Boats

I leaned forward, so close to the window that my forehead was almost touching it. I could feel the cool breeze from the air conditioning vent blowing up toward my face.
“Jenny, are you watching the boats again?” my coworker asked, half-grinning, as I stood by the window with the stack of papers I had just collected off the printer.
Caught red-handed, I smiled sheepishly, turned to her and said, “Yeah. There were three of them going by in a row this time, and a big barge. It was really huge, and a man was just sitting on the edge of it, dangling his legs. I think he was eating a sandwich, but I couldn’t quite tell.”
It’s tourist season in Chicago, and my office building overlooks the Chicago River. From June through September, steady streams of sightseeing boats leisurely coast up and down the river. My desk is near the window, so whenever I get up, I can’t help but glance outside to see if one of them is passing by.
I’ve never been on one of those tour boats, but I like to watch them navigate the olive green river. I find it calming. Almost hypnotic, in the same way that staring at a fish tank can be.
She laughed and said, “Yeah, I bet you wish you were one of those people on that boat instead of being stuck here all day,” and then scurried off to her meeting.
But I really don’t, you know. I just like watching the people on the boats go by. Today we are all exactly where we belong. It’s Monday, so I am at work. They are on vacation, or maybe retired.
The boats move slowly and effortlessly through the water, pausing to turn around and circle back. Some are double decker boats, others are smaller speedboats, but even the speedboats don’t go fast. The people are always smiling, or so I imagine, hands pressed above their brows to shield their eyes from the sun as they squint, trying to identify the buildings along the riverfront. When the taller boats cross under the bridges, it looks like the passengers could reach up and touch the bottom of the bridge.
During my lunch break, I often stand outside and lean on the railing with my forearms pressed against the cool metal, fingers intertwined, hoping for one more boat to come by before I go back to work. Sometimes they are so close that I can hear the tour guide’s commentary. I listen hard to catch a random fact or two, but their voices echo off the steel and concrete, making it hard to understand.
The Sears Tower took… to build.
How long?
Over… people work inside the Mercantile Exchange.
Wait – how many?
The Civic Opera building almost…
Did she say it almost burned down?
There are children in baseball caps waving to the business people taking their cigarette breaks. I always wave back, but I keep my hand low, close to the railing. It’s Monday, and I have a job to do.

And Justice for All

In a city the size of Chicago, it’s easy to feel like just another face in the crowd. A stranger on the street. A mere cog in the mighty machine that is urban progress. But every once in a while, a city the size of Chicago singles out someone like me to let me know exactly how critical I am to its continued success.
This past week, Chicago let me know that it needs me. It told me that I am important, that I am desired, that I am necessary. It told me everything I’ve ever wanted to hear from a city. I don’t think I can put it any better than Chicago did, so let me just share with you a little excerpt from the letter I received Thursday:
“By order of the circuit court of Cook County, Illinois, you are hereby summoned to appear for jury service on the date and time at the court indicated below.”
That’s right. In a matter of weeks, someone’s fate could rest in my hands. I could decide guilt or innocence. Lives may be forever changed depending on my loose interpretation of the law. I might even wear my hair in a bun, I can’t be sure.
God, please let me get picked! But, I just hope that my legal background doesn’t preclude me from serving on the jury. I may need to downplay some of my experience so I don’t get eliminated right off the bat. I mean, I highly doubt they’ll find another juror who has seen:

  1. The entire series run of L.A. Law. They thought Susan Dey would never make a comeback. Fools.
  2. Most of the Law & Order seasons. “In the criminal justice system, there are…” I could probably quote that whole opening sequence verbatim, if you gave me a few minutes. I mostly like SVU – Mariska Hargitay is one bad mamma-jamma.
  3. Several reruns of The Practice. I wish that one woman would take out some earrings. How am I supposed to take her seriously looking like a hippie?
  4. The Firm. I didn’t trust anyone at work for days after seeing that movie.
  5. That one episode of The Brady Bunch where Carol gets sued for giving a guy whiplash, but Mike saves the day by throwing down his briefcase in the courtroom. Oh, what’s that Mr. Neckbrace Plaintiff? Seems like your neck worked just fine when you wanted to hear where that noise was coming from! Case dismissed! And don’t think I won’t be using that technique in court if I get selected!

As I examined the summons a bit more closely, I noticed that I was scheduled for court in Rolling Meadows, IL.
Rolling Meadows.
I don’t believe I’ve ever been there, but it sounds just lovely. And based on the name, I imagine my case will have something to do with a stolen sheep, or perhaps a dispute between a Hobbit who wanted to marry a Halfling.
This is going to be so awesome! Law & Order: Rolling Meadows. The case of Danny McLeprechaun vs. Paddy O’Dougall, land dispute:
Rolling Meadows ‘twas a quiet little village, unbesmirched by the crime and corruption of its neighboring Chicago. That is, until the dark day when Paddy O’Dougall’s greed changed all that. Forever.
If it be pleasing the court, yer honor, might I introduce Exhibit A, which be a picture of a rainbow, the end of which clearly be lying on me property, and not on one Mr. Paddy O’Dougall’s. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, as sure as me shillelagh be true, Mr. O’Dougall had no right whatsoever to be digging for that pot o’ gold without me consent. And I ask ya to throw the ever-loving book at him. I rest me case.
What say you, Foreperson?
GUILTY! WE FIND HIM GUILTY! BURN HIM! BURN HIM!
Ms. Amadeo, this is Rolling Meadows, not Salem. We don’t burn people here anymore. Your options are stocks or scarlet letter.
Oh, well, then… stocks. Lock him up in stocks! Let all the good townsfolk come see what he has done! And pull his pants down! Let him never again look upon these rolling meadows but through the cloud of shame that his criminal deed has wrought!

