Spring Cleaning
Spring 2007, Chicago, Illinois. An email arrives from my mother.
Jenny –
I’m on a spring cleaning rampage – do you want that black sweater with the hood back? Otherwise I’ll give it to the Goodwill.
What about your prom dress, bridesmaids dresses, shoes, etc? Your cap and gown?
Do you want that Easter Bunny head back?
Let me know.
XO
MOM
*******************************************************
Mom –You cannot be serious. How can you even ask me that? Do I want that Easter Bunny head back?
How long have you known me? Were you actually considering throwing it out like yesterday’s trash? OF COURSE I WANT THAT EASTER BUNNY HEAD BACK!
Okay? Cool. I’ll pick it up next time I’m in town. Have fun with the spring cleaning!
– Jenny
XOXOPS – I never went to prom. That was my 8th grade formal dress, but it’s never too late to rub some salt on an old wound, so thanks.
Spring 1996, Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Local costume shop has its annual clearance sale. Racks upon racks of pit-stained Superman costumes, frayed fairy dresses, and balding princess wigs cover every square inch of the store. The odor is reminiscent of an estate sale basement.
Dee-Dee and Vivian are elbowing their way through the Renaissance section when I see it – the mother lode of all mother lodes – an enormous dumpster overflowing with Easter Bunny heads. Taped to the side is a bright yellow hand-written sign that said, “Rabbit heads. $5 each.”
“Dee! Viv! I’m over here! Rabbit heads are $5!”
They set down their pointy cone hats and breastplates to join me as I struggle to crawl into the bin. There are no rabbit bodies, only heads. All shapes and sizes of heads. Some are dirt-stained furry ones, others are the hard plastic kind that make you inhale your own hot breath until the inside drips, but the ones we choose are glorious. Ours are all slightly irregular, handmade, papier-maché and tempera paint over chicken wire rabbit heads.
We have no idea what we are going to do with them, but we know without question that we need them.
As we sort through the bin, we quickly discover that these rabbits have seen better days. Some are missing an ear. Many have dented eyes. Most have teeth that look more like fangs than big square rabbit incisors. We find what we believe to be the best of the lot, pay our $5, and each walk out with a giant rabbit head tucked underneath our arms.
Spring 1998, Allentown, Pennsylvania. My sister-in-law gives birth to my first nephew. The nose on my rabbit head glows bright pink. “Patience, little one. Patience,” I say. I would have to wait another few years before I could fulfill my destiny, but I knew it was only a matter of time.
Spring 2001, Bristol, Wisconsin. The Easter Bunny makes his first public appearance. My youngest nephew, then only 1, is alternately terrified and thrilled. He reaches out to touch the giant rabbit ears, white paint cracked and chipped with age. He squeals. I, too, am alternately terrified and thrilled.
Spring 2003, Bristol, Wisconsin. My father crafts wooden muskets for my nephews so they can shoot the deer that keep eating grandma’s plants. Instead, they hunt the Easter Bunny. This will be the last year the Easter Bunny makes an appearance, mainly because my older nephew now understands that the real Easter Bunny does not wear a grey sweat suit and the same Reeboks his aunt was wearing earlier. Also, the real Easter Bunny’s head does not accidentally rotate a full 180˚ while he is hiding eggs. We all squeal.
Spring 2007, Bristol, Wisconsin. Toss out the emerald green bridesmaid dress and the dyed-to-match shoes. Set fire to the black hooded sweater. Use my cap and gown to polish shoes for all I care. But that giant Easter Bunny head is my heart, and it’s time for him to come home.
Filed under: Sometimes Rabbit on April 24th, 2007
April 24th, 2007 at 1:21 am
How cute are they??
And that’s a slightly terrifying head…..
April 24th, 2007 at 7:09 am
Terrifying. The bunnyhead, not the children.
April 24th, 2007 at 7:20 am
Sick and wrong, Jen. Well done!
April 24th, 2007 at 8:06 am
i sooo need to get me one of those bunny heads.
you are the coolest.
April 24th, 2007 at 8:06 am
adena: they just keep getting cuter, too. but isn’t that the creepiest bunny head ever?
kapgar: ha! i love how my older nephew is like, “get off of me, you lunatic!”
tracy lynn: i hoped you’d be proud.
sizzle: i think you’d better wait until finn is older. they’re better able to cope with the night terrors that way.
