Papa Can You Hear Me?
It started out like any other Saturday night – drinking scotch, listening to my Cool Yule CD, working on a sad clown paint-by-number, and watching Yentl – when something made me stop in my tracks. I think it might have been the scene where Amy Irving and her family are clucking around Yentl/Anshel with the, “Are you cold? Let me put another log on the fire,” and “More potatoes, Anshel?” and “Would you like milk or lemon with your tea, Anshel? Another almond cookie?” I mean, clearly no one could actually believe for even one minute that Barbra Streisand is a man, but there she is, getting fitted for her wedding tuxedo and being fawned over by Mandy Patinkin’s ex-fiancée.
I began thinking about my three other favorite movies – Tootsie, Just One of the Guys, and Victor/Victoria – and suddenly it hit me. It’s what Hollywood has been trying to tell me all along: my life would be so much better if I pretended to be a man. Just think about it – I would get to build deep meaningful friendships with men, people would listen to my opinions, women would fall all over themselves to cook for me, my career would take off, and finally I would get to experience the thrill of ripping off my shirt in the breast-baring big reveal that always seems necessary to convince people that Yentl and I are actually women.
And there’s never really even that much of a downside to leading a double life. Let’s review:
Tootsie: man pretends to be a woman, becomes America’s unlikely sweetheart and makes mad cash on major soap opera. Forms lasting friendship with Jessica Lange.
Victor/Victoria: woman pretends to be a man pretending to be a woman, becomes France’s unlikely sweetheart and makes mad cash on Parisian stage. Forms lasting romance with James Garner.
Just One of the Guys: woman pretends to be a man, becomes rival high school’s unlikely big man on campus and gets sweet job at the newspaper. Forms lasting romance with geek turned stud.
Yentl: woman pretends to be a man, becomes Poland’s unlikely star yeshiva student and scores the hottest woman in the village. Forms lasting friendship with Mandy Patinkin.
I mean, sure, there is always that painful moment of betrayal where everyone who trusted me realizes they were being deceived, but if the Hollywood model holds true – which it always does – the resentment rarely lasts. All I need to do is tell people that I only did this because a) I needed the money and this was the only way I could get the job or b) I was forbidden to read the Talmud and this was the only way I could study or c) I wrote a great article that didn’t get published and this was the only way I could prove my writing chops or d) I was running out of topics for my blog and this was the only way I could keep posting. Eventually, they will all come around and forgive me.
And even if they don’t, by then I will have made so much mad cash that I can just find a whole new bunch of friends. Friends who understand that sometimes you have to lie to people to get what you want or to prove an important point.
I don’t know. It’s not like I’m gonna do this right away – in order for this to work, I have to find a new job, transfer to a new school, or get accepted into a new yeshiva. But the next time I’m in a position to do any of those things, I’m for sure going to do it as a man.
Filed under: General on December 18th, 2006
December 17th, 2006 at 9:09 pm
Or there’s always next Halloween…
December 17th, 2006 at 9:40 pm
So, will it be “Jimmy” or “Jerry”?? I just want to kind of get used to your new name now, so I don’t blow your cover once you make the move.
December 17th, 2006 at 10:27 pm
Dave: OMG – I’m totally going to be Yentl next Halloween! Sweet!
shari: Definitely neither of those. What about Jackson? Or Alex? Maybe Guy?
December 18th, 2006 at 12:32 am
i can see it now, we’re all in portland for tequilacon ’07 awaiting your arrival and along comes… jenny’s brother?
sizz
December 18th, 2006 at 9:59 am
Sizzle: No, that won’t work. If I pretend to be someone else, then I’d have to pretend that I didn’t know any of the bloggers there, and that’s just no fun. Maybe I’ll go to BlogHer as a man…
December 18th, 2006 at 10:36 am
No Bosom Buddies? No Bosom Brownies?
December 18th, 2006 at 10:43 am
Do you learn nothing from Mrs. Doubtfire?
