Secrets and Leis

My friends Natasha and Farnsworth went to Hawaii for ten days, and all I got was…
… the most incredibly awesome good-luck happy tiki in the entire world!
Natasha, Dee-Dee and I had dinner last week to hear all about Nat’s Polynesian Adventure, and somewhere between the third and seventh time I asked her if she tried poi (apparently no one really eats it), she pulled out gifts for both of us.
I squealed with excitement and snatched my tiki out of her hand. As Nat continued her stories of lava rocks and lei greetings, I examined my gift, admiring the craftsmanship – the detailed grimace, the hands clenched as though to threaten those who might do me harm, and of course, his rockin’ ass.
Tiki 'tocks
“Ohmigod! Look – it has a butt! You got me a dirty naked tiki!”
I rubbed the bulbous buttocks with my thumb while giggling with delight. Nat and Dee-Dee looked around the restaurant to see if anyone had heard me.
“Okay, Jenny. Stop that.”
“Stop what? This?”
I then began gently petting the tiki butt with my index finger.
“Stop it! Stop petting his butt!”
“Okay, fine. I won’t pet his butt with my index finger anymore.”
I grinned while massaging the tiki’s posterior in a circular motion with my first two fingers.
The silent treatment.
“All right, all right. Sheesh – and you say I’m a prude! Well, I absolutely love my gift, Nat – thanks! This will get plenty of use.”
“You do realize that it’s a bottle opener, right?”
“Huh? Oh. Bottle opener… yeah. Cool!”
Tiki opener

15 Responses to “Secrets and Leis”

  1. Caitlinator Says:

    Awesome. There’s nothing like a good tiki with a great butt.

  2. shari Says:

    Oh, who is Caitlin kidding? There’s nothing like a great butt, tiki or otherwise. And now, you can honestly brag about being able to open a beer bottle with your rockin’ ass. It’s a great party trick, I’m just sayin.

  3. nina Says:

    Why isn’t the front as rub-worthy as the back?

  4. sandra Says:

    Rock-hard ass. Good work.

  5. Hap Says:

    You should see the corkscrew they almost bought.

  6. jenny Says:

    Caitlin: Ain’t it the truth?
    Shari: Good point – and to think that people used to be impressed when I’d open a beer bottle with my teeth!
    Nina: It’s hard to tell from the photo, but trust me – your hand just naturally gravitates toward the tiki butt. It’s like one of those worry stones.
    Sandra: Yeah, he’s obviously been working out.
    Hap: Heyooo!

  7. heather anne Says:

    A good-luck ass AND a bottle opener in one? Hot damn.

  8. peefer Says:

    If rubbing a brass lamp makes a genie appear in a waft of magical smoke, then rubbing a tiki butt? I afraid to imagine.

  9. margaret Says:

    not only is it rock hard and bulbous, it appears to be shiny!

  10. steph_s Says:

    Oh no! Haven’t you all learned ANYTHING from The Brady Bunch?!

  11. viscountess of funk Says:

    I think I dated that guy for awhile.

  12. ms. sizzle Says:

    it will bring you good luck in the form of beer. sweeeeet!

  13. egan Says:

    Who doesn’t love a tiki doll to open their brewskis? Have you named yours yet? You’re so naughty Jen.

  14. Dustin Says:

    Forget the ass, check out those chompers. Thing needs a tooth brush, stat!

  15. teahouseblossom Says:

    That’s awesome!! I love practical presents. This is the gift that keeps on giving…