get back to it! You’re happier and more fulfilled when you’re practicing your “thing,” and everyone around you will benefit.
Chicago Sun Times, Tuesday, March 14, 2006

The talent I’ve mastered. Talent. I have mastered. Mastered.
Uh, hello? Little help?
Now, there are all sorts of “things” that I “practice” that make me “happier,” but how exactly am I supposed to know which one of these is “my thing?” Because now, not only is my happiness and fulfillment on the line, but I have to worry about everyone around me? So if I don’t practice “my thing,” none of you will benefit? This is bullshit. What kind of birthday horoscope is that?
God forbid I don’t do that one talented thing I do, because then the rest of you will have to suffer. Some birthday this is turning out to be.
Another thing I learned today, while watching the repeat of the premiere of the new cycle of America’s Next Top Model, is that if I ever go on America’s Next Top Model, I will make sure not to seem like I have any self esteem. Tyra doesn’t like it when people don’t find themselves hideous. Tyra gets very mad when you think you did well in a photo shoot. Tyra will not tolerate anything other than utter self-loathing. The most important thing to know about modeling is that there is always someone prettier and thinner and taller than you, so don’t you ever forget it. And in Tyra’s case, there is always someone with a less bulbous forehead.
Well, I guess the good part about getting older is I don’t have to have a point to my entries anymore. Old people are always starting stories and not finishing them, and I know for a fact that this is a talent of mine, so I look forward to cultivating this gift in my 35th year and beyond.
Oh yeah, and old people also tell the same stories over and over again. Like, did I ever tell you about the time I got locked in a basement? God, what a fright I had. Or when I got drunk and hugged a co-worker? Lordy, lordy, lordy. Oh! I know you haven’t heard this one yet! One time, I paid $7.50 to download really terrible ringtones for my cell phone. I was really reckless when I was 34.
Wait… what was I saying?

40 Responses to “This is my birthday post”

  1. Jessica Says:

    I sure hope you remember me next week….

  2. Jessica Says:

    P.S. – you are SOOOO cute (then and now)

  3. Sarah Says:

    Happy birthday!! Such a cute pic.

  4. brando Says:

    yeah. that’s the good part about 35.
    thanks for the warning.

  5. Anonymous Says:

    Dear Jenny,
    This is my favorite photo of you because while your hair is completely fucked up and insane, you are smirking at the camera. What four year-old smirks? Only an incredibly intelligent and wise four year-old. Only a four year-old who owns her hair in a way that Tyra never could.
    I can’t wait to see you in DC and celebrate your birthday, which I hope will be full of smirks and crazy hair– or at least smokey whore eyes.
    P.S. Was that teddy bear yours or a prop?

  6. number4of5 Says:

    I hope that on Friday you actually do get to live it up with some congressmen here in the Nations Capitol. A word of advice, as long as you don’t end up in the tidal basin with one of them, you should be fine.
    That photo of you is amazing. Have a very Happy Birthday!

  7. jenny Says:

    Jess: What’s next week?…… kidding! Can’t wait to hang out! Too bad Dee’s out of town. (and thanks – you’re sweet!)
    Sarah: Thanks! It’s actually a really cheap stunt to pull out an old baby photo when you don’t have anything good to write about, but I never said I had ethics.
    Brando: I’m here to guide you youngsters into the future, so just do what I say, not what I do.
    Viv: Isn’t that hair nuts?! If you look closely, you can see that my mother was trying to part my hair on the side. Poor woman. She had no idea what to do with it. It was a time before gel. I think the bear was a prop, sad to say. And I CAN’T WAIT to hang out in DC! Yay for whore eyes! (ps – I was three)
    4of5: Thanks so much! And thanks for the advice, too. Avoid the tidal basins… got it!

  8. teahouseblossom Says:

    Happy birthday, Jen! That photo is too adorable..especially the teddy bear!