December 18th, 2006 at 11:38 am
Seamus: You’re so right! Okay – so it’s also acceptable to deceive people if I need affordable housing and the only way I can get it is to dress in drag.
DuBonet: Best. Codename. Ever. (ps – I’ve never seen Mrs. Doubtfire, but I think the plot is that it’s acceptable to deceive people if I need to spend time with my kids and my ex-wife won’t let me.)
December 18th, 2006 at 2:58 pm
First of all, I’m all for runjimrun.com. Secondly, I now wish I’d listened to you (but you’re a girl and uhh…so am I) and tried to make you some latkes and matzo ball soup (or something) as I was falling all over myself.
Damn. I should have hit on you earlier.
December 18th, 2006 at 4:03 pm
Mocha: How about runbenrun.com? I’ve always liked the name Benjamin. And if you’re offering homemade matzo ball soup, trust me – it’s never too late to hit on me…
December 18th, 2006 at 4:14 pm
No one would ever believe that someone as “all woman” as you could pass as a man. And believe me, most men are boring.
December 18th, 2006 at 5:31 pm
Neil: Ah, you’re kind, and nothing like my great uncle who always called me “son” even when I was wearing a dress. But I think you might also be trying to trick me so that I don’t learn all your male secrets. Like what you talk about when you’re standing next to each other at the urinals. I MUST KNOW YOUR SECRETS!
December 18th, 2006 at 5:49 pm
I hope you saw “Just One of the Guys”.
Also, this (“It started out like any other Saturday night – drinking scotch, listening to my Cool Yule CD, working on a sad clown paint-by-number, and watching Yentl”) caused me to spit water on myself.
December 18th, 2006 at 5:50 pm
(also, that wasn’t meant to be anonymous!)
December 18th, 2006 at 5:51 pm
Okay, last one — you mentioned “Just One of the Guys”
Apparently I can’t read.
December 18th, 2006 at 6:28 pm
Steer clear of the “Boys don’t cry” crowd, stick with the classics:”Twelfth Night” and “As You Like It,” and you should be fine (even married by the end of it).
December 18th, 2006 at 6:54 pm
BBC adaptation of Sarah Waters’ Tipping the Velvet: Woman pretends to be a man, leaves her job as an oyster shucker, becomes a London stage star, gets lots of chicks. Forms lasting romance with the hottest of the chicks.
December 18th, 2006 at 8:13 pm
Sandronymous: Does the fact that this truly was my Saturday night make it more or less funny?
claire: Ugh. Agreed. If Hollywood has taught us anything, it’s that cross-dressing is only tolerated if it’s for financial or personal gain. If it has anything to do with gender identity, watch your back.
Cheryl: Seen it! As I said, I’m a cross-dressing film aficionado. But… didn’t she also turn tricks with sailors? I might have to skip that part when I try my own social experiment.
December 19th, 2006 at 12:00 am
This just threw me:
if I pretended to be a man. Just think about it – I would get to build deep meaningful friendships with men
If you believe this, you wouldn’t last five minutes.
December 19th, 2006 at 12:04 am
Like what you talk about when you’re standing next to each other at the urinals. I MUST KNOW YOUR SECRETS!
Always the same lame joke about needing the one for short people. You know, cause it’s closer to the ground. Um, cause it gives more room? *sigh* See, a dude would get that.
Did I give something away? I just heard a car door slam outside. Oh shit
December 19th, 2006 at 7:41 am
Don: What are you talking about? In Yentl she totally bonds with Mandy Patinkin – they go swimming naked and have tickle fights and talk about god. Isn’t that what you guys do?
December 19th, 2006 at 8:11 am
Wow, if you were a guy I’d totally go gay to be with you. I loved Victor/Victoria and Tootsie, too.
December 19th, 2006 at 8:11 pm
Karl: But… what about Just One of the Guys? No love for that classic movie?
December 20th, 2006 at 6:44 am
I’m pretty sure you can still have a shirt-ripping, breast-baring moment without pretending to be a man. It happens all the time in New York.
December 25th, 2006 at 6:06 pm
Jenny, Best wishes for you and your family.