Drinks: Desperately Seeking Susan

[The overdue conclusion to Dinner: The Birth of Squirrelly-J]
Still reeling from the gift of breakdance poetry, I flip through the book as Natasha and Farnsworth lead me into our favorite bar. Having recently discovered that this bar has a secret list of “off-the-menu” drinks, Farnsworth is on a mission to become an insider.
This week, it is some pomegranate martini that looks and tastes exactly like Robitussin. My mouth waters a bit, and not in the good way, as I take a sip from Farnsworth’s glass, but he seems to enjoy it. Natasha and I are feeling like scotch, so we order a Glen of some sort.
Three seats open up at the corner of the bar, and we quickly move in. As I stir my scotch, waiting for the ice to melt a bit, I can hear two men having a loud conversation behind Natasha.
“Who’s that woman – she was in that movie…? Thelma and Louise. Who’s that woman?”
His eyes were barely half open as he leaned into his friend at the bar.
“Uh, oh wait. I can totally picture her. Davis. Geena Davis.”
“No, no. The other one. That other woman in Thelma and Louise.”
“Uh… I can’t-“
He yells this loudly, but the bar is noisy so it doesn’t quite make a scene.
“SUSAN SARANDON! That’s who you look like! You. You look just like Susan Sarandon.”
I suddenly realize that he’s talking to me. He is pointing at me with his martini glass, its contents sloshing dangerously close to the rim.
I glance over at Natasha, who is holding back a laugh, then back to the man and say, “You’re very kind – thank you.”
“No really. You look just like her.”
“Maybe it’s the hair,” Natasha offers, clearly questioning any true resemblance.
“Didn’t anyone ever tell you that you look like Susan Sarandon?”
I suspect that this conversation could continue all night, so I agree with him. “Yes, someone once told me I looked like her.”
“Really?” Farnsworth asks, equally incredulous.
This isn’t a lie. I know that someone did tell me that, but can’t remember who it was. For a moment, I think it was Vivian, but then recall that she used to tell me I looked like Lesley Ann Warren, who we both agreed was the poor man’s Susan Sarandon. So I suppose this would make me the poor man’s Lesley Ann Warren.
The two men go back to their side of the bar and focus their attention on getting another round of chocolate martinis. This bar works in cycles, we always note. There will suddenly be a mad rush of customers, smiling people arriving in groups of four and five, and then just as quickly, we will look around to see open tables and available bar stools.
The tide flows, and suddenly Natasha is being shoved off her seat, unintentionally, by a crowd of noisy men who have just arrived. She leans in to whisper something to me.
“I don’t even have half a cheek on the stool anymore. I think both those guys are sitting on my seat!”
I laugh as I see her carefully trying to balance herself with one foot on the ground, the other one hooked under the stool so as not to entirely relinquish her claim on that seat. Suddenly, Natasha’s eyes widen and her back arches. The man behind her touches her shoulder and starts to say something.
“Oh, I’m so sorry! Are you arright?”
I see Nat grabbing a stack of cocktail napkins, and realize that this man has just spilled his drink down her back. Or more precisely, due to the way she was perched on the stool, down her ass. She takes it remarkably well, considering.
“Please just tell me that wasn’t a chocolate martini you dumped down my back.”
“Wha-? No, iss just a vahka gimlet. Iss all alcohol.”
“Nothing to worry about Nat, that’s really just an antiseptic,” I say reassuringly.
As she works to pat dry the bottom of her jacket and top of her jeans, the man walks over between us. I turn to Farnsworth who is sitting next to me, hoping he will come to our aid. He has now ordered a cherry martini that smells like Luden’s cough drops, and I note that the evening has taken on a distinctly medicinal theme.
It becomes apparent that I am on my own, as the man begins asking me random questions.
“D’you live in this neighborhood? My friends over there are always trying to get me to move up here. Do you own or rent?”
“Yeah, iss so fuggin’ esspensive.”
“No kidding.”
“’Specially if you’re single. Fuggin’ married tax credit.”
I nod my head yes, as though I have some idea what he is talking about. He rambles off a few more thoughts on married people, and then launches into a discussion about the Log Cabin Republicans. I can’t tell if he’s for or against, partly because I am singularly focused on preventing him from spilling the remainder of his drink on me.
As he sways back and forth, getting more and more passionate about rising property taxes, I have to steady his hand at least twice. In the end, I am unsuccessful, and grab another stack of napkins to sop up the spillage on my jeans.
“I think it’s time for you to switch to water,” I say, rolling my eyes at Natasha.
“Yeah, I’m really pretty drunk. I sh’go talk to my friends over there before they get pissed.”
I watch as he stumbles over to the other side of the bar, ping-ponging his way through the crowd, to join the movie buffs from earlier in the evening.
Nat, Farnsworth and I finish up our drinks, and then decide it’s time to head out, as this latest wave of bargoers doesn’t seem to be dissipating anytime soon. Just as we are leaving, I hear, “Susan Sarandon!”
I grab my jacket, look up and give an acknowledging nod to the man at the end of the bar. He lifts his glass to me and says, softer, “Susan Sarandon.”

