This weekend, Natasha, Farnsworth and I went to see one of my all-time favorite movies – Blade Runner – since it was the limited release 25th anniversary director’s cut. It was playing at a theater in Chicago that typically shows the more alternative, less mainstream films so you tend to find an interesting crowd there. We made sure to get there early because we knew that it would be packed, and as we were waiting for the earlier show to let out, I was a bit disappointed that the most unusual thing I saw was a man coming out of the bathroom wearing what appeared to be an Einstein-esque fright wig, but it was actually his real hair.
The three of us settled into our seats and started talking about where we should go for dinner afterwards, when suddenly something caught my attention.
“Natasha. Nat. Nat! Okay, okay, look. Look at that woman walking down the aisle. Is she carrying what I think she’s carrying?”
“No… it can’t be… there’s no way.”
“Ohmigod it is! It’s a ventriloquist dummy!”
“Maybe it’s her son’s doll. Let’s see if she hands it to him.”
[The woman walked into the row of seats and sat down. To her left was a young boy and to her right was an empty seat. She folded up her coat carefully, placed it on the empty seat, and then set the ventriloquist dummy gently on top of her coat, making sure to turn its head so he could see the screen.]
“All right, so we’ve established that the dummy does not belong to the kid.”
“So maybe she’s in a birthing class and she has to carry around the doll to see what it’s like to have a real child.”
“Nat. She’s like forty-five and has a real child sitting right next to her. Plus, I’m pretty sure most birthing classes don’t hand out creepy ventriloquist dummies wearing cardigans and wingtips.”
“Good point.”
“She’s crazy! She’s gonna kill us all!”
“Just keep an eye on her.”
“No doubt.”
Even though it was amazing to see the film on the big screen once again, I just couldn’t keep my eyes off the dummy’s shiny head. He was directly in my line of vision, and I could swear that on at least two occasions, the woman leaned over and whispered something into his ear.
At the end of the movie, as the credits were rolling by, I glanced over again and saw that the dummy was gone. The woman was still there, but sitting next to an empty chair.
“Nat! The dummy’s gone! It’s gone!”
“Where’d he go?”
“No idea. I didn’t see her move him. Does the kid have him?”
“Doesn’t look like it.”
“Hey, what if you turned around and instead of Farnsworth sitting next to you, there was the ventriloquist dummy wearing his glasses? “
“Ohmigod I’d freak! And what if he was wearing Farnsworth’s leather jacket?
“Yeah, yeah. And holding a bloody bucket of popcorn…”
[long pause]
“Okay, this is no longer a storyline I want to continue.”
“Agreed. Let’s get the hell out of here before he grabs onto your ankles and starts stabbing.”
“Jenny! I’m serious, cut it out. I mean, what kind of freak has a ventriloquist dummy?”

[long pause]
“I had one as a kid.”
“Why does that not surprise me in the least?”

Filed under: General on November 6th, 2007