Thigh Master
Woman #1: “Ouch. Ouch. Ow. Ouch. Ow. Ow. Ouch. Owee. Ow. Ouch.”
Woman #2: “What’s wrong with you? Why are you walking like a robot?”
Woman #1: “Ugh. I started going to the gym again, and I think I overdid it yesterday. I can’t walk – it hurts to move.”
Woman #2: “Nice.”
Woman #1: “Hey, slow down. Let me ask you guys something. Do you know that hip adductor/abductor machine? The one where you squeeze your thighs in or push them out?”
Woman #3: “Yeah – the Madonna-Whore machine.”
Woman #1: “Exactly. So… which one is easier for you?”
Woman #2: “Which one what?”
Woman #1: “Squeezing your thighs together or pushing them out?”
Woman #2: “Oh, squeezing together. Totally.”
Woman #3: “Yeah – that’s way easier.”
Woman #1: “Are you serious? See, that’s what I was afraid of. It’s way easier for me to push my thighs out than to pull them in. I can do 85, 90 pounds pushing out, and only like 40 pounds pulling in.”
Woman #3: “What? That doesn’t make sense. Maybe you’re not doing it right.”
Woman #1: “You sit in a chair and squeeze your legs together – what’s not to do right?”
Woman #3: “Hmm. Well, that just seems wrong.”
Woman #1: “But that’s my point. Does it say something about me that it’s so much easier for me to spread my legs than to close them?”
Woman #2: “Gross.”
Woman #3: “It says that you’re genetically predisposed to being a whore.”
Woman #1: “That’s what I thought. But why am I discovering this so late in life?”
Filed under: Fitness on July 18th, 2007
July 17th, 2007 at 10:54 pm
Which just may explain why I suck at push ups.
July 18th, 2007 at 8:38 am
I don’t know. No matter how you cut it, that machine’s a whore trainer.
But what’s the equivalent man machine?
July 18th, 2007 at 9:31 am
I always wondered what the point of that machine was and now, thanks to a girl named Jenny, I find out that it’s a Whore Detector. So, from now on whenever I see a woman using it, I’ll point at her and yell WHORE!!! as sort of an FYI to everyone else in the gym.
July 18th, 2007 at 9:31 am
I always wondered what the point of that machine was and now, thanks to a girl named Jenny, I find out that it’s a Whore Detector. So, from now on whenever I see a woman using it, I’ll point at her and yell WHORE!!! as sort of an FYI to everyone else in the gym.
July 18th, 2007 at 9:58 am
RW: you’ll never make it through basic training with that kind of attitude, private!
peefer: good question – so what machine trains men to be pimps? hmm… i’m gonna guess a patriarchal society that devalues the role of strong, independent women and the fashion industry’s hyper-sexualization of young girls that teaches them to base their esteem solely on waist size? whoa… heh. lighten up peef. geez. just a joke. ‘lil feminist humor never hurt anyone. sheesh.
sir: you’ll be doing the entire gym a service. just be sure to have a clear path to the emergency exit…
July 18th, 2007 at 10:47 am
We call those The Slut Machines. They are my favorite. I’m not sure I want to know what that says about me.
July 18th, 2007 at 6:12 pm
That’s so freakin’ awesome, I can hardly stand it.
July 18th, 2007 at 9:42 pm
whoa, these are called whore trainers/slut machines?!?
i am assuming that dave is working on a design for tcon07.5.
my guess is that they will have to go with checked baggage.
July 18th, 2007 at 9:42 pm
whoa, these are called whore trainers/slut machines?!?
i am assuming that dave is working on a design for tcon07.5.
my guess is that they will have to go with checked baggage.
July 18th, 2007 at 10:20 pm
I need to try that out
July 19th, 2007 at 12:35 am
I didn’t know we go to the same gym!
July 19th, 2007 at 12:40 am
Now if only I can come up with a way to incorporate a Herpes Detector into these Slut Machines…
July 19th, 2007 at 7:52 am
jennie: slut machines? probably a regional difference.
tracy lynn: you wouldn’t say that if you saw the way I… i mean Woman #1 was walking. medieval torture device!
/\: excellent idea! the next tequilacon will be held in my gym. every machine has cable tv…
kilax: have you learned nothing from this cautionary tale? these things are dangerous!
pants: sure – you must’ve seen me. i was the one who had to ask to be carried down the stairs.
iron fist: well, i usually do a quick culture swab before i sit down on any machine at the gym anyway, so i’m sure we can think of something.
July 19th, 2007 at 1:37 pm
I still wish my gym had rotiserie chicken. It was chicken, right?