Now that America’s Next Top Model is on hiatus, I have had to seek reality TV solace in Rockstar: Supernova. The premise is basically the same as every great reality TV show: three aging former rockstars (Tommy Lee from Motley Crue, Gilby Clarke from Guns ‘n Roses, and some other guy from Metallica) have formed a new band and are searching the globe for a talented lead singer to front the band. What started out for me as idle curiosity quickly turned into full blown devotion. Suddenly, I care about who gets kicked off each week, and find myself calling my friends during every commercial break to debrief.
Although I’ve been trying to keep my obsession somewhat under wraps, this afternoon over lunch, I decided to let down my guard and bare my soul to Natasha:
J: “So, I think I might have a major crush on Gilby Clarke.”
N: “Are you kidding? What’s with everyone? Dee-Dee said she thought he was cute, too!”
J: “That’s because he is! I would totally date him. But he’s married.”
N: “Yeah, and he’s like 55!”
J: “No he’s not – I looked it up online. He’s only 43.”
N: “Sick. Seriously, he looks like a magician. He looks like doves could come flying out of his coat at any minute.”
J: “No he does not! Take it back! He’s cute!”
N: “…or maybe he could saw you in half. Yeah – he looks like Doug Henning!”
J: “Shut up! No he does-”
N: “…totally looks like Doug Henning. Your boyfriend wears rainbow shirts and purple pants!”
J: “I think you’re thinking of Mork.”
N: “Or maybe it’s Gallagher I’m thinking of. Yeah, why don’t you just marry Gallagher and smash watermelons at your wedding?”
J: “Gallagher’s bald. And gross. He’s nothing like Gilby!”
N: “No wait! I know who he looks like – Son of Svengoolie! He just needs a top hat and some black makeup under his eyes and then-”
J: “Son of Svengoolie is like 100! Gilby wears tight leather pants! I’d like to see Son of Svengoolie squeeze his flabby body into Gilby’s leather pants!”
N: “Jenny Svengoolie – that has a nice ring to it. Yeah, you should totally marry him.”
J: “Shut up – Gilby is way cuter. And FYI – Doug Henning is dead! He died like 10 years ago, so way to be harsh.”
N: “Is he? Or did he fake his death to pursue a career with Guns ‘n Roses? Have you ever seen them together?”
J: “Ohmigod, Nat! Remind me to never open up my heart to you like this again. Geez. I guess that means I shouldn’t mention the fact that I also think Dave Navarro is totally hot…”
N: “What the hell has happened to you, Jenny?! Gross! Dave Navarro is 5’1”and slimy – he’s shorter than Prince!”
J: “See – this is why I don’t ever talk to you about people I want to date. You’re so completely unsupportive.”
N: “So, you’re saying that if I were more supportive, you would be dating Dave Navarro right now?”
J: “Or Gilby Clarke.”

21 Responses to “Supernova”

  1. jg Says:

    Dave Navarro _is_ hot, even if he’s short (but he’s not THAT short).

  2. Dave2 Says:

    You are not watching Project Runway?!? Criminal! It’s about the only reality TV (along with Top Chef) which doesn’t cause me to bash my head against the wall.

  3. mike Says:

    I gotta say, that shot of Svengoolie looks a little like Jack White
    “Jenny Svengoolie-White”

  4. Jessica Says:

    Dave and Gilby are both cute and hey, I always thought Prince was, too – short or not….some men can pull that off.
    I have to admit, though, I do NOT consider him from “Guns n’ Roses” – yeah, yeah, he had a three year stint with them or something but he is not a true, original GNR member.
    Besides, I think he looks like……Yanni. You know, if Yanni were a rocker.

  5. Kevin Says:

    There are times when he reminds me of a scraggly Drew Lachey.
    I’m really shocked how many people remember Gilby but not Jason Newsted from Metallica. When I saw the lineup for Supernova, I was certain Gilby would be the forgotten one. Everyone’s proving me wrong, though. Weird.

  6. Carrington Vanston Says:

    Actually, “Jenny Svengoolie” is a pretty cool sounding name.

    I’m not advocating an actual knot-tying. However, next time someone mistakes you for a staff member in some store you’re just shopping in, and you pretend to really BE a staff member (oh, you KNOW you do that), like maybe an aisle manager or something, or Assistant Manager in Charge of Customer Care but only for customers whose names start with A through F, (“Certainly, I’d be happy to help you, Mr. Gentry–oh, wait, sorry, no, you’re a G, you’ll need to talk to Dee Dee McRoomba, she’s Customer Care for G through K except H because we don’t help Hs, and she’s only here on alternate Tuesdays”), then I think you should use Jenny Svengoolie as your nom de plume.*

    In fact, you should have a name tag printed up and keep it in your purse for just such occasions.

