About Last Night

There are many stories I could share about Tuesday night. Stories that might involve mullets or mosh pits, PBR or Purell. And of course, there are the Leslie stories. All in due time, but this first tale really deserves its own post. With photo essay.

I had a long-overdue reunion on Tuesday night with Ryan and Kevin, my blogger pals I met at the last Leslie and the Lys concert. This time, I brought Natasha along and we were also joined by Kevin’s BF, Dop.

Leslie’s show didn’t start until midnight, so we passed the time laughing and drinking $2 Pabst Blue Ribbons and watered-down scotches. At one point, just as I was sharing a recent horrific experience with unintentionally (honest!) finding porn on the Internet, a woman wearing a baseball cap and a veil walked up to Dop and Kevin and asked them if they were wearing boxers.

Dop gave the woman a puzzled look and shook his head no. Kevin, whose honesty made me suspect that he was a former Boy Scout, said, “Well, I have boxer-briefs on.”

Her eyes lit up as she said, “Those’ll do. Would you mind parting with them?”

Kevin nearly inhaled his sip of beer and laughed out a polite, yet firm, “No!”

As though it were necessary, given the veil and white baseball cap with the word “BRIDE” scrawled across the top in glitter gel, the woman explained somewhat apologetically that she was participating in a scavenger hunt for her bachelorette party. When Ryan turned her down flatly as well, just before walking away, she turned to Nat and me and asked, “I don’t suppose either of you is wearing boxers?”

This was yet another time when not wearing underwear worked to my advantage. (kidding. so kidding. about it working to my advantage, I mean.)
I think the woman skulked off before we could even bother to answer. The five of us laughed this off and went back to admiring the magnificent mullet of one of the bartenders. About a half hour passed when I noticed a white cap bouncing our way again.

Ever the persistent bachelorette, this time she walked right up to Kevin and asked, “Okay. Would you let me do a body shot off of you?”

Even in the darkly lit bar, I could see his face turning red, as he laughed somewhat uncomfortably. The woman looked over at Natasha and me and said, “Would you mind if I did a body shot off him?”

I looked over at Dop, who was trying to contain his laughter, and said, “Absolutely not. Go right ahead.”

I felt delirious with power for that one moment. It was like being the Godfather, or some sort of gang lord. That’s right, this is my turf, and I decide who gets to do body shots. You got that straight? I decide! And today, I say you can do a shot off of Kevin.

It again became clear to me that Kevin is just an all-around good guy because I really think he was being honest when, as she led him by the hand toward the bar, he looked back at us and said, “Well, okay but, how, how does this even work? I mean… how do you…? What do I…?”

Ryan, Nat, Dop and I stood around as helpless, but hysterically laughing, witnesses to the train wreck that is the average bachelorette party. Natasha grabbed my arm, hard, and said, “You remember our promise, don’t you, Jenny? No veiled baseball hats or penis necklaces, no scavenger hunts or suck-for-a-buck t-shirts. I mean it!”

And then we cut our thumbs open with my grandpa’s pocket knife and swore on blood that we would never throw a trashy “Naughty But Nice” bachelorette party for each other.

In order to best describe what happened next, I am going to do something that has never been done on a blog before. EVER! Because I am a Pisces, and we are empaths, I was able to understand every emotion Kevin experienced during the entire ordeal. Because I am a voyeur, and never leave home without my camera, I was also able to photo document every moment.

For your viewing pleasure, I have created the blogosphere’s first flip book. You will simply need to print out each of the pictures below on high quality glossy paper, bind them together, and then flip through to create an animated reenactment of the infamous body shot caper. The captions below each photo represent the exact thoughts going through Kevin’s mind during what were, I’m quite certain, the longest three minutes of his life.

I’m sorry we all threw you to the wolves, Kevin, but it was for the good of the whole. You earned your purple heart that night, along with my undying respect.

“Oh god. She’s coming back. Do you think she knows that I really was wearing boxers all along?”

“A body shot? I think I saw them do that on Real World Seattle one time.”

“Crap. She just bought the shot. She’s totally not bluffing.”

“Okay… so, I just tilt my head I guess?”

“Jenny, if you can read my mind right now, for the love of god please put down the frickin’ camera and make this stop. I’m only smiling to hide the pain.”

“Jesus loves me this I know, for the bible tells me so. Little ones to him belong…”

“Oh man… the salt is burning. And now she’s licking me. Happy place, happy place. Remember that cabin in northern Wisconsin we used to go to? Gosh, we sure caught a lot of walleye that one year. SHE’S STILL LICKING ME!

“I wonder if lime kills bacteria?”

“Okay, so um… I’ll call you?”