I’m so serious – I will be getting jury gigs all over town after this one. I’ll walk into that courtroom and jaws will drop. Defendants will start to plea bargain their asses off once they find out I’m on the jury. Oprah wishes she could have served side by side with me. I’ll be all Clarence Frickin’ Darrow. If he had been a juror.
I’m out of order? You’re out of order! This whole damn court is out of order! What’s that? Isn’t this room 8B? Oh, sorry. Wrong trial.
Yeah.
Jenny Amadeo, Juror #5. I like the sound of that.

Weekly Opinion Poll: Heart Attack

Well, I’ve got to let you know that after my last opinion poll, I considered calling it quits.
Because throughout these weekly opinion polls, you know that we’ve had some ups and downs. None of you agreed that Boys of Summer was a heart-wrenchingly sad song. And sure the flip-flop haters were in the majority, but I just didn’t feel like we had any true breakthroughs.
But with the work jargon entry, it was almost like we had reached nirvana. I have never in my life felt so understood. So connected. So part of something bigger than me. I just wanted to smile until I couldn’t hold back the laughter, and then laugh until I started to cry a little, which would then turn into hysterical sobs that eventually would turn back into laughter, but by then you wouldn’t know what to do with me so you’d just promise to call me in the morning.
But both of us knew you never would.
So I guess I kind of felt like, what more is there? How much closer can I really let myself get? I already feel like you’re the Billy Bob to my Angelina and I just want to wear a vial of your blood around my neck. Do you know what I mean?
Anyway.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I don’t want to give up just yet. I just need to not let myself compare future opinion polls to that one. Because it wouldn’t be fair to them.
So I decided to take stock: what is it that I know about you, and what have I yet to learn? You are truly complex individuals. I know what you don’t like to eat, who you don’t like to listen to, what you hate to see people wear, what makes you cry, what makes you crazy. What’s left? Romance, of course.
So I got to thinking – what makes you all squishy inside? On that note, I launch this week’s Weekly Opinion Poll!
Question: What romantic movie makes your heart just melt and gives you hope that true love can exist? (and for you, of course I’ll accept write-ins)
A. Love Story
B. Officer and a Gentleman
C. Somewhere in Time
D. Sixteen Candles
E. Casablanca
F. West Side Story
G. The Princess Bride
P.S. I know I shouldn’t muddy the issue, but just yesterday I heard two more catch phrases that make me dig my fingernails into my fists: “I had an ‘A-ha’ moment,” and “But can we really deliver that Wow Factor?”

American Girls

“Do you girls even know who Tom Petty is?” I teased, winking at Dee-Dee as she held the door for her seventeen year old niece and her niece’s best friend. They tossed their overnight bags on Dee’s living room floor and fell in a heap onto her couch, flip-flops dangling lazily off their toes.

“Uh, hello? Yeah, we know who he is! We wouldn’t have paid $45 for almost-lawn seats if we didn’t know who he was.”

Ally and her friend Kelly drove to Milwaukee to spend the day at Summerfest, which draws crowds from all over the area to gorge themselves on barbeque ribs, fried mozzarella sticks, and deep dish pizza. It is also the Midwest’s best opportunity to witness unapologetic displays of tattoos and chest hair, stretch marks and tan lines. To combat the blazing sun and record-breaking humidity, there are two options: $6 lemonades and any Miller Brewing product.

There’s also some music, I hear.

Before I drove up, Dee-Dee warned me that her house would be a bit crowded that weekend, but since Vivian was also going to be in town, we decided it would be like a big slumber party.

Shortly after they arrived, Ally and Kelly bolted out of Dee’s house to meet up with their friends at Summerfest. They wanted to allow themselves ample time to buy hemp purses and get henna tattoos before shoving into the damp crowd of concert-goers.

Vivian, Dee-Dee and I opted for a tamer evening of overpriced Mexican food and microbrews, and had all retired to our respective beds by midnight. Had it not been for the muffled giggles and hip-hop ringtones, I never would have known the girls had returned from their evening of sweat.

The next morning, Dee-Dee and I stepped over piles of shoes, overnight bags, and Tom Petty t-shirts to make our way to the kitchen. We told the girls that we were going out for coffee and breakfast, so they needed to get ready in ten minutes.

A look of panic flashed in Kelly’s mascara smudged eyes. “Oh god! If I don’t put some makeup on, we’ll be the only ones there because everyone will run out screaming!”

