Life Lessons

Things you should not attempt after having your teeth drilled for 4.5 hours, and returning home with your face half paralyzed from Novocain:
1. Talking
2. Smiling
3. Thinking
4. Laughing
5. Flirting
6. Drinking
7. Proselytizing
8. But most of all, you must never – EVER – try eating Mrs. Grass Chicken Noodle Soup with Double Noodles because a) the half of your mouth that is numb will not be able to tell that the soup is 1,000 degrees until permanent damage has been done and b) the half of your mouth that is numb will not be able to form its half of your lips and tongue in the shape necessary to actually swallow said scalding soup, thereby causing it to burn your entire face as it gushes down your chin.
Things you should attempt after having your teeth drilled for 4.5 hours, and returning home with your face half paralyzed from Novocain:
1. Reading Us Weekly and People
2. Watching plastic surgery gone bad on Maury Povich
3. Snorting Tylenol with codeine

Rejected Halloween Costume Ideas

J: I can totally see it working – I could have little fake kids biting my ankles! And I’ll pull my hair in a bun and wear that purple outfit of hers. But what if people think I’m the Church Lady?
N: Yeah, plus I’m not sure you want to wear a wool skirt suit all night long.
Millennium Park
N: How exactly are you going to pull that off?
J: Well, I’ll wear all black, put a giant silver bean on my head, and maybe have the Crown Fountains on each arm. Could I rig them up so they spit out real water?
N: Yeah, start working on that. I’ll pick you up in 2010 when it’s ready.
Little Bo Peep
J: But I would be like, a marshmallow Peep, wearing a tiny bow tie…
N: Ooh – and you could carry that cane thing – the staff!
J: Totally! Any costume where I get to use a cane instantly jumps to the top of the priority list!
N: But are you going to have to spend the whole night explaining why you’re a giant rabbit with a bowtie and a shepherd’s staff?
J: Probably. Okay, cross that one off.
Other Rejected Cane Ideas
J: Charlie Chaplin…
N: A pimp. Didn’t you almost get a pimp cane once?
J: Don’t remind me. Biggest regret of my life.
N: What about that circus guy? You know, that guy who’s like the master of the ring…
J: You mean the ringmaster?
N: Oh, yeah. Him. Or how about a marching band guy?
J: It would be cool to get to wear a jacket with tails. But none of these mean anything to me.
N: Except the pimp cane.
J: Right. That means everything to me.
Rejected Eyepatch Ideas
J: How about a costume where I can wear an eyepatch? There’s always pirate.
N: And Patch from Days of Our Lives.
J: I guess that’s about it, isn’t it?
N: Or a blind person. But that’s really not funny.
J: No. That’s just not cool.
Gumball Machine
J: I wear all black, then have this giant plastic bubble… wait. There’s no way I can do build that.
N: Again, not until 2010.
J: What if I just wore all black, asked people to give me money and then handed them a sweaty gumball from my pocket?
N: That could work.
Toy Crane Thing from Chuck E. Cheese
N: How about this – what about one of those machines where you use the crane arm to pick up a stuffed animal?
J: Cool! But my arm would be the crane arm…
N: And just as they were about to win the stuffed animal, it would slip from your grasp like they always do.
J: Yeah, but that’s a lot of work. And I could easily blow $100 just buying stupid stuffed animals to fill it.
N: No – you just go to the Salvation Army and get them for like a dime each.
J: Because I’m sure my friends will really appreciate getting a urine-soaked Paddington Bear from the Goodwill. Nice one, Nat.
Suri Cruise
J: What’s something topical?
N: I don’t know… Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes?
J: Ohmigod – I’m totally going to be Suri Cruise!
N: And how exactly are you going to do that?
J: I’ll just get a gigantic poster board size picture of their Vanity Fair cover, cut out Suri’s head, and stick my head through it.
N: So you’ll be walking around all night with a six foot cardboard cutout attached to your head?
J: Scratch that one.
Other Costumes That Involve Me Wearing All Black
J: What about a skull and crossbones? I could wear all black, paint my face like a skull and have two bones for a tie?
J: Or maybe a constellation? I could wear all black, and glue stars all over my body.
J: How about the Chicago skyline? I could wear all black, then make a hat that looks like the Sears Tower.
J: Maybe I could be a Blo-Pop! I could wear all black, then put a giant wrapper on my head. Oh wait – I should probably wear white for the stick, right?
The Buzzkill
N: Let’s dress up like Smurfs!
J: Did you really just suggest that?
N: What? Is that bad?
J: We’ve reached a new low.
N: So you’re saying that Halloween has officially jumped the shark?
J: Afraid so.

Secrets and Leis

My friends Natasha and Farnsworth went to Hawaii for ten days, and all I got was…
… the most incredibly awesome good-luck happy tiki in the entire world!
Natasha, Dee-Dee and I had dinner last week to hear all about Nat’s Polynesian Adventure, and somewhere between the third and seventh time I asked her if she tried poi (apparently no one really eats it), she pulled out gifts for both of us.
I squealed with excitement and snatched my tiki out of her hand. As Nat continued her stories of lava rocks and lei greetings, I examined my gift, admiring the craftsmanship – the detailed grimace, the hands clenched as though to threaten those who might do me harm, and of course, his rockin’ ass.
Tiki 'tocks
“Ohmigod! Look – it has a butt! You got me a dirty naked tiki!”
I rubbed the bulbous buttocks with my thumb while giggling with delight. Nat and Dee-Dee looked around the restaurant to see if anyone had heard me.
“Okay, Jenny. Stop that.”
“Stop what? This?”
I then began gently petting the tiki butt with my index finger.
“Stop it! Stop petting his butt!”
“Okay, fine. I won’t pet his butt with my index finger anymore.”
I grinned while massaging the tiki’s posterior in a circular motion with my first two fingers.
The silent treatment.
“All right, all right. Sheesh – and you say I’m a prude! Well, I absolutely love my gift, Nat – thanks! This will get plenty of use.”
“You do realize that it’s a bottle opener, right?”
“Huh? Oh. Bottle opener… yeah. Cool!”
Tiki opener