16 Responses to “About Last Night”

  1. kevinb Says:

    i’m turning that same shade of red as i sit here reading this. hilarious. and disturbing.
    something about the flipbook/filmstrip makes me feel as though it should be shown in 7th grade health class illuminating the dangers of drinking and bachelorette parties.
    thanks jenny (for what, i’m not entirely sure); i love it.

  2. Dustin Says:

    I have a new love, and Leslie be thy name. I am currently e-stalking her with the heavenly power of Google. How come you have all the fun Jenny?

  3. Strode Says:

    In the last picture, the two of them look as though they were bonded forever from this one common experience. Very touching. You have totally restored my faith in humanity. See Kevin? That was worth it. I mean you save someone’s faith in humanity.

  4. Jessica Says:

    Okay…now I totally want to lick salt off Kevin, too. Jenny, can you call him when I’m in Chicago next? Better yet, GIVE HIM MY NUMBER!
    Also, I knew it was only a matter of time before Dustin left the bright blue eyes of Vivian for the gaudy, flashy love of Leslie. I knew if I waited, his attention would get diverted and Vivian would be mine, all mine.

  5. Dop Says:

    I don’t know a better sport than Kevin. He tentatively attacks everything with a blush and a giggle, and follows it all up with one of his trademark silent laughs. Jenny, you did an excellent job capturing the this hysterical train wreck. But from here on out – I decide who gets to lick what off of my boyfriend. ;-)

  6. jenny Says:

    kb: BEEP! “Ladies, as you celebrate your upcoming wedding, know that excessive alcohol consumption can lead to disorientation…” BEEP!
    “poor decision-making…” BEEP!
    “and a general feeling of regret.”
    Dustin: Oh, how quickly they turn. Yesterday she was creepy, and now you’re in love. (Oh wait – maybe the creepy comment was meant for me… never mind!)
    Strode: He’s changing the world, one body shot at a time.
    Jess: Look, I’m not here to whore out my friends to the Internet. Except when I take photos of them in compromising positions and write about it on my site. But that’s where I draw the line!
    Dop: It’s so true – he’s just an all-around great guy. And I just couldn’t help myself… I was drunk with power! ;)

  7. Jessica Says:

    Well I hope you consider me your friend, too, Jenny. And, for the record, I don’t mind being whored out.

  8. shari Says:

    Could Kevin be any cuter?! Poor guy, what a great sport he is! And Dop, you are to be commended for not leaping to his rescue, because really, while chivalry is nice and all, it’s not very entertaining. Great journalistic photos, Jen.

  9. Tracy Lynn Says:

    You know, for the longest time I was wishing I could hang out with you, Jenny, but now I fear that, drunk with power, you might sell me off to some frat boys in a moment of mad hilarity and take pictures of them licking comestibiles off my lily white skin.
    Of course, it doesn’t sound so bad when I put it like that.

  10. jenny Says:

    Jess: Ah, but of course! And good to know you’re cool w/ the whoring thing. This could come in handy in Portland… ;)
    Shari: He really was a great sport – that bride lucked out! Although, it might have made for an equally interesting photo essay if Dop had stepped in. You should see the guns on that guy! :)
    Tracy Lynn: I would never make you do anything you didn’t want to do. So… then, I’ll meet you at the Gamma Kappa Frappa house? I’ll be sure my camera battery is charged!

  11. jill Says:

    OMG. Classic. Though remind me to never let you be my wing person. Your cost/benefit analysis seems to break down: cost to others’ dignity/entertainment for yourself & the blogosphere. Of course, so does mine. So it’s a draw. Neither of us is trustable! *sigh* (v. funny though, hysterical, really.)

  12. ashbloem Says:

    This really is quite a flip book you’ve enabled me to put together here. Thanks again for being on the cutting edge of blogging, jenny!

  13. jenny Says:

    jill: What?! I’m sooo trustable! I would never let a bride do a body shot off of you! Wait, okay wait. I totally would. But I would give you right of first refusal on all the photos I posted.
    ash: Yay! You’re back! And for my next trick, I will create a blog post in the shape of a Rubik’s cube.

  14. ms. sizzle Says:

    you are hilarious.
    i have that same promise with my best friend about bachelorette parties.

  15. Dustin Says:

    Jenny – Hey, at 24 I’m aloud my whims.
    Jessica – Whatever. As if you hadn’t already dropped Vivian (and apparently your husband)like a bad habit for Mr. Sedaris.

  16. Erik Says:

    Is it wrong that I now want to do a body shot off of Kevin? Next time I plan a bachelorette surprise party scavenger hunt, I’m totally making one of the items be “do a body shot off of a man named Kevin” in honor of this awesome flip book.