I looked at their smooth faces, their tan toned arms, their flat bellies, and remembered this obligatory insecurity of seventeen. You self deprecate, but you don’t really believe it. But you do really believe it.

“I totally have cellulite!” Ally declared, as she slid into her glittery sandals.

Dee-Dee rolled her eyes and said, “Yeah, right. You really have cellulite.”

“No, I do! If I squeeze my leg, I totally have cellulite.”

I laughed, “Well, that’s the difference. Call me when you catch a glimpse of the back of your thighs in a dressing room mirror and almost break down in tears. If you have to squeeze it to see it, it’s not really there.”

We met up with Viv at a local coffee shop by the lake, and waited in line as Ally and Kelly regaled us with tales of their evening of misadventures at the Tom Petty concert.

“Yeah, there were a bunch of hippies smoking pot right in front of us. They weren’t even trying to hide it!”

“I know! Oh my god! And… when that old guy…”

Kelly could barely talk in between bouts of silent laughter, “When he kept… turning around to high five you… oh my god! I almost peed my pants!”

Even though we could barely understand what they were talking about, it was hard not to laugh along with them.

We found a table outside in the sun, overlooking the lake. I put my sunglasses on and leaned my head back a bit, enjoying one of the rare perfect days of a Midwest summer. Just when my face would start to feel too hot, a cool breeze would come off Lake Michigan, or the sun would momentarily duck behind a cloud long enough for me to want it to return. A man sitting at the table next to us tried in vain to untangle the leashes of his two small dogs who kept chasing each other under his table. He breathed an audible sigh of relief when his wife and children returned, sipping lemonades and iced coffee, and bearing pastry gifts.

Ally and Kelly had everything figured out. They would share an apartment in Chicago after high school. Ally would study business, Kelly would go to design school, but she eventually wanted to open a boutique in New York City. I asked Kelly if she had ever been to New York, and Dee-Dee, who loves to brag about her friends, said, “Oh, you should totally go to New York and visit Vivian. She lives in New York, you know.”

“You do? What do you do there?”

Before Vivian could answer, Dee-Dee chimed in, “Viv is a famous writer. She just got published and she hangs out with other famous writers all the time!”

Both the girls’ eyes lit up.

A big grin spread across Ally’s face as she said, “Wait. We’re having coffee with a famous New York writer? Ohmigod, I totally need to text message everyone I know!”

Kelly laughed, and pulled her cell phone out of the pink argyle cell phone case that matched the blue argyle cell phone case on Ally’s belt. “Ohmigod, me too! Who should we text first? Wait. Normally I would text message you, but you’re here. So who should we text?”

“What about Derek? I’m totally gonna text Derek.”

Just as she was about to start thumbing in her message, Ally paused, put her cell phone away and said, “No, I’d better not. I get in trouble for texting.”

I looked over at the elaborate drink Ally was sipping and asked what she had ordered.

“It’s a white chocolate mocha with a shot of dark chocolate in it. It’s so good!”

“Wait – it’s white chocolate with dark chocolate added to it? So… isn’t that just a regular mocha?”

Ally got a puzzled look on her face, and then she and Kelly burst out laughing.

“Oh my god! You totally just blew her mind!” Kelly blurted.

I was still giggling when Dee-Dee started to change the subject to where they wanted to go shopping after breakfast. Kelly turned to me and said, “You’re just like me. I’m always laughing about stuff way after Ally stops laughing. She’s always like, ‘Why are you still laughing? That’s so not even funny anymore!’ I just always think it’s funny.”

I smiled back, “Yeah. Things are always way funnier in my head, too. They just don’t get us, do they?”

These are good girls, I thought. They have summer jobs at the lone A&W in their small Wisconsin town. I asked if they could get me free curly fries, and they promised to try. At seventeen, they already lamented the fact that their town was less idyllic than it used to be.

“We have a lot of gang problems in school. And all the girls in my sister’s class cut.”

I knew this wasn’t what Ally meant, but had to clarify, “You mean they cut class?”

“No. They cut themselves. Mostly their arms. Most of them aren’t even depressed – they just do it because they think it makes them cool. I told my sister I’d kill her if she ever did that.”

These are good girls, I thought.

I was a little sorry to see our coffee clutch disperse as we decided to get a start on the day. We tossed our cups and muffin wrappers in the mesh trash bins, and crossed the street to the parking lot. As we headed back to our cars, Ally linked her arm in Kelly’s and asked me, “Were you and Dee-Dee best friends in high school?”

“Me? No, Dee and I met during our last year of college. I only really have one friend from high school left.”

As soon as I said that, I wished I could pull it back, because I instantly saw the sad look cross over Ally’s face as she glanced over at Kelly. I tried to recover, “But you just need to try to go to the same college for at least one year. College is where you lock in most of your life-long friends.”

It didn’t matter, though, because there’s no rationalizing with the black and white extremism of seventeen year old emotions. They come fast and hard: I will never love anyone like this again. No one has ever been this sad. I will never have this much fun again. I will never forgive them. There will never be friends better than these.