  9. Caitlinator Says:

    Happy birthday, Jenny! Don’t listen to the stars on your birthday; that is my only advice.

  10. shari Says:

    So if it isn’t really your birthday yet, and this is merely your birthday post, then the daily horoscope for today isn’t really your birthday horoscope, is it? You’re holding out on us. Your real birthday horoscope probably says something like, “Dear Pisces, with your curly hair and rapier wit, this coming year will be a fantastic time of life for you. Steer clear of underground laundromats and ringtone vendors and it’s smooth sailing from here on out.” Have fun in DC!!

  11. Darby Says:

    My god…that forehead…it’s like, like, an entire TyraMail post office up there! Good lord!
    (Happy birthday. :)

  12. 3rdtimesacharm( 3T ) Says:

    Happy (early) Birthday to you Jen! :-)
    I hope you have a wonderful Birthday week!

  13. jenny Says:

    THB: Thanks – I probably should’ve stolen the bear…
    Caitlin: Excellent advice, indeed – thanks!
    Shari: Oh, I hope you’re right! My real birthday is 3/18, so I’ll have to remember to look!
    Darby: Oh, you so just outed yourself as a secret ANTM watcher with the TyraMail reference! My respect for you has just skyrocketed even higher!
    3T: YAY! You’re so right – it’s now my birthday week! Thanks!

  14. Alissa Says:

    Happy early birthday Jen! Have a fabulous time in DC – if I could remember the shady diner that Sandra took me to after I got trashed on martinis I’d tell you to go there. I threw up in the bathroom – classy.

  15. The Scarlett Says:

    Wait, does that qualify as a smirk? I can only say that Tyra would NOT like that you seemed so self-possessed at three (having not watched ANTM enough to know about TyraMail, I’ve resorted to assumptions). You were/are adorable. Happy, happy birthweek!

  16. Tracy Lynn Says:

    Many Happy Returns Of The Day To Come, Jen! And dude, that is totally a smirk, you sassy thing, you.
    Have fun and don’t forget your notebook, ‘kay?

  17. Cheryl Says:

    Happy birthday! If teddy bears weren’t too lumpy to mail, I’d send you a non-prop one of your very own as a b-day present (oh, who am I kidding, I’m just cheap). Your coworkers will have to act as a cuddly-huggable substitute.

  18. ms. sizzle Says:

    no one really knows what their “thing” is. you are not alone! happy, happy birthday!!
    ;) sizzle

  19. jenny Says:

    Alissa: Oh, man! Think, dammit, think! I totally need to know where you puked!
    Scarlett: For someone not familiar w/ ANTM, you nailed it. Tyra would have taken that 3-year old diva down a notch or two!
    Tracy Lynn: Thanks! And don’t worry – notebook is never far from my side…
    Cheryl: I wonder if that’s why I have issues hugging people – because my mom refused to buy me a teddy bear of my own.
    Sizz: Phew! At least we’re together in our confusion!

  20. Pants Says:

    I may have to start using “mostly dead.” Normally I stick with “I’m dying. Everyday I’m a little bit more dead than the day before.” It seems to bother people, I can’t figure out why.

  21. Karen Says:

    Happy, happy birthday!
    I’m just happy that you’re older than me. ;-)

  22. Neil Says:

    Happy birthday! Be careful who you hug in D.C.

  23. mike Says:

    Happy Birthday, Jenny!
    >making fish-kissy faces in your direction

  24. jenny Says:

    Pants: I know! What is it about people and their non-appreciation of death humor. I’ll never understand.
    Karen: Ouch – way to kick a girl when she’s down! ;) But as Tyra would say, I’ve just become more fierce.
    Neil: DC is going to be all about hugs. And drugs. And Oriental rugs.
    Mike: That bear is actually my vestigial twin. We were separated when I turned five, but sadly, he didn’t make it through the surgery.

  25. Jen Says:

    Hey happy bday! Have fun in DC too.
    I wish I had mastered a talent.
    Hey, can you really master a talent though? You can master a skill, but if talent is an innate thing, haven’t you kind of mastered it at birth?

