No Dummy

After my last entry, I received an email that said simply: “Not all dummies are creepy… please meet my friend Jerry Mahoney.”
And then I scrolled down and saw this photo:
My initial horror was replaced by morbid curiosity, followed by a surprising flood of fond recollections. Maybe I didn’t hate ventriloquist dummies after all. Maybe that Mahoney character was all right, snappy little bow-tie and politely crossed legs. And look at his little worn feet. I wonder where he’s walking?
I mean, I had a ventriloquist dummy as a kid and we had some good times, my dummy and me. I’d sit in my room and practice throwing my voice. During my Randy Newman period, I tried to learn how to make him sing Short People, which came across as, “Short teetle got nodutty. Short teetle got nodutty to lud…” I had the same dreams as any other 8-year old girl: Vaudevillian fame and glory.
But then one Halloween when we were too old to go door-to-door for candy, my brother and I fashioned a noose out of a clothesline, fed the other end over a tree branch and into the upstairs sewing room window, and waited patiently to drop my ventriloquist dummy onto the heads of unsuspecting trick-or-treaters.
At one point, the snap of the rope was too much for my dummy and his head separated from the body, leaving me with a decapitated ventriloquist doll, and quite possibly necessitating years of therapy to rid that girl dressed like a Smurf of her recurring nightmares of a smiling, unblinking head rolling down the sidewalk at her.
That memory aside, this whole movie theater experience got me thinking about how maybe it was time to get back to my roots. I just imagined all the fun I could have with ventriloquist dummy photo shoots. Ventriloquist dummy reading the paper. Ventriloquist dummy playing Twister. Ventriloquist dummy sipping a scotch next to Pickles. And really, who would shove next to my seat on the train if I had a ventriloquist dummy on my lap?
I started to get a little obsessed with the idea of having a ventriloquist dummy in my house. I’ve been listening to Dan Savage and his Savage Love advice podcasts lately, and he says that as long as they don’t hurt anyone, we should indulge our obsessions. If I denied this strange attraction to ventriloquist dummies I had resurrected, maybe it would begin to consume my life.
So today, I took Dan’s advice and searched for “ventriloquist dummies” on eBay. Having spent a horrific 20 minutes on eBay, I fully intend to call Dan Savage and let him know that this was the worst advice anyone has ever indirectly given me in a podcast. I now understand that we must bury all fetishes deep down into our psyche and never speak of them because if I had, I could have spared myself the image of a grinning Bozo the Clown ventriloquist dummy, which quite possibly will necessitate several years of therapy to once again repress.
Karma, she is a bitch.
So my apologies, Rhonda. I’m sure your friend Jerry is a really pleasant fellow who would never try to steal my soul and trap it inside his heartless wooden cavity, but that’s just not a risk I can afford to take. I guess I just don’t want no short teetle, don’t want no short teetle, don’t want no short teetle round here.

17 Responses to “No Dummy”

  1. vahid Says:

    All right, maybe not all dummies are creepy…but those two sure are. Yikes.

  2. Strode Says:

    As soon as I had read your post, I too went to Ebay. i couldn’t believe they had so many. The clown is definitely creepy.

  3. You can call me, 'Sir' Says:

    I think if you’re willing to dress up like a smurf, you deserve to be emotionally scarred by a severed wooden head. I’m pretty sure that most psychiatrists would agree with me, as well.

  4. You can call me, 'Sir' Says:

    I think if you’re willing to dress up like a smurf, you deserve to be emotionally scarred by a severed wooden head. I’m pretty sure that most psychiatrists would agree with me, as well.

  5. Miss Britt Says:

    Is there a way I can block images from your URL in my feed reader? Holy hell.

  6. rhonda Says:

    I can’t believe I never thought to take photo’s of Jerry reading the paper or cleaning his Mini-Cooper. I always had him sit (rather formally, now that I look at it) to have his picture taken.

  7. Cheryl Says:

    Don’t give up on your dummy dreams. Pickles and Sometimes Rabbit need friends.

  8. shari Says:

    I say they’re a primitive life form bent on insinuating themselves into our society. Don’t let them win.

  9. Tracy Lynn Says:

    Dude, why must you do this to me? I dealt with the freaky cat, and I’m actually quite fond of Sometimes Rabbit, but this evil combination of ventriloquism and clowning is where I draw the line.
    I mean, DUDE. REALLY.

  10. jenny Says:

    vahid: especially that clown. ::shiver::
    strode: isn’t it unreal? there were hundreds of them! everywhere!
    sir: you speak the truth.
    miss britt: you couldn’t look away if you tried! :)
    rhonda: you see… the possibilities are endless!
    cheryl: you’re always thinking of others, aren’t you? pickles thanks you.
    shari: it’s too late – they’ve already won.
    tracy lynn: don’t hate me. i’m not a bad person… but sometimes i make bad choices.

  11. Dave2 Says:

    There is no need for me to go see horror movies like “Saw IV” when I can just come here and be given nightmares for weeks to come from the images you’ve been posting lately. Clowns… scary. Dummies… frightening. Clown Dummies… sheer terror.

  12. Jessica Says:

    Sheesh, I came over here today for light laughs, plastic and/or dressed up cats and to generally feel good inside – not get totally creeped out.
    Thanks, Jen.

  13. jenny Says:

    dave2: see? i saved you $10. no popcorn, but free nightmares.
    jessica: it’s a different world we live in now, jessica. i’m not the same happy-go-lucky blogger i was all those many months ago. ‘triloquism has made me cold inside.

  14. churlita Says:

    So, do you have some special deal going with therapists? You show all your readers the creepiest photos in all of god’s green earth and then we all run screaming for help. You and the therapists win, but what do we get?

  15. adena Says:

    Didn’t that last picture come to life and attack a small child before she was sucked into a portal?
    I seem to remember that….

  16. rhonda Says:

    Not to belabor the point but, seriously people!
    Jerry is a kind fellow… The scariest thing about him is that he votes Republican. Consistently.

  17. jenny Says:

    churlita: yeah, but if i didn’t post these photos, then everyone would have to talk to therapists about their *real* problems.
    adena: it does bear a striking resemblance to that creepy ass clown in It.
    rhonda: jerry, jerry, jerry. i thought i knew you.

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