We paused in front of our cars to say our goodbyes, and Ally looked at Vivian and me and said, “Aw, aren’t you guys coming shopping with us? Dee-Dee’s taking us to the cool stores on Brady Street. It’s Brady Street, right Aunt Dee?”

Vivian and I both shook our heads no. I was heading straight back to Chicago, and Vivian was flying to New York the next morning. We hugged the girls goodbye and told them to make Dee-Dee buy them some hoochie clothes on Brady Street.

As I watched the three of them pile into Dee-Dee’s car, I thought about my morning of laughing, telling stories, having fun. These girls were exactly half my age. So often we look at teenagers, see ourselves at their age, and feel sad. We think about the things we didn’t appreciate then, and wish we had back now. We look at them and regret our missed opportunities. But these girls looked at us, saw themselves at our age, and felt hopeful. They wanted to know the secret to our bond.

While pulling out of the parking lot and humming “Free Falling,” I felt a surge of seventeen year old emotions rise up in me. For a moment, the world became black and white as I looked into my rearview mirror and thought, there will never be friends better than these.

Summer Days

Evidence that perhaps I should plan more structured activities during my summer days off – a play in one act.
Me: 34-year old marketing professional, home on a day off of work
Judy: 5-year old Siamese cat, home because she’s a cat

Scene: It’s Friday at 2:32pm and Me is hanging around her apartment, hair still damp from the shower she took two hours ago. There is no food in the house, so she wanders aimlessly from room to room, picking up and setting down the same Dorothy Allison novel. Judy is sleeping peacefully on Me’s computer chair.
Me [picking up Judy and holding her high in the air]: Who’s the littlest monkey in the world? Who’s the tiniest little baby monkey I’ve ever seen? You are! Oh wait, no. I think spider monkeys might be tinier. But you’re smaller than a chimpanzee! Yes you are!
Judy says nothing, but squirms a bit.
Me [pushing Judy’s ears down]: Who’s my little lamb? You look just like a baby lamb. Who’s the littlest, tiniest lamb I’ve ever seen? What’s a lamb doing on my computer chair?
Judy remains silent, but stares intently at a spot on the floor. Her tail starts to twitch, slowly at first, then faster.
Me [lifting Judy’s ears up]: How did that bat get in my house? Why is there a vampire bat on my computer chair?
Me notices Judy’s brother, Punch, walking into the room and directs her attention toward him.
Me [lifting Punch’s front legs off the floor and making him dance]: Hey there, big fat kangaroo! How did the fattest, shortest kangaroo I’ve ever seen get into my apartment? What are you do-
Punch hisses.
THE END

Weekly Opinion Poll: Tower of Babel

At what point during my career did I cease to speak English, and adopt mumbo-jumboese as my native tongue? I think it may have been somewhere between my third and fourth years in corporate America, shortly before the universal adoption of casual Fridays, but just after email became the standard mode of communication.
Anyone who has worked in an office setting for any period of time knows exactly what I’m talking about. You swear that you won’t ever do it. You promise yourself that you’ll only use nouns as nouns and verbs as verbs, but one day, it just slips out. You’re in a meeting and in a fit of frustration you say, “Dammit, Rochelle, will you just bottom-line it for me?”

bot.tom line (bot’əm līn), n. 1. the final figure, showing profit or loss, in a financial statement. 2. the ultimate result or consideration.
-v. informal, to cut to the chase; to stop beating around the bush; to get to the point.

Now, I don’t want to imply that only corporate America speaks in a foreign language. I have many friends in the non-profit sector who also have a lingo all their own. They toss around nonsensical terms like “lit drops” and “donor drives” and “philanthropy” as if the rest of the for-profit world is supposed to understand this gibberish. It’s no wonder they don’t make any money, with all that speaking in tongues and whatnot.
But today, my gripe is not with the non-profits. It’s with me. I have crossed all lines of decency and decorum when it comes to this fine language we call American and have become that which I once despised. Why, just last week I used no less than seven catch phrases in one meeting; I may have even used a sports metaphor – I can’t be sure.
For those of you fortunate enough to have avoided the corporate sector, let me open up a window into my world:
Scene: Northwest Conference Room, Chicago, Summer 2005
Employee 1: All right, thanks everyone for coming together for this meeting on such short notice. I know everyone’s swamped right now, but I just wanted to touch base with all of you on our Go-To-Market plans for the year, and start picking your brains for next year’s plan.
Employee 2: Look, we need to go after the low-hanging fruit here. Let’s cherry pick a few of these hot ideas, run with them, and then tackle the longer-term ones later in the year.
Employee 3: Well, let me throw a wrench into this – you know that our biggest customer is MoneyCo, and they aren’t looking for an off-the-shelf product. They want a custom job.
Employee 1: What? When did they shift gears on us? I feel like I’m completely out of the loop here. Last I heard, MoneyCo was looking for more of a plug-and-play solution, but now you’re saying they want something totally custom? Well, if that’s the case, we’re really going to have to think outside the box to come up with a new product idea for them.
Employee 4: I agree! To bottom-line it, we’re going to have to fast-track any concept we come up with for them and really start working smarter, not harder if we’re going to hit our deadlines!
Employee 3: Hey, before I go back to IT with this idea, we really need to have our ducks in a row. I mean, is MoneyCo even a client we want to jump through hoops for? I heard they were being acquired by DollarTech.
Employee 1: Steve, can you parking lot that thought so we can take that discussion off-line? I don’t want us to lose focus.
Employee 3: Fine. I just want to make sure that Sales doesn’t throw me under the bus when MoneyCo starts complaining because we’ve got their product in a holding pattern.
Confused? Trust me, we all were in the beginning. It’s like those German Immersion schools – you just have to throw yourself into it and hope you’ll learn through osmosis. With that, I launch into this week’s Weekly Opinion Poll!
Question: Which corporate mumbo-jumbo catchphrase makes the hair on the back of your neck stand up every time you hear it? (write-ins are A-OK with me)
A. Think outside the box
B. Low-hanging fruit
C. Out of the loop/In the loop
D. Get some skin in the game
E. Pick your brain