April 24th, 2007 at 9:14 am
That bunny head is going to give me nightmares, its so very creepy. But $5 is a steal – good find!
April 24th, 2007 at 12:26 pm
Kinda disturbing. But in a good way… And though they may have outgrown it, you never know when a bunny head will come in handy. We cool aunts rock!
Freakishly I had almost the same chat with my mom this wkend, yet she tried to convince me that I needed to KEEP my 8th grade dinner/dance dress. But she wanted to throw out my circa 1975 black platform t-strap pumps… They have no sense of perspective…
April 24th, 2007 at 2:22 pm
I still have nightmares about that scary thing…I’m so glad you kept it. Do you want that Chucky Doll that Lynn has?
April 24th, 2007 at 3:51 pm
Gah! Think of the revenue you’ve just squandered by traumatizing your darling — and talented — nephews; saddling them instead with recurrent nightmares and panic of unknown origin soothed only by chocolate in gluttonous amounts!!
April 24th, 2007 at 5:19 pm
serap: sometimes for $5, you can put up with the nightmares.
laurel: black platform t-strap pumps? please tell me you’re posting a photo on your site!
dee: if you come anywhere near me with that chucky doll, i will SO be buying you a ventriloquist dummy and sneaking it into your bed. consider yourself warned…
shari: are you kidding me? trauma begets art begets fame begets money. at least that’s what i’ve always heard.
April 24th, 2007 at 6:27 pm
My daughter says about that hideous bunny head:
“Ours are all slightly irregular, handmade, papier-maché and tempera paint over chicken wire rabbit heads.”
She neglects to say that they have big, black-rimmed eyes covered with a very fine screening so that the “Easter Bunny” can see just how badly she is scaring her nephews.
Is there anyone out there who has not seen Jeff Goldblum as “The Fly?” Just imagine him in the chamber with a deranged bunny, and THAT is what my poor grandchildren had to see on at least 2, possibly 3, Easter Sundays.
Sigh…you all DO understand why I asked her if she really wanted to keep it, don’t you.
April 24th, 2007 at 6:27 pm
My daughter says about that hideous bunny head:
“Ours are all slightly irregular, handmade, papier-maché and tempera paint over chicken wire rabbit heads.”
She neglects to say that they have big, black-rimmed eyes covered with a very fine screening so that the “Easter Bunny” can see just how badly she is scaring her nephews.
Is there anyone out there who has not seen Jeff Goldblum as “The Fly?” Just imagine him in the chamber with a deranged bunny, and THAT is what my poor grandchildren had to see on at least 2, possibly 3, Easter Sundays.
Sigh…you all DO understand why I asked her if she really wanted to keep it, don’t you.
April 24th, 2007 at 7:03 pm
I will make a platform-show-picture-post my mission this weekend. I just got a new (read: my first) digital camera for my b’day, so this will give me something to practice on, since I’m so NOT doing the first-thing-in-the-morning shot. That would be scarier than any bunny head…
Can we have Jen’s Mom do a once a week rebuttal? She’s a hoot…
April 24th, 2007 at 8:31 pm
I can’t tell you how scared I am of that bunny head. I also can’t tell you why I can’t look away from the pictures of the bunny head. It has me under it’s psychotic power.
April 24th, 2007 at 9:36 pm
jen’s mom: that which does not kill us makes us stronger. these boys will thank me someday.
laurel: congrats on the new camera! cannot wait to see the shoes!
heather anne: do you fear the bunny or love it? this question cannot be answered.
April 25th, 2007 at 12:32 pm
Is it too late to request a picture of the rabbit head and the green bridesmaid dress together? Because, hot!
April 26th, 2007 at 9:46 am
What we’re asking is, get the green dress back, put it and the rabbit head on, take pictures, post same. (Assuming either still fits.) (I meant, with the hair and everything. You know.)
And more point-counterpoint with Mom. She’s a wise lady. You should listen to her.
April 29th, 2007 at 9:56 pm
Great: you’ll throw away the dress you wore to our wedding, which we’re always glad to see in the portraits; but keep the bunny head which blocked two groomsmen and cost us thousands of dollars in retouching. You are a pal.
September 24th, 2007 at 2:29 am
adorable story!!