  26. sween Says:

    You know, I’m too out of it right now to come up with a proper birthday wish.
    So I think I’ll let Tyra say it for me.

  27. Sarah Says:

    That picture is fantastic.
    Happy early birthday, and if you need any guidance or advice on what 36 is like, let me know.
    I just might remember something to tell you.

  28. Chris Says:

    Happy birthday!

  29. allison Says:

    Happy early Birthday!
    Try She’s scary.

  30. jenny Says:

    Jen: Excellent point! But wait – you can hone a talent, can’t you? Or no – maybe you hone a craft. Is that right? Do you fine-tune a talent? My head hurts.
    Sween: I’m so glad I clicked on your link at home this morning, because seeing Tyra’s even more bulbous forehead made me burst out laughing like a crazy woman. She looks like a klingon!
    Sarah: You can expect an email from me in exactly 11 months as I prepare for 36. I trust you will remember at least a few juicy details…
    Chris: Why, thanks!
    Allison: oooh, astrologyzone? I’m totally checking that out! Thanks!

  31. nina Says:

    God you’re young. So many mistakes to make still! People don’t get wise until about 52 or so.
    We already know what one of your talents is. And I wasn’t thinking of drinking or getting out of basements, though that too.
    Have a wild and wonderful birthday, you gypsy-child you!

  32. Mary Says:

    Aww, Happy Birthday, Jenny!
    We’re the same age – 35 is a good year. (LOL at “mostly dead”).
    Yesterday I reminisced at my blog about how ‘totally rad’ I used to be.
    But I gotta say, that kid photo of you is downright GROOVY!
    Wishing you and your talents many happy returns.

  33. Roy Says:

    The reason I love that picture:
    because your head is tilted and the expression on your face is very similar to that picture of you as an adult, under “about.” You seem to be thinking, gee why is everyone running around yelling and everything just because the dog’s tail is on fire? They’re so funny!
    Actually, you seem to be thinking that in BOTH pictures. Hmmm…weird.

  34. jenny Says:

    nina: You say the best things ever! But now, as a Pisces, I am much wiser than the average mortal, so I would guess that by 42 or so, I should be about as wise as I’ll ever get. After that, it’s all downhill.
    Mary: You are so totally rad! You might even be gnarly, but I need to think about that a little more.
    Roy: And without gel, my hair would look exactly like it does in that photo, too. But you’re right… what’s the big deal with the dog? Sheesh. Everybody needs to just calm down.

  35. ashbloem Says:

    I love that photo. Totally digging the hair. I think you should go a day without gel as a tribute to her and her little bear.

  36. sween Says:

    She looks like a klingon!
    Uh… you mean like this?

  37. Roy Says:

    Oh yeah–and happy birthday! Wow 35 jeesh.

  38. sandra Says:

    Happy birthday! Happy birthday! Happy birthday! Happy birthday! Happy birthday! Happy birthday! Happy birthday! Happy birthday! Happy birthday! Happy birthday! Happy birthday! Happy birthday! Happy birthday! Happy birthday! Happy birthday! Happy birthday! Happy birthday! Happy birthday! Happy birthday! Happy birthday! Happy birthday! Happy birthday! Happy birthday! Happy birthday! Happy birthday! Happy birthday! Happy birthday! Happy birthday! Happy birthday! Happy birthday! Happy birthday! Happy birthday! Happy birthday! Happy birthday! Happy birthday! (35 times!!!)
    We’ll have a celebratory drink — or 35 — at TequilaCon.

  39. shari Says:

    Happy Birthday!!!!! Wait. It’s my mom’s birthday today too, so does that make you my mom? OMG, that explains so much! Happy Birthday, Mom!

  40. asia Says:

    The question isnt a talent, but which talent you are supposed to be getting back to… even a woman of your caliber needs to pick.