[Note: special thanks to Natasha for sharing her corporate jibber jabber with me.]

Candy Girl

“Hey Jen, it’s Viv.”
“Oh. Hi.”
“So, I’ve been trying to reach you forever – where have you been?”
“Geez – I have a job, you know! I’ve had to work late every night this week. And you may recall I’m in a jug band. I’m so frickin’ sick of jug band practice. God! It’s so damn hot out! Ugh – my house smells like cat pee! Dammit, I just cleaned their litter box! So help me, if they peed behind the couch…”
[silence]
“Ooo…kay. Something bothering you, Jenny?”
“Huh? No, why?”
“Mmm… you seem kinda edgy.”
“I do? Huh. Sorry ‘bout that. So… what’s up?”
After I got off the phone with Vivian, I started to think more about what she said. Was I really edgy? The more I thought about it, I really had to admit that she was right – I just hadn’t been myself these past few weeks.
But why? What had changed?
I had to think:
• Even though I complain about it, work really hasn’t been any more stressful than usual.
• I’ve been hanging out with friends a lot.
• I’m healthier than ever since I gave up eating candy last month.
So, what the heck could be the cause of this severe mood swing? It just didn’t add up-
Wait.
One.
Minute.
Candy?
Could that have something to do with it? But… sugar is bad for you, everyone knows that. Giving it up could only make me feel better, right?
But still, it is kind of a strange coincidence that my mood started to change right about the time I gave up eating sugar. In retrospect, I kind of have been snapping at my friends lately. And I guess now that I think about it, I may have been doing a lot more huffing, puffing, and eye-rolling during meetings with my co-workers.
And that’s so unlike me – I’m not moody like that. I’m usually pretty nice. Is it possible that the sudden lack of sucrose in my diet has altered my personality? I had to know more, so I started doing some research.
Through my online investigations into the effects of sugar on the personality, I learned that “exogenously induced hyperinsulinemia further increased triglyceride production in those rats receiving dietary fructose, either as the monosaccharide or as sucrose, but not in those receiving only glucose. Thus, in the presence of fructose, but not glucose, insulin stimulates triglyceride production.”
You don’t say? Fascinating.
Furthermore, I discovered that “with the European colonization of the new world, the Caribbean became the world’s largest source of sugar. Sugar cane could be grown on these islands using slave labor at vastly lower prices than sugar beets could be grown in Europe, or cane sugar imported from the East. The largest sugar producer in the world, by 1750, was the French colony known as Saint-Domingue, which is today the independent country of Haiti. At first most sugar in Britain was used in tea, but later candies and chocolates became extremely popular. Sugar was commonly sold in solid cones and required a sugar nip, a pliers-like tool, to break off pieces.”
It was all becoming so clear to me now.
But as scintillating as all these findings were, they still didn’t really answer my question. Why the severe impact on my personality? Sure, withdrawal could explain the first few days of crabbiness, but I haven’t eaten sugar in six weeks, and my mood is still altered. There had to be a deeper explanation.
Realizing that the best way to truly know yourself is to rely on the opinions of others, I dug out the most raw, reliable resource I could think of – my Junior High School yearbooks. I mean, if the people who knew me when I had Sally Jesse Raphael glasses, braces, and a Sheena Easton hairdo didn’t know the true Jenny, then who would?
I flipped to my seventh grade photo – good god! Could my shirt possibly have any more snaps and zippers? Lord, why did my mother let me out the door looking like that?
Oh god, look at Andrea! This was just before she got weird and shaved all her body hair off at that party freshman year. That was freaky.
Oh. Oh gosh. Cody. Oh Cody, what ever happened to you, with your lightning bolt earring, streaked hair and checkerboard Vans? I would have carried your skateboard to the ends of the earth, if only you had let me.
After taking a quick break from my research to write “Cody + Jenny 4Ever” on my forearm and tennis shoes in blue ballpoint ink, I realized that I needed to get back to the matter at hand. I had to dig into my past to understand what was happening to me. I knew the answers were not hidden in the tan cheeks of my beloved rebel, but rather in the written word.
What did my friends write about me? What did they think of me? I was almost a bit afraid to flip to the back of the yearbook and see what they all wrote, but I knew I had to do it. My findings were shocking, to say the least (emphasis mine):


