Letter of Resignation

Dear Internets,
As hard as it to give you my notice, I’m afraid I just can’t do this anymore. This little experiment of ours has ceased to be enjoyable for me. I began this journey for a lot of different personal reasons, but more than anything, because I wanted to challenge myself. And what a challenge this has been, but now it’s time for me to throw in the towel and just say, “I quit.”

I guess what hurts me the most is that I really believed I could do it. “What’s one little gallon of milk,” I thought to myself. My friend Dee-Dee could polish that off in two days. I tried humming the “milk it does, milk it does a body good” jingle while I forced down glass after glass, but you try humming and drinking at the same time. I’m not a frickin’ ventriloquist.
Ovaltine started to taste chalky. Cereal began to lose its appeal. Even eating cookies became a chore, because I knew what would follow. And I don’t know if it’s the bovine growth hormone or calcium overdose, but for the past five days, I just haven’t felt like myself. I’m bloated and lethargic and unusually forgetful. I was trotting across the street yesterday and suddenly almost doubled over from a cramp in my side. I had to walk the rest of the way to the train station squeezing my ribs and taking shallow breaths. The Milk Council never told us about any of that, did they?
I know that this must come as a huge disappointment to some, especially those of you who stuck by me, encouraging me all this time. But really – what part of, “I had to chase that last glass of milk with a beer” do you not understand?
Now I’m left with half a gallon of milk, and absolutely no desire to ever drink it again. So based on a comment from Suebob, I decided to do some research on making cheese. Paneer, to be exact. Turns out, all I need is milk, lemon juice, cheesecloth, and a few hours. Who knew regular people could make cheese? I had no idea. If this turns out all right, I might start giving gifts of cheese for all the major holidays.
I suspect that skim milk is not going to make the most appealing cheese, but it can’t be any worse than just plain skim milk. Please don’t try to talk me out of this. Once I set my mind to something, nothing can stop me from accomplishing my goal. Unless that goal is to drink a gallon of milk before it spoils, in which case I will concede after five days.
Please wish me luck on this, my latest journey into self-discovery. I promise not to let you down this time.
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22 Responses to “Letter of Resignation”

  1. mainja Says:

    if i were there i’d take it off your hands. i love milk. always have. mmmmmm. milk. now i’m craving milk, but we’re out. damn!

  2. srah Says:

    I’m not a big milk fan, but skim is especially gross. Do you think trying a higher-fat milk might help?
    I also find that it’s easier for me to drink milk out of certain kinds and shapes of containers. That might be worth trying. Get a nice tall, narrow glass so you can’t smell it while you’re drinking and it goes down a lot better!

  3. sizzle Says:

    milk is for losers! that’s why they have calcium pills, jenny. :)

  4. jenny Says:

    mainja: it’s on its way to canada… air mail!
    srah: i think i’ve come to the realization that if i need to come up with creative ways to gag it down, i probably shouldn’t be drinking milk in the first place.
    sizzle: now you tell me? first it’s the sun chips, now it’s milk… look, sizz. if you’re going to be my sidekick, we need to get in synch here!

  5. churlita Says:

    Whew! At first I thought you were giving up the blog, and I would have to go looking for my fix somewhere else. I’m a creature of habit, so that would be a HUGE problem for me. But milk? Yeah, whatever. Get off the white stuff, for sure.

  6. asia Says:

    Milk gives me the creeps. I wouldnt even drink milk from someone of my own species if they were lactating… not anymore. And higher fat content just makes milk thicker and more mucusy. Eww.
    Anyway, last night I had a dream that something terrible had happened to you and I was so relieved this morning when I woke up and saw your comment about Edison and then it all came back to me and I was like WHEW, IT WAS JUST A DREAM.

  7. kapgar Says:

    Oh god. Here I thought you were quitting blogging. Jeez… or “cheese” as the case may be.

  8. kat Says:

    oh! i’ve made fresh ricotta before; it’s awesome!

  9. Rhea Says:

    I understand, and don’t blame you at all for not finishing the gallon. It’s hard. Just imagine you are Japanese and lactose-intolerant, if that makes you feel any better.

