There are many stories I could share about Tuesday night. Stories that might involve mullets or mosh pits, PBR or Purell. And of course, there are the Leslie stories. All in due time, but this first tale really deserves its own post. With photo essay.

I had a long-overdue reunion on Tuesday night with Ryan and Kevin, my blogger pals I met at the last Leslie and the Lys concert. This time, I brought Natasha along and we were also joined by Kevin’s BF, Dop.

Leslie’s show didn’t start until midnight, so we passed the time laughing and drinking $2 Pabst Blue Ribbons and watered-down scotches. At one point, just as I was sharing a recent horrific experience with unintentionally (honest!) finding porn on the Internet, a woman wearing a baseball cap and a veil walked up to Dop and Kevin and asked them if they were wearing boxers.

Dop gave the woman a puzzled look and shook his head no. Kevin, whose honesty made me suspect that he was a former Boy Scout, said, “Well, I have boxer-briefs on.”

Her eyes lit up as she said, “Those’ll do. Would you mind parting with them?”

Kevin nearly inhaled his sip of beer and laughed out a polite, yet firm, “No!”

As though it were necessary, given the veil and white baseball cap with the word “BRIDE” scrawled across the top in glitter gel, the woman explained somewhat apologetically that she was participating in a scavenger hunt for her bachelorette party. When Ryan turned her down flatly as well, just before walking away, she turned to Nat and me and asked, “I don’t suppose either of you is wearing boxers?”

This was yet another time when not wearing underwear worked to my advantage. (kidding. so kidding. about it working to my advantage, I mean.)
I think the woman skulked off before we could even bother to answer. The five of us laughed this off and went back to admiring the magnificent mullet of one of the bartenders. About a half hour passed when I noticed a white cap bouncing our way again.

Ever the persistent bachelorette, this time she walked right up to Kevin and asked, “Okay. Would you let me do a body shot off of you?”

Even in the darkly lit bar, I could see his face turning red, as he laughed somewhat uncomfortably. The woman looked over at Natasha and me and said, “Would you mind if I did a body shot off him?”

I looked over at Dop, who was trying to contain his laughter, and said, “Absolutely not. Go right ahead.”

I felt delirious with power for that one moment. It was like being the Godfather, or some sort of gang lord. That’s right, this is my turf, and I decide who gets to do body shots. You got that straight? I decide! And today, I say you can do a shot off of Kevin.

It again became clear to me that Kevin is just an all-around good guy because I really think he was being honest when, as she led him by the hand toward the bar, he looked back at us and said, “Well, okay but, how, how does this even work? I mean… how do you…? What do I…?”

Ryan, Nat, Dop and I stood around as helpless, but hysterically laughing, witnesses to the train wreck that is the average bachelorette party. Natasha grabbed my arm, hard, and said, “You remember our promise, don’t you, Jenny? No veiled baseball hats or penis necklaces, no scavenger hunts or suck-for-a-buck t-shirts. I mean it!”

And then we cut our thumbs open with my grandpa’s pocket knife and swore on blood that we would never throw a trashy “Naughty But Nice” bachelorette party for each other.

In order to best describe what happened next, I am going to do something that has never been done on a blog before. EVER! Because I am a Pisces, and we are empaths, I was able to understand every emotion Kevin experienced during the entire ordeal. Because I am a voyeur, and never leave home without my camera, I was also able to photo document every moment.

For your viewing pleasure, I have created the blogosphere’s first flip book. You will simply need to print out each of the pictures below on high quality glossy paper, bind them together, and then flip through to create an animated reenactment of the infamous body shot caper. The captions below each photo represent the exact thoughts going through Kevin’s mind during what were, I’m quite certain, the longest three minutes of his life.

I’m sorry we all threw you to the wolves, Kevin, but it was for the good of the whole. You earned your purple heart that night, along with my undying respect.

“Oh god. She’s coming back. Do you think she knows that I really was wearing boxers all along?”

“A body shot? I think I saw them do that on Real World Seattle one time.”

“Crap. She just bought the shot. She’s totally not bluffing.”

“Okay… so, I just tilt my head I guess?”

“Jenny, if you can read my mind right now, for the love of god please put down the frickin’ camera and make this stop. I’m only smiling to hide the pain.”

“Jesus loves me this I know, for the bible tells me so. Little ones to him belong…”

“Oh man… the salt is burning. And now she’s licking me. Happy place, happy place. Remember that cabin in northern Wisconsin we used to go to? Gosh, we sure caught a lot of walleye that one year. SHE’S STILL LICKING ME!”

“I wonder if lime kills bacteria?”

“Okay, so um… I’ll call you?”

Filed under: Leslie and the Lys on June 15th, 2006