Jenny –
Stay sweet ‘n cool!
– Luv Kelly
Jen –
2 sweet
2 be
4 gotten
BFF!
– Katie
Jenny –
Glad I got to know you
this year – you’re
such a sweetie!
Go Indians!
XXOO – Kristy
Jen –
See you in summer school!
GAG! P.E. sucks!
Stay sweet!
Luv ya,
Kimmie
Skate or die!
Cody

So there it was – the people who knew me best thought I was… sweet. The answer was staring me in the face, as plain as the purple ink my friends all wrote in. I just discovered that my dominant personality trait is directly linked to my sugar consumption. All these years, it wasn’t my upbringing that made me a nice person, it was my diet. I’ve eaten candy all my life – from Now & Laters to Nerds, from Milk Duds to Marshmallow Peeps. Why, I was on the cutting edge of candy chic when I brought the first bubblegum hamburger into class.
Now somehow, this steady flow of sugar into my system must have been modifying my personality, making me the sweet, lovable person I was, up until six weeks ago.
So what do I do? What if this is my true personality? What if I’m really just a short-tempered, mean-spirited, nasty shrew and I’ve just masked that fact through 34 years of steady self-medication?
I had to call Vivian back to share my findings. She has always been the voice of reason for me when I stray from the path of sanity, and I needed her help more than ever before.
“Hey Viv, it’s Jen.”
“Hey. What’s up?”
“Remember a while back, when you called me to talk, and I flipped out on you for no reason? Maybe you don’t remember that, but I’ve been doing a lot of research to figure out why I-“
“Jenny, that was this morning.”
“Oh. That’s right. Well anyway, since then, I’ve been digging through my old Junior High School yearbooks to try to find out-“
“Junior High?! Ohmigod – I haven’t thought about Junior High since… forever. Oh gosh. Oh Toni. What ever happened to her? I would have carried her guitar case to the ends…”
“Viv. Hey – Vivian! Memory Lane is closed for repairs. This is about me figuring out my crabbiness, remember?”
“Huh? Oh. Sorry. Okay – what were you saying?”
“Anyway, I think that maybe I have fundamentally altered my personality by giving up sugar. Do you think that’s possible?”
“Wait – you gave up sugar? Well, no wonder! Jen, you eat more sweets than anyone I know, so for you to just give it up cold turkey, without some sort of support group was probably not the smartest thing to do. Your body is in a state of shock right now!”
“See – that’s what I thought! So what do I need to do?”
“Look, at this moment, your body is hanging onto every molecule of sucrose it possibly can. The harder your body fights, the bitchier you’re going to become. And since I’m planning a trip back to Chicago in August, it’s really important that we put you through some rapid detox before I get there.”
“I’ll do whatever it takes. Just tell me what I should do.”
“Okay, I’ve been through this before with a friend of mine who was trying to quit smoking – it’s basically the same thing. First, you need to clear your body of all its impurities. The best way to do that is with a high colonic.”
“What’s that?”
“It’s like this intense enema where they pump about 10 gallons of fluid into your rectum so that it flushes out everything in your entire colon, from top to bottom. It’s like wiping your intestinal slate clean.”
“Uh, sounds kind of hard core. Have you ever had one?”
“Of course not, but I don’t eat meat like you do. Anyway, once your colon is purified, you need to start filling your body with more nutritious foods. No more of this processed poison that you eat every day. I’ll send you a link to the raw foods diet program – it helped my friend out immensely when the nicotine cravings kicked in.
“So wait, everything is raw? Like just raw carrots and celery? Can I eat sushi?”
“Mmm… not sure. I don’t think so, though. I think it’s mostly grains and raw vegetables. It’ll all be on the site. Okay, then the last thing you’ve got to do is give up alcohol. There’s a lot of sugar in alcohol, so it will just prolong your detoxification period if you keep drinking.”
“I can’t drink at all?”
“No.”
“What about wine?”
“No. Tons of sugar.”
“Scotch?”
“Nope.”
“Old-fashioneds?”
“Don’t you put a sugar cube in those?”
“Yes, but I could use Sweet ‘n Low inst-“
“No. Look, Jenny, if we’re going to get this sweet, chewy monkey off your back, we’ve got to do it the right way”
“All right. Well, if it’ll get me back to my old self, then I guess it will be worth it. I knew you’d know what to do, Viv. Thanks!”
“Anytime.”
Everyone should have someone like Vivian in their lives – a grounding influence, a sounding board, a problem solver. It just made me feel so happy to know that she cared enough about my well-being to put together such a strict regimen for me, so I could get back to being my old self.
Come to think of it, I should probably buy her a thank-you card. As I recall, the greeting cards are right next to the candy aisle at the Jewel, and if I leave right now, I can hit the liquor department on my way out and still have time to run through the KFC drive-thru… sweet!

