Hippy to the Hippity

“Fat Albert, you’re like an out of work school teacher.”
“Nooo class.”
“Hey, hey, hey!”

No, that doesn’t have anything to do with anything, but I’m really at a loss right now. My knees are aching, I wince when I bend, and the muscle spasms between my shoulder blades have just now stopped. Why? Because some out-of-shape 35-year old office dweller thought that her god-given rhythm and unconditional love for Michael “Boogaloo Shrimp” Chambers could carry her through a Hip Hop/Funk dance class. Stupid, stupid rickety ass old hag.
Holy effing eff, you effing 22-year old skinny effing dance majors who have effing taken this effing class five effing times already. How I effing hate you. From this day forth, I shall call you all Midge.
Effing A.
Here’s what we were taught:
The motorcycle
The lean and rock
The pop
The stab
The side slide
Here’s what I learned:
The carpal tunnel
The spinal contusion
The abdominal spasm
The blown ACL
The whiplash
Well, I’m gonna pop and lock a few Tylenol PM’s, chase them with some Maker’s Mark, and dream of Big Daddy Kane, gold tooth and all. Tomorrow’s another effing day.

22 Responses to “Hippy to the Hippity”

  1. kb Says:

    and the award for best use of “effing” goes to…
    need i even say?

  2. mainja Says:

    heh, that post was a think of beauty…

  3. RW Says:

    Heh – wait until you get to my number. My feet started hurting just reading the words “dance class”.

  4. Strode Says:


  5. Midge Says:

    Dear Jenny,
    I’m SO SAD that you had a difficult class. I know how hard it can be. GAWD! I remember my first time — I just came in after a heavy lunch of three lettuce leaves and a Skittle and OMG I felt SO bloated and horrible and I just know that EVERYONE was staring at my fat ass. So I know EXACTLY where you coming from.

  6. sween Says:

    Man. Midge is a bitch.
    We love you, Jenny. You and all your creaky bones.
    (As a guy that took three ibuprofens this morning to get ambulatory, I feel your pain.)

  7. Kevin Says:

    I feel so dirty. Like I was reading a non-cable version of the Goodfellas blog or somesuch.
    Now you go wash your mouth out with LifeBuoy this instant, young lady!

  8. jenny Says:

    kb: Something just took over me – I couldn’t control myself!
    mainja: Ha – thanks! Watching me attempt these moves, however, was most definitely not a thing of beauty.
    RW: We’re falling apart as we speak.
    Strode: THX!
    Midge: What the eff, Midge? Now you’re coming to my turf to flaunt your perfect body? Well, your kind may have driven me out of tap and jug band and figure painting and printmaking, but Nat and me, we’re not going anywhere. ‘Cause we’ve got heart. Do you hear me? HEART!
    Sween: You said it, my brother.
    Kevin: Wait… no! Get away from me with that soap… [gak. glurg. akk. squirb.] That was just effing uncalled for.

  9. Cheryl Says:

    I’ve taken hip hop classes at Bally’s gym in very unhip parts of L.A., so you’d think they’d be totally Midge-free…but no, I once discovered myself in class with half the touring production of the Lion King. Effing Mufasa.

  10. peefer Says:

    You need to wash your effing mouth out with some heavy duty Arm and Hammer. (‘Improves your smile, too.) Hi Jenny.

  11. peefer Says:

    Just as I hit “post”, I swear I saw a blog called “sugarcock” in your blogroll. I can’t seem to find it anymore. Can you please point me the way?

  12. Tracy Lynn Says:

    Dude, point me at Midge. I know how to deal with effing skanks like her. You just keep on keepin’ on, Squirelly-J.

  13. jenny Says:

    Cheryl: Oh man! That really does win a prize. Did they come in costume?
    Peef: Come on – I already did that for Kevin. All this washing is bad for my enamel. And please do not ever use the term “sugarcock” on my site again. Dirty.
    Tracy Lynn: Awesome – I knew you’d have my back! Did I happen to mention that there are five Midges in the class, one of whom is a guy?

  14. Anonymous Says:

    Dear Jenny,
    Again with the swears. You have become such a bad ass.
    Please video record you doing some of those hippity hop moves and post it on your blog. I know you coulda beena flygirl, but the world should know too.

  15. Tracy Lynn Says:

    Fear not, for I am totally capable of handling any number of Midges, regardless of gender. I have mad skillz, yo.

  16. Dustin Says:

    The Pop
    The Stab
    The Side Slide

    What the eff? Is this class taught by OJ Simpson or something?

  17. shari Says:

    Hey Midge, with a ‘t’ you’d be a midget. Take THAT!
    ***brushes hands together dismissively**
    It was nothing Jen, don’t mention it. Sometimes its best to deal with bullies on their terms.

  18. sandra Says:

    If it makes you feel better, I once fell over in a hip-hop dance class at my old gym. And yes, of course I was in the front! There was a bruise…and it was big.

  19. asia Says:

    I bet you are awesome.

  20. Mocha Says:

    Girl. I will totally kick Midge’s ass for you. That bitch has had it coming since I turned 30. I hate her.
    She sucks.
    Better yet, let’s just make fun of her from afar. I’m not sure if these 35 year old joints could withstand it either unless I’m hopped up on my One-A-Day vitamin and a pot of coffee with extra sugar.
    But still, I’ll throw rocks with you. Does your arm still work?

  21. jenny Says:

    Viv: I know – I’m swearing all the time on my blog now! I blame your badass NYC influence. You try to be all proper with the “Dear This” and the “Love That” but I know your real story. ;)
    Tracy Lynn: I will never underestimate you again.
    Dustin: You can take the hip-hop out of the streets, but you can’t take the street out of the hip-hop.
    Shari: And with an “S,” she’d just be a Smidge. Yeah!
    Sandra: That’s why I took the back row…
    Asia: Only when I close my eyes and let the rhythm take control. Breakin’ 3: Rhythm Takes Control starring Jenny Amadeo! :)
    Mocha: My god, do you all know her? I suppose we all have our Midge to bear.

  22. Dop Says:

    I feel your pain – literally! Trying to keep up with the younger guys in my gym is nauseating. They look at me and see big, older man – possibly something at which to aspire. I see them and think, Crap! Why didn’t I start earlier. Staying healthy is going to kill me.