I’m pretty sure I have a malicious virus on my computer. I don’t know a lot about computers, but I’m pretty sure it’s one of those Trojan horse viruses. Nothing’s really wrong with my computer, that I can tell, but I know my system was hacked because when I got my Netflix in the mail the other day, there was a copy of Year of the Dog in one of my red envelopes.
So it had to be a virus. I’m telling you right now, there’s no way I put that movie into my queue. So this hacker isn’t trying to steal my passwords or drain my bank account or hijack my email to send juvenile messages to all my business contacts. He’s just trying to gaslight me into thinking I actually paid to see Year of the Dog.
I want to do whatever I can to fight internet crime, so let this serve as a warning to you all: if you suddenly get Year of the Dog in your mailbox from Netflix – DO NOT OPEN IT! Just put the envelope in a plastic bag, scrub your hands thoroughly and call the FBI immediately.
Learn from my mistake. Even though I knew there was no way – even in the drunkest of stupors – that I put that movie in my queue, I still for some regrettable reason decided to pop it into my DVD player. It was like the forbidden fruit.
I started watching it and at first everything seemed great. It had that Molly Shannon in it from Saturday Night Live – I always thought she was funny – and some other really good actors like John C. Reilly and Peter Sarsgaard and Laura Dern. Didn’t all three of them get nominated for Oscars? I feel pretty certain that they were all in Oscar nominated films, at some point. Maybe they didn’t win, but clearly they keep good company.
But then, about 10 minutes into the movie, Molly Shannon’s little beagle – who is the center of her universe – dies. I know some people are going to be like, SPOILER! Why didn’t you warn us!? And here’s why – I want to spoil this movie for everyone so that no one ever watches it. So you know what else happens? She gets another dog and that other dog is psychotic but not in a funny Turner & Hooch sort of way, more like in a Cujo sort of way. And at one point, this new dog mauls a crippled dog to death so it has to be euthanized. The end.
I stuck with this movie until the end, because I kept trying to see the good in it. Just when I was about to walk away, they would tease me with something that kind of resembled a plot, only to dash my hopes again. You kind of think that she’s going to get together with John C. Reilly, but then he turns out to be a hardcore hunter and she’s an animal activist. And then you think that maybe she’ll fall in love with Peter Saarsgard, but he’s playing some sort of a eunuch so that can’t work out.
I’m sure people are thinking, why didn’t you just leave when you had the chance? And I guess all I can say to that is don’t judge me until you’ve sat a mile in my pants. Anyway, I want to make sure that no one ever has to go through what I endured, so I decided to put together a helpful guide so that you can learn to recognize the warning signs.

Top Five Signs Your Netflix Account Has Been Hacked

1. There is a Molly Shannon movie in your queue

15 Responses to “Hacked”

  1. Don Says:

    Three dogs die. This movie should be perfect for a cat lover.

  2. Jessica Says:

    “until you’ve sat a mile in my pants” – HAH!

  3. Finn Says:

    There is certainly something wrong with me because now I’m upset that a fictional dog fictionally mauled another fictional dog that had to be fictionally put to sleep.

  4. delmer Says:

    Trying to ‘gaslight’ you …
    I first heard that expression on The Lucy Show. Not that it has anything to do with your post. I just knew you’d want to know.
    (And Molly Shannon is sooo out of JCR’s league. Superstar!)

  5. MOM Says:

    Jen, I think you should take Delmer’s advice and watch “GASLIGHT” with Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer. Now there is a real movie.

  6. Anonymous Says:

    Dear Jenny,
    The little beagle’s name is Pencil. Doesn’t that make up for anything?

  7. serap Says:

    I can sympathise with you… something similar happened to me once and I ended up sitting through a film called ‘tiptoes’, staring Gary Oldman, Kate Beckinsale and Matthew McConaughey… sounds good huh? IMDB summarises it: ‘Gary Oldman plays as a dwarf brother to a normal-sized Matthew McConaughey. When McConaughey’s girlfriend (played by Kate Beckinsale) becomes pregnant, the pair are fearful that the baby will inherit the Oldman gene’. I have no idea why I watched it through to the end.

  8. jenny Says:

    don: i’m an equal opportunity animal lover, except for pigeons. they can all die.
    jessica: i probably should’ve been more specific… “sweatpants.”
    finn: it was totally upsetting! that’s why the movie sucked so much!
    delmer: yeah, but JCR is a porn star! wasn’t he? he was in boogie nights, right?
    mom: i’ve seen it – it’s an awesome movie! i wouldn’t mind if someone hacked in and added that to my queue.
    vivian: i loved the little beagle, and his name. wait… did you like this movie? we need to talk. :)
    serap: because you were like me, and kept thinking, ooh – with gary oldman in it, it’s got to get better at some point, doesn’t it? we were both wrong.

  9. Cheryl Says:

    I have sat a mile in this particular pair of sweatpants and I was sad for like two weeks. I was reminded how thinking a movie is good and liking or ever wanting to see it again are very different things.

  10. churlita Says:

    Once Netflicks sent me someone’s burned copy of a Rascall Flats CD and I KNOW I didn’t have that on my queue either. This hacking thing is running rampant

  11. jenny Says:

    cheryl: it feels really good to be understood. thank you for that.
    churlita: OMG! is that where that went?!?

  12. shari Says:

    This chilling tale is precisely why I do not use Netflix. (Well, this, plus the fact that the only movies I’ve seen in the past year were in a theater and made by Disney/Pixar…) Still, with movie-account hackers out there, you just can’t be too careful.

  13. Cap Says:

    I suggest renting Gaslight. It’s always worth a second, third and fourth watching. Or sixteenth. But really, who’s counting?

  14. martymankins Says:

    Some parts of the movie were ok. I thought the dog’s name was cool “Pencil” But there was too much darkness and not enough substance.

  15. Tracy Lynn Says:

    His Girl Friday, a movie GUARANTEED to make you forget that other crap. THIS I SWEAR.

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