If/Then

I’m not exactly sure why – possibly for entertainment’s sake, maybe for shock value, perhaps out of morbid curiosity – but whatever the reason, my friends and I tend to bat around a lot of “what if” scenarios when we get together.
You know, things like:
What if I walked up to the karaoke mic and just started sobbing?
What if I jumped onto that ladder on the train, just as it was pulling away?
What if I got a neck tattoo of Mr. Peabody from the Rocky and Bullwinkle Show?

So it didn’t really faze me when, a few weeks ago at a birthday dinner for a friend of ours, Seamus asked, “What if I made myself faint right now?”
There was a group of about twelve of us sitting at a long table in Buffalo Wild Wings, the place for gourmet chicken wings (an oxymoron if I’ve ever heard one). Being of delicate gastrointestinal constitution, I opted to gnaw on a few celery sticks while my friends all transformed into grunting savages, constructing greasy catacombs of chicken bones on either side of me. No one even made eye contact for the first thirty minutes we were there. At one point, I reached for the bleu cheese dip and heard someone hiss.
I peered over the mountain of coagulated cheese fries and crumpled lemon scented handi-wipes, and asked Seamus, “Why would you want to make yourself faint?”
“I don’t know – because I can. I’ve done it before, you know.”
I didn’t buy it.
“When? Tell me when you made yourself faint.”
Seamus licked his fingers, shrugged his shoulders and said, “In high school.”
“That’s disturbing. I think there was an Oprah special on that. It’s some weird sex thing, isn’t it? Wait – don’t answer that. I seriously don’t want to know.”
“No, no, no. It’s just to make yourself faint. It’s kind of fun.”
“You, my friend, are a freak.”
“But really, what if I made myself faint right now?”
“I’d laugh. Then steal your wallet.”
“Okay, I’m gonna try.”
“Dude! We’re in Buffalo Wild Wings! That’s embarrassing enough. Please do not make yourself pass out in a plate of boneless garlic mustard wings. Please?”
An evil grin crossed Seamus’ lips as he got a far away look in his eyes and gently pressed his hands against his neck.
I became increasingly nervous as I watched Seamus’ face become a blotchy shade of crimson. “Seamus! I’m not kidding! Stop it! Seriously – stop it! What the hell is wrong with you?!”
I kicked his shin hard underneath the table, at which point he let out a burst of laughter. Seamus wiped his watery eyes and said, “Dammit, Jenny! I was almost there!”
“Note to self: find sane friends,” I muttered, as I checked to see who was calling on my cell phone.
Later that evening, Lazlo and I met up with Natasha and Farnsworth at a punk bar. The next day, I made a point of telling people that it was a punk bar because I wanted them to know exactly how cool I am. How hip. How down with the punk scene. I mean, I know who The Ramones are. I know, because my friend Deirdre accidentally dressed up as Joey Ramone one Halloween. Her intent was to be Uma Thurman’s character in Pulp Fiction, but when people kept saying, “Hey! Awesome Joey Ramone costume,” she just kind of went with it.
Fortunately for me, we had found the only punk bar in town that served food until midnight, so I ordered a cheeseburger to complement the two dozen celery sticks that had sustained me earlier in the evening.
Anyway, as it often does, the topic of conversation switched to my romantic fascination with twins (which, FYI, I am so over now).
Natasha asked, “Okay, what if someone set you up on a blind date with a twin, but didn’t tell you they were conjoined twins?”
“Do you know conjoined twins?”
“Maybe.”
I thought about it for a second and replied, “As long as they were nice, and career oriented, I’d be fine with it.”
“Liar!”
“I’m the liar? I’m the liar? So – somehow in the ten years I’ve known you, you just never mentioned that you were best friends with some conjoined twins?”
“I never said best friends. And you don’t own me! My life is full of mystery!”
Lazlo piped in, “Okay, what about conjoined twins who didn’t know they were twins?”
“Come again?”
“You know, like vestigial twins.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
Natasha jumped in, “You know – when the second twin doesn’t fully form, so the main twin just has like, a tuft of hair, or a foot, or teeth growing out of a part of his body.”
“Guys! Geez – I’m not done eating! No wait… bile rising… throat closing… and… I’m done. Thanks. Thanks a lot.” I said, shoving my plate aside and tossing my napkin atop the half-eaten burger.
Farnsworth, who up until this point seemed completely oblivious to our conversation, suddenly chimed in, “Come on – that would really bother you?”
“Uh, yeah. Please! Do not even try to tell me that you wouldn’t be freaked out by that! Natasha, back me up on this one!”
Nat tried her best to look angry and said, “Nice, Jenny. You know that my mom has a twin head in her back. Really nice. Aunt Kate is totally sweet, if you’d ever take the time to get to know her.”
“Shut up! Why are you trying to give me another ulcer?”
Lazlo was all too intrigued by the topic. He finished the last of his beer, leaned in and asked, “Wait – so, what if I told you I had a vestigial twin in my arm that was just an upper set of teeth and one non-functioning eyeball?”
“I would vomit and ask you to never again wear short sleeves in my presence.”
“Are you serious?”
“Completely.”
“That would really bother you?”
“It would repulse me.”
“God, you’re shallow.”
“Like a kiddie pool in a drought.”