24 Responses to “Drinks: Desperately Seeking Susan”

  1. elle Says:

    I have a sudeen craving to go to the medicine cabinet and pour whatever I find into a martini glass..odd.

  2. jenny Says:

    Don’t do it, elle. Just put down the Nyquil, and let’s talk, okay? That’s right… that’s it.

  3. peefer Says:

    Well… you’re both entertainers.

  4. Anonymous Says:

    Dear Jenny,
    And Rosanne’s dau what’s her name… Sarah Jessica Gilbert? You look like her, too!

  5. jenny Says:

    Peef: Mostly I just entertain myself, though. :)
    Viv: Now that was just plain mean. Well, maybe you look like when Macauley Culkin and Grace Kelly had a baby that one time. HA! How do you like that?!

  6. Turner Classic Movie fan Says:

    Here’s the actress you look like–right down to the black-and-whiteness!
    Celia Johnson:

  7. sandra Says:

    Susan Sarandon — good work!

  8. Tracy Lynn Says:

    I am totally feeling you as Sarandon right now. At least he didn’t spill anything that would stain.

  9. jenny Says:

    TCM Fan: Wow – what I wouldn’t give for those lips!
    Sandra: I know, huh? I wish I looked like Susan Sarandon! But more like Thelma and Louise Sarandon vs. Dead Man Walking Sarandon.
    Tracy Lynn: Hold on a minute… okay, I’m feeling me as Susan Sarandon right now, too. But why do I feel so much more squishy than her?

  10. Anonymous Says:

    Dear Jenny,
    I didn’t mean it in a bad way. Don’t we all like that crabby daughter? And youknow that unfortunately I look like… Hanson.

  11. shari Says:

    OK, I know this is the time where I’m supposed to leave a tidy little witticism, or pithy observation tangentially related to the story; but instead, I’m going to tell you the best ‘stranger compliment’ I ever received: Annette Benning.
    I’m sure you look way more like Susan than I do like Annette.

  12. Meena Says:

    I have been a big fan of your work for a long time now. I can proudly say that I am one of those who visits your blog every morning to read what you have to say.:o)
    I have just launched a monthly creative women’s e-zine and would like to invite you to write for it. You can talk about anything appealing to a Women audience. I do hope you like the idea!

  13. jenny Says:

    Viv: Yeah, but you look like the really cute and talented middle Hanson. :)
    Shari: There are no rules here, Shari. You can say anything. Except certain dirty words that make me uncomfortable. And how awesome to be compared to Annette Benning! She’s a looker, that one.
    Meena: Thanks so much for stopping by – and best of luck with your new e-zine!

  14. Jessica Says:

    Okay, Grace Kelly anything is never bad…and Hanson?! HAH!!!

  15. jenny Says:

    Jess: My point exactly – pop Macauley’s eyes onto Grace Kelly’s face, and there you have it. Knockout. Maybe his lips, too. And Hanson’s hair.

  16. Tim V Says:

    OK, Jen, check this out…I was told (once) that I looked like Tim Robbins. Sure, it was only one person, and it was several pounds ago, but perhaps, just maybe, we can dress all Hollywood and take advantage of local businesses…

    I won’t clog your blog with the full list of celebrities somebody has told me I looked like (perhaps I’ll clog my own) but I will leave you with one more- McGyver. Again, one person, who insisted on calling me Mc Gyver and not my real name. Thanks, pal.

  17. mike Says:

    Can I just say that because of this line,
    “Natasha and I are feeling like scotch, so we order a Glen of some sort. ”
    … you have just become the first inductee to my fantasy Scotch Drinking team?

  18. Bobby Says:

    ” . . . Dammit Janet, I love you
    The road was long but I ran it . . . ”

  19. jenny Says:

    Tim: Awesome! We can get all political at socially awkward moments, wear big sunglasses, and get seated at Charlie Trotter’s w/o reservations. It will be everything I’ve ever dreamed of!
    Mike: A fantasy drinking league! Maybe that’s everything I’ve ever dreamed of! Just let me know if I’m winning.
    Bobby: Oh Brad, I’m mad for you too.

  20. Tracy Lynn Says:

    I’m sure she’s squishy, too, just not as squishy as you. *loyally*

  21. Dustin Says:

    Wow. So much restraint. Ass-crack spillage in this city = fisticuffs.

  22. Dawn Kelly Says:

    I got this incredible sense of DeJaVu as I read this.
    It will haunt me for days now as I try to figure it out …
    Oh lord, I forsee a couple “awaken at 3 AM nights coming on”…

  23. Fiorello LaGuardia Says:

    Oh, I certainly agree with TCM fan. You do resemble Celia Johnson in “Brief Encounter.” It’s a great “weeper” movie. If you haven’t seen it, I think that you should rent it!

  24. 3rdtimesacharm( 3T ) Says:

    OK, this is really weird! I’ve been told I look like both of those ladies as well!!! Lesley Ann Warren and Susan Sarandon. Although one was by a drunk in a bar too, so I guess that doesn’t count. ;-)