Go @ See, or How I Learned to Love the Inside Joke
Let me say this: it’s a good thing that Portland has strict anti-polygamy laws and a dearth of 24-hour wedding chapels, because if it didn’t, I would’ve found myself smack dab in the thick of marital bliss with Brandon, Asia, and Vahid after my dinner on Wednesday. I laughed until I wept so many deadly tears, and when the ache in my side became too great to bear, I measured my breathing and wiped my eyes. But then a soft snicker would rise up and the cycle began again. It was a massacre of sorts.
The evening began as all good nights out should – at a posh, over-priced bar sipping bourbon and eating cornichons. It was the kind of place that made you wish you wore a monocle. I met up with Brandon, Vahid and Sibyl for a quick drink before we were to join Asia for dinner, and Brandon easily convinced me that one salted almond would cure me of my “drinking on an empty stomach” fears. Sibyl claimed that she couldn’t join us for dinner because she had roller derby practice, but I suspect it was actually because I made her uncomfortable when I kept asking if I could post a weekly photo of her on my site to drive traffic. This younger generation and their integrity really get my goat. She left me no choice but to repost this one from TequilaCon:
Early on in the evening, I discovered a new talent, which is the ability to draw all conversation to a screeching and awkward halt through the introduction of inappropriate references to various sites I’ve found on the interweb.
I feel like it was apropos of something, although now I can’t imagine what, but at one point, I brought up this particularly disturbing viral internet phenomenon that I hadn’t actually seen myself, but had read about. Brandon just stared at me blankly and kept saying “goat cheese?” but fortunately, Vahid knew what I was talking about as he had seen it in gory detail with his own once innocent eyes.
I can’t actually link to what we were discussing because that might encourage the kind of visitors no one really wants at their site, and because you would have to pluck out your eyes if you saw it, but trust me when I say that this: nothing is ever truly gone from the internet. I told my companions that the site in question had long been taken down, but my persistent references nagged at their curiosity so much that several vodka gimlets, a bottle of Pinot Noir, and some Makers Mark manhattans later we all found ourselves in a lonely corner of a dark bar, crouched over Brandon’s shiny pocket pc.
Brandon and Asia are on a mission
Vahid tries to protect me
We can’t look away
Innocence lost
It was not unlike the one and only time I saw the movie Requiem for a Dream – I found myself transfixed and repulsed all at once, and wished I could erase the memories from my brain. Scenes from that movie flashed in my head for weeks later, much like the unintentional reminders of this image that would haunt the rest of my Portland visit.
But let me say this: I cannot think of anyone I would rather be emotionally scarred with than these three people. If Stockholm Syndrome is wrong, then I don’t want to be right.
Filed under: General on April 30th, 2007
April 30th, 2007 at 12:51 am
One can only hope that the rules in Jenstown will allow these sorts of complicated four-way marriages.
And didn’t it just seem like kismet that we wound up in a bar with a picture of (what we all thought was) a giant anthropomorphic rabbit?
April 30th, 2007 at 9:51 am
polygamy is not only allowed in jenstown, it’s encouraged.
i was thinking i needed to post a photo of that donnie darko rabbit later this week. so bizarre…
April 30th, 2007 at 10:07 am
every so often something else pops up from that evening (microscopic goatee, turkey slapping, vahid telling asia to wave to us even though we weren’t within 5 blocks of her, and still we waved, etc.) like so much shards from broken wine glasses.
jenstown better have plenty of bandaids.
April 30th, 2007 at 11:00 am
Um…so I’m now searching for the grossness you described. I’m so the person who, upon hearing someone say, “this smells awful!” runs over to smell it.
April 30th, 2007 at 11:46 am
brandon: it’s so true – there were so many great moments. c-bags, missouri hook-ups, trying to make the sign for boxed wine… ::sigh::
sandra: this is far worse than any curdled milk you’ve ever smelt.
April 30th, 2007 at 1:22 pm
I wish I didn’t have such a vivid imagination, because the things I’m envisioning right now that have to do with goat cheese are very, very bad.
April 30th, 2007 at 4:44 pm
ooh, ooh! i just remembered that whole reenactment you did of pat benatar’s “love is a battlefield,” including the back-up child dancers.
oh my god.
April 30th, 2007 at 5:05 pm
churlita: fortunately, goat cheese really has nothing to do with the horrifying image. because really, i like goat cheese, and i’d like to continue enjoying it.
brandon: god, there was so much good material. i’m telling you – if i had one wish, it would be to have that entire evening videotaped so that i could replay it anytime i was feeling down.
May 1st, 2007 at 1:48 pm
Were you back in Portland recently or are you reminscing? I love the photos. The one with Brandon and Asia is my favorite. They look very confused.
May 1st, 2007 at 8:13 pm
Will there be karaoke at TequilaCon4 because I would pay good money to see a re-enactment of “Love is a Battlefield”…
May 2nd, 2007 at 12:09 am
It was wicked fun. I am really looking forward to wearing my wine coozie.
May 2nd, 2007 at 6:16 am
egan: although i often do reminisce about tequilacon, i actually was back in portland last week. just can’t get enough of that crazy little town.
laurel: my version actually lends itself more to interpretive dance than karaoke. and i will need at least two children to back me up.
asia: wicked indeed. i’m already hard at work on the pattern…
May 9th, 2007 at 3:00 pm
OK — after nearly two weeks of internetlessness (that’s a word, too), I’m baaaaack, and I missed the whole Portland tour. Damn! But it was a school night, and soccer night, and baseball night anyway. *sigh* But if I was there, I would totally have married all of you.