Kickin’ It OG Style

Stop it.
Stop judging me.
Just because I ended yet another evening with a few too many drinks and my pants mysteriously unbuttoning doesn’t give you the right to pass judgment on me.
I’m not ashamed, you know. I know it may seem like I am, because I don’t talk about it a lot, but I’m not. Really. I do this almost once a month, and I like it better every time. I never get tired of it. In fact, I did it again this past weekend. With my parents.
That’s right. We went to Olive Garden.
Yes, I am Italian. And you know what? It’s just like they show in those commercials – real Italians do eat at Olive Garden. And we like it. Sometimes we bring our Uncle Nino with us when he visits from Palermo. And he likes it, too, especially when we all link arms and belt out Volare while waiting for our heaping bowl of salad to arrive.
I just wish the rest of the world could be as open and loving as Olive Garden. If we could all just set aside our differences for one minute and try the new Garlic Shrimp Limoné with angel hair pasta, I think we’d all be better for it. It’s available for a limited time only.
Oh, hello Adam. I’m so pleased you’ll be our waiter this evening. Your warm smile and ready basket of breadsticks are exactly what I needed tonight. Why yes, that raspberry lemonade does sound quite refreshing on such a hot day, but I believe I would prefer a nice glass of your house red, instead.
See, Adam doesn’t give me a sideways glance when I ask for more salad. He doesn’t look at me with self-righteous indignation when I request another glass of red wine, even though I am only halfway done with my first one. Adam understands that I just like to be prepared, and that I respect his time as our waiter.
Well, let’s see. Do I go with the reliably delectable eggplant parmigiana for $10.95, or pull out my passport and choose the Tour of Italy for $14.95 – fettuccine Alfredo, homemade lasagna, and chicken parmigiana all on one plate? Can you even imagine such joy?! Just like Mama makes it!
Oh, my. If only I had saved room for the seasonal Berries and Zabaione, or the Italian classic, Tiramisu. But alas, I couldn’t leave a morsel of your scrumptious pasta with marinara sauce on my plate, so I am afraid I am too full. But perhaps next time?
And yes, there will most definitely be a next time. Because aside from making me feel like I can be myself, like I don’t have to prove anything to anyone, Olive Garden also knows how to keep me coming back. As soon as I’m done writing this, I’m going to hop on www.olivegarden.com to fill out my satisfaction survey – good for one $3 coupon for future use!
Now that’s how you treat a lady.

Weekly Opinion Poll: Underdog

“Hey, Natasha – it’s Jen. Just wanted to see what you were up to tonight. I’m just hanging out, watching Season 3 of Six Feet Under. Give me a call. Talk to you later – bye!”
“Hey Jen – just got your message. What up, dog? You’ll love Season 3! So what’d you do this weekend?”
“Ohmigod – I went to see Charlie & the Chocolate Factory! It’s so totally my new favorite movie! You seriously have to see it ASAP. It was awesome. Johnny Depp was hilarious! Tim Burton did such a good job with the-”
“Shhh! Stop! Don’t tell me about it! I want to go see it next weekend.”
“But I was just gonna say that it was really cool because they-“
“Jenny! I’m serious! I don’t want you to spoil it for me!”
“Okay, Nat. You’ve seen the original movie what? Like fifteen times? I think you’re pretty familiar with the story.”
“Well… how do I know how they changed it?”
”No, no. You’re right. I don’t want to spoil it. Especially that part where Veruca Salt kills Willy Wonka and enslaves the Oompa Loompas. I so did not see that coming.”
“Dammit, Jenny! See – now because you said that, I know it didn’t happen. Just stop talking about it!”
“Nat – killing Willy Wonka? You’ve read the book. Do you honestly think that they kill off Willy Wonka?”
“Look – it’s Tim Burton. He’s crazy. How do I know what liberties he took with the script?”
“Okay, whatever. I’m sorry. The movie sucked. You shouldn’t see it. Everyone dies. The chocolate river is really made of poo. Willy Wonka is a serial killer. Rosebud is a wagon. Aliens pop out of Charlie’s stomach. The cops are all in on it.”
“SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!”
[click]
See, what Natasha didn’t let me explain is that the reason I loved Charlie & the Chocolate Factory so much is because it’s a great story of the little guy winning out over the rich and powerful. Charlie was poor! He only got one candy bar a year! But he found that golden ticket, by golly – he found it! And he had a good heart, too! He wasn’t greedy, or mean, or competitive. His kindness wins out in the end.
Man, I love a good underdog tale. I love rooting for the kid everyone else thinks is a loser, the kid who has no business being here, the kid with all the odds stacked against him. My money’s on that kid!
Which leads me to this week’s Weekly Opinion Poll!
Question: What is your favorite “underdog” movie? (as always, write-ins happily accepted):
A) Charlie & the Chocolate Factory (or Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory)
B) Rudy
C) Swingers
D) The Bad News Bears
E) Rocky
F) My Bodyguard
G) Hoosiers