Honesty. When is it right, and when is it wrong? If one of your friends still fashion-cuffed his jeans (you know… circa 1985, fold the cuff over, then roll extra tight at the ankle), would you tell him that he is no longer in style? What if it were a co-worker instead of a friend? Now what if, instead of fashion-cuffing his jeans, he insisted on doing the fist bump every time you saw him at work?
Because that’s my real problem. I’ve tried to leave him hanging for a suitably awkward amount of time, but then I always cave in and give him a piece of fist. Sometimes I don’t even lift my eyes from my monitor – I just keep typing with one hand and silently knock my fist against his with the other.
I can’t say for sure, but I’m pretty certain that I said something like, “Are we still doing this?” or “I thought the fist-bump went out in 2002…” at least once or twice, but the bumping continues.
Now I just try to make sure that whenever I see him, I have my hands full. So far, an armful of reports and notepads doesn’t seem to faze him. My next tactic will be to walk around the office with a scalding cup of coffee in one hand and a newborn baby in the other.
But that’s only going to last so long before someone asks me what the hell I’m doing with that cup of coffee. They all know I don’t drink caffeine.
So I’ve decided to come up with my own move to replace the fist bump. A move so ridiculous that it will force my co-worker to seek out infants and dark corners just to avoid my signature move.
Here’s how it works:
1. Extend the index finger on your right hand
2. Wait for the target to extend his index finger
3. Slowly reach your right arms out toward each other
4. Let your index fingers touch, then pause for a moment as you look deeply into each other’s eyes
5. Pull your arm back to your side
I call this move “The E.T.”
If you want to add an extra flair, you can also say, “Ouch,” slowly and in a raspy voice. My guess is that after the third or fourth time I make him do this, best case is he’ll duck into the copy room whenever he sees me coming down the hall, worst case is he calls HR to file a harassment suit. Either way, I’m free of the fist bumping.
Be good.

25 Responses to “Honesty”

  1. Hilly Says:

    Jenny FTW!
    “The ET”? Much better than the douchebag fist bump!

  2. vahid Says:

    Either that, or you could get all 1995 on his ass and start doing the Arsenio Hall “woop! woop! woop!” when you see him.

  3. rarity Says:

    May I suggest: Start wearing big old rings with sharp, pointy rocks on all your fingers and that’s probably gonna hurt and make him bleed a little and I bet he’ll get second thoughts. (On the other hand, he might just give you the secret password to the underground SM-club he frequents…)

  4. Avitable Says:

    I love that idea. Or you could just be bitchy, scrunch up your face, and say – “What, are you a frat boy now?”

  5. Finn Says:

    This is what happens when you allow morons to breed.
    Let us know if this works!

  6. Karl Says:

    The E.T.! Love it!

  7. shari Says:

    See, here’s the thing… if he’s still jonesing for “The Fist-Bump” in 2008, the chances of him being someone who will feel sufficiently awkward at “The E.T.” are a bit slim. I’d be afraid he’ll adopt it, and start insisting that everyone “E.T.” him at meetings, conferences, lunch, in the elevator, on the way to the vending machine, et cetera. I hope you know what you’re doing, Ms. Amadeo. Maybe you should go with something less subtle… like, I don’t know, maybe saying, “Don’t fist-bump me. I have herpes.”

  8. Valerie Says:

    This post made me laugh :)

  9. Mad William Says:

    I think you should just clobber him. Make a fist and give him the ol’ haymaker. While he’s laying on the floor bleeding and asks you what that was about. say,”Was that too much fist?”
    But that’s just me.
    (Sorry, feeling a bit aggressive today.)

  10. sizzle Says:

    Beeeeeeeee good.
    I just watched that movie on TV. I get all weepy every time. I worry that if I were to do this new fangled move of yours, I’d cry too often.

  11. Black Belt Mama Says:

    I can totally see you doing that. I think it’s the signature “shake” for the next TC.

  12. Nancy Says:

    I worked with a hugger once. As his voice rounded the cubicles, Pavlov himself might have been intrigued ~ my eyes instantaneously scanned the area for items load my arms with. Some people just don’t get it. ID-EEE-OT !!!!!!!!!

  13. kilax Says:

    I do the fist bump at work with one coworker to be funny. I didn’t realize it was so “out”!

  14. jenny Says:

    hilly: excellent – i expect that you’ll start making the ET fashionable on the west coast, then?
    vahid: i love it! the arsenio might need to come back in style!
    rarity: creepy! maybe i’ll just show up to work with that leather mask with the zipper mouth i picked up at a yard sale last summer.
    avitable: i may have to try that.
    finn: the funny thing is that he’s really a nice, brainy guy – he just keeps doing the fist bump.
    karl: it’s totally going to catch on!
    shari: awesome idea! i’m designing a t-shirt right now that says, “i have knuckle herpes. don’t ask.”
    valerie: right on! that deserves an ET!
    mad william: ok, i just had to look up what a haymaker is, and now i’m totally cracking up!
    sizzle: i know, “the ET” can be an emotional greeting, but it’s worth it.
    BBM: start practicing!
    nancy: yow! i’ll take office fist-bumping over office hugging anyday! awkward.
    kilax: see here’s the thing – i occasionally fist bump my friends too. but as long as you know it’s ironic, you’re fine. it’s all in the delivery.

  15. jennafura Says:

    How did you get sooo funny?

  16. Fiorello La Guardia Says:

    Holy Cow – I don’t know which was funnier: Mad William’s haymaker comment, or your not knowing what a haymaker was.
    (Just for the record, I am completely on Mad William’s wave length! I LOVE his idea.)

  17. Stacey Says:

    The ET? Hilarious.
    My coworkers fortunately do not fist bump me, but I always feel kinda weird when my boss gives me the peace out.

  18. Robin Says:

    The fist bump is rampant in our office now. I hate it, especially when someone walks into my office to ask a question and extends the fist.

  19. Belinda Says:

    Heavens, but you are brilliant! Alex and I are going to spread the “E.T.” far and wide in Arkansas.
    And I’m sending up a prayer of thanksgiving that you do NOT, in fact, have a friend who’s still “pegging” their jeans. *whew*

  20. Pants Says:

    I bet he’d leave you alone if you offer a booty bump.

  21. BlondeBlogger Says:

    Oh my gosh…he does not!! Hahahahaha!!
    Can you put something on your hands, like ketchup or peanut butter?

  22. Mocha Says:

    Here’s the thing. You try putting up an index finger at me and I will cover my eyes and hope you aren’t reaching out to poke me. If you see me clench my fist, run.

  23. jenny Says:

    jennafura: no social life frees up a lot of time. ;)
    fiorello: i am totally working “haymaker” into my vocabulary as often as possible now!
    stacey: peace out? you mean s/he says that, or kisses his/her two fingers and then flashes you the peace sign, or all of the above? ‘cuz that’s hilarious!
    robin: it’s really an epidemic, isn’t it?
    belinda: OMG – i forgot that some people called that “pegging” – that’s the best name ever.
    pants: mmmm, not so sure about that. how much you wanna bet?
    blondeblogger: can you imagine? “why does jenny always smell like a sandwich?”
    mocha: so if that’s your reaction to an extended finger, what do you do when someone offers you the fist bump? baseball bat to the skull? :)

  24. Mocha Says:

    Usually I just pop them square in the forehead. I wonder why no one likes me.

  25. peefer Says:

    The term “fist bumping” makes me nervous. I don’t know. Maybe I’m just dyslexic.

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