    I would do that, too, but you probably won’t let me keep things in your purse. You’re mean like that.

    *Nom de plume is French for “the name of your plum,” because in WWII members of the French underground (or “metro”) often disguised themselves as vegetables.

  7. Tobi Says:

    I never gave Gilby a second thought, until I saw him play..yeah, he’s sexy alright….and it’s just damn cool that he’s getting more attention than Tommy Lee

  8. heather anne Says:

    It is amazing what we are forced to do when ANTM is on hiatus. Bring back the bitchy skinny girls! Bring them back quick! (In the meantime, try Janice Dickenson: Modeling Agency. That’s how I get my fix.)

  9. kris dresen Says:

    Even I have a crush on Gilby. Now THAT’S sayin’ somethin’….

  10. Tracy Lynn Says:

    I think it’s sad that I have no idea who Gilby is. I can’t watch the Supernova show because of my allergy to Tommy Lee. I break out in hives whenever I come within the sound of his voice.

  11. jenny Says:

    jg: See – that’s what I said! I think he’s maybe at least 5’7″.
    dave2: I think that’s on cable, isn’t it? Otherwise I’d be all over it!
    Mike: Y’know what? He really kind of does!
    Jess: OMG! Not Yanni!! My crush is now ruined!
    Kevin: Well, if we’re being honest here, I had absolutely no idea who Gilby or Jason were before this show started. I suspect that neither did most of the contestants, but they’re all like, “OMG! I’ve dreamed of performing with Gilby Clarke all my life…”
    Carrington: You can keep fraudulent name tags in my purse anytime you want. As long as you’ll hold my purse for me while I run to the bathroom in the mall.
    Tobi: I know – he really is the star! Tommy Lee is just for shock value.
    Heather Anne: I need to get on the Janice Dickenson schedule, because they have cable at my gym and I saw it there once or twice. LOVE, LOVE her to death. I would totally snort coke with her.
    kris: Whoa! Such is the power of Gilby and his leather pants… :)

  12. Anonymous Says:

    Dear Jenny,
    I can’t believe you didn’t mention the hotness that is Tommy Lee.

  13. ms. sizzle Says:

    the bright side of having friends who have completely different taste in men than you? you’ll never compete for the same guy.

  14. Ariana Says:

    Oh my gosh! I hadn’t thought of Svengoolie for 20 years! I’ve never watched these reality shows of which you speak. Clearly, I need to watch more television.

  15. Bobby Says:

    So there aren’t any girl rockers on that show? Gees.

  16. jenny Says:

    Viv: I know… I was trying to retain an ounce of street cred. But the reality is, I find his skinny tattooed body oddly appealing.
    Sizzle: I guess you’re right – I mean, who wants to have to compete with all her friends for Dave Navarro’s affections? Not me!
    Ariana: Yes, you do. And you do know that Son of Svengoolie is back on TV, don’t you?
    Bobby: Oh, but there are! Half the contestants are women, and I think a woman might win! I mean, there’s Dilana who is sooo awesome she should totally win, and then Storm Large who has a really good voice but sometimes does this crazy thing with her eyes, and then there’s this insane woman Zayra who wears slutty clothes and sings kind of like a poor man’s Bjork but she’s so crazy people keep voting her in and then there’s… oh. I’ve said too much, haven’t I?

  17. shari Says:

    Sorry. Definitely Yanni-esque. And for the record, even the name “Yanni” is slightly sexier than the name “Gilby”.
    Is too.

  18. Christie Says:

    I had to wait to read this post in case you included a spoiler as I hadn’t watched Wednesday’s episode yet. Dilana is sooo amazing. Rockstar was one of my favorite shows last season,too. Welcome

  19. Dustin Says:

    How dare you refer to Jason Newsted as “…some other guy from Metallica.” Once you’re in Metallica you can never just be “some other guy.”
    I think this dis on Jason is going to loose you scores of readers since last time I checked like 3/4 of your fans were also die hard Metallica groupies. You clearly don’t know your audience. =)

  20. Bobby Says:

    So there are girl contestants but there is no girl moderator/judge/Simon?

  21. Erik Says:

    This show is just a bundle of hotness. I definitely agree with you on the Gilby front. And I think Jason is hot too (even more so after his haircut). And Tommy…yeah, that wiry skinny tattooed body is kinda…well, yeah, okay: oddly gorgeous.
    Have you been reading Dave Navarro’s blog?
    What do you think about Toby? I so totally don’t think he’s going to win, and I don’t think he should (because Dilana should win), but I got a crush on Toby while watching him sing Burning Down the House (while wearing that suit!) and then my crush was cemented when he ran around the swimming pool (while not wearing a suit!).