  10. jenny Says:

    churlita: i totally would not want to disrupt your routine, so no worries!
    asia: exactly – if i have to drink milk, skim is the only kind i can get down. and i’m so glad it was just a dream…
    kapgar: cheese louise! i’m not quitting! ;)
    kat: why does that not surprise me at all? little miss “i’m going to embroider my own pillowcases with pirates and bluebirds.” so jealous of your talent!
    rhea: i often pretend that i am japanese and lactose intolerant. but usually only in the chat rooms.

  11. Fiorello La Guardia Says:

    Well, it was genetically inevitable. There are no cows in Sicily. You were doomed from the start.

  12. Dave2 Says:

    Add your milk to ice cream and make milkshakes! Best way to drink milk ever.

  13. dan Says:

    no no no, refill the container with more delicious milk so you can enjoy a refreshing gallon challenge!
    It’s nothing but fun! And cramping and emesis! (speaking for myself, I’m a rice milk guy. I can drink that all day long, but cowjuice just don’t float the boat anymore….)

  14. Roy Says:

    Dear Jenny,
    I am so excited about this next phase in your life, this cheese making phase, and pleased to hear you are going to give out cheese to everyone for all the major holidays. Unfortunately, I am Sicilian and lactose intolerant and therefore will not be able to accept any gifts of homemade cheese–no matter how good it may be!–now, or ever.

  15. jenny Says:

    fiorello: wait… is that true? should i have been drinking goat’s milk maybe?
    dave2: now that’s the kind of milk challenge i’d like to take!
    dan: that gallon challenge is quite possibly the most disgusting thing i’ve ever heard of! especially when it talks about how milk curdles in the stomach… akk!
    roy: not even my world-famous paneer? well… let me see how this latest experiment goes. maybe i’ll use the profits from my cheese-making business to buy you some tofu.

  16. Fiorello La Guardia Says:

    Goat’s milk won’t do it for you. Has to be sheep’s milk. Then if you still can’t drink it, you can make the REAL ricotta. Can I put my order in for a dozen cannoli? (And none of that low-fat stuff, if there is such a thing as low-fat sheep’s milk) Please don’t forget the chopped pistachios on the ends, ok?

  17. RW Says:

    Yeah I don’t blame you, it just makes me fart like crazy. Er… I mean…

  18. Wiggy Says:

    “I just haven’t felt like myself. I’m bloated and lethargic and unusually forgetful… I had to walk the rest of the way to the train station squeezing my ribs and taking shallow breaths.”
    That’s me!
    COOL. All this time I’ve been blaming my age; milk is probably responsible for all of the loss of “collagen” in my skin, too(!)
    (Actually, I’d truly suspect lactose intolerance – remember Meg Ryan in the movie “French Kiss”?)

  19. shari Says:

    OK, while you and Kat are off making cheese, and RW is over there cutting the cheese, I’ll just be here laughing my ass off at the beer chaser and the blue lines on the carton.

  20. Tracy Lynn Says:

    Dude, I only have milk on my cereal, and if I wanted milk colored water, I’d drink skim, but I do 2%. On my cereal.ONLY.
    Except for the occasional chocolate milk, which is mainly to keep my immaturity levels up.

  21. jenny Says:

    fiorello: omg – fresh cannoli? quick! where can i find a sheep?
    RW: i’m glad we’re close enough that we can share personal things, but…
    wiggy: hey! i have that collagen problem, too! do you think milk is also responsible for sucking the pigment out of my hair?
    shari: yay! baby girl’s back! maybe you know this – isn’t there some drink made with scotch and milk?
    tracy lynn: dude. you should try ovaltine. it’s the best thing ever – chocolate milk that’s GOOD for you!

  22. Jessica Says:

    I come from a family of milk drinkers – we’re just born into it. Although I drink skim for the lower calories, I can drink anything….2%, whole, etc. My absolute favorite is from a donut shop in my hometown that offers icy cold, thick milk right out of a FOUNTAIN. I order the donuts just to get to this special treat.
    I want you to know, Jenny, that I’m proud of you for trying – truly. I would have never pegged you for a quitter but it’s totally okay. I absolutely do not think any less of you ;)
    P.S. – Get thee to a healthfood store and pick up some calcium supplements.

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