Doomed to Repeat It

“Hey Dee, it’s Jen.”
“Oh hey! So how’s it-“
“What blood type are you?”
“What? Why?”
“I think I might need a transfusion.”
“Oh god. What now?”
“So… I bought a new bathing suit for our trip next week.”
“Uh huh.”
“And decided to give myself a bikini wax…”
“Oh you didn’t! Did you take Advil before hand?”
“Dee, I’m in so much pain right now. I think I see bone.”
“Didn’t we already go through this once before? I swear I’ve had this exact conversation with you.”
She was right. She had. It was probably six or seven years ago when I first got roped into an infomercial for Nad’s Natural Hair Removal Gel. There was something about the announcer that drew me in – maybe it was her kind eyes or her friendly smile, but I was transfixed by that Australian woman’s story. She invented Nad’s because, as she explained, “me daughtas had veery heery ahms.” To protect her daughters from the cruel playground teasing, she created her very own all natural hair removal product to help them feel better about themselves.
“Eet’s awl natural,” she said, “Mide with honey ind sugah.”
I seem to recall her saying that you could even eat it, but it was a late night infomercial, so maybe I was delirious. I bought the kit, followed the directions, and remember calling Dee-Dee one evening, almost in tears.
“I can’t tear it off, Dee. It hurts too much.”
“You just have to do it. Count to three and rip.”
“I’ve tried that. I just keep getting to three and stopping. I think I need to take a bath to wash it off.”
I’ve always heard that the human brain cannot remember pain, which is obviously a good thing or we probably would have died out long ago. It must be true, because this afternoon when I was in Target and saw the Nad’s kit sitting on the shelf amidst all the razors and shave gels, all I remembered was the part about being able to eat it.
They had even improved the formula, according to the box, by adding nourishing kiwi and soothing mint. I got home, poured myself a beer, and went into the bathroom to begin the process to hairlessness.
I guess my first clue should have been the fact that they now include alcohol cleansing swabs as an initial prep. This is apparently to ward off infection when the first eight layers of protective skin cells are forcibly ripped from your loins.
My second warning sign came when I discovered the consistency of the gel. I seem to remember it being much more liquid, less solid. When I stuck the applicator into the gel, it felt like trying to shove a butter knife into a warm candle.
Australian Home Torture Kit
“Oh, right. I remember – it melts with your body heat as you apply it.”
This was a lie. Not only did it not melt, it actually started to rip out the hair as I was applying it. I tried to warm up the applicator by running it under hot water, but it did no good. It was kind of like trying to spread ice cold butter onto dry toast – tiny blobs of the gel clumped together across my delicate bikini area, leaving bare spots in between.
At one point, the applicator got stuck to my upper thigh and I had to apply a warm wash cloth to remove it. I thought about giving up at that point, but by this time, I was pretty much committed to the process so I decided to soldier on and applied the cloth strips to the gel.
All it would take now was to apply three quick swipes across the cloth with my hand, grab the lower edge of the strip and pull. And pull. Pull the strip. Just pull it. Take the edge of the strip and pull it quickly. Right, grab that bottom part and pull. Now. Right now. Okay, then, on the count of three. One, two, three, PULL! You didn’t pull.
This internal struggle went on for about ten minutes as I sipped my beer and tried to gain the courage to remove the strip. When I finally ripped off the first strip, I screamed a few expletives, but then looked down at the newly smooth bikini area and felt I had made the right decision. Until the blood came. A few tiny beads at first, and then a few more, and a few more. It appeared that I had actually pulled my veins out through my thigh. It was at that point that I grabbed the phone and called Dee-Dee.
”I told you to leave that kind of thing to the professionals, Jenny.”
“I know, I know… but that’s just way too intimate for me.”
“And look where you are now.”
“Seriously. Oh, shit! I just remembered that I have a gynecologist appointment on Thursday!”
“Oh my god! Why don’t you just go for the trifecta and get a high colonic this week while you’re at it?!”
“No kidding! What’s she going to say when I hobble in there with oozing sores on my inner thighs? She’s gonna make me take that Chlamydia test again…”
“I mean for the first time.”
“Well, call me if you start to feel light headed. I’ll have Nat drive you to the ER.”
“Will do. I think the bleeding has stopped, though. And you know, once all the swelling and redness goes away in 6-8 weeks or so, I’ll probably look great.”
“Just in time for your next waxing.”

31 Responses to “Doomed to Repeat It”

  1. Dave2 Says:

    I must say… that NAD’S does look delicious. I wonder how it tastes smeared on a bagel?

  2. serap Says:

    Jen, you have to go to a professional!! They are very good at putting people at ease, and the whole process is so quick that you don’t have time to say ‘actually that hurts too much, please stop now’. Attempting to nad yourself is just silly. I have no sympathy for you!

  3. Sarah Says:

    I second serap. I have so many body issues I don’t even allow myself to see my own body, but bikini waxes are strangely not at all as awkward or painful as you’d think. I can’t figure out why.
    One of my best friends in college was a butcher than butch Spanish tennis player. She used Nads on her legs…just enough to almost clear off the flesh exposed by her tennis skirt. She was reduced to crying like Little Miss Muffet every single time. Too rich for my blood.

  4. jenny Says:

    dave2: a statement like that could get you a lot of dates in my neighborhood. (btw – i totally tasted it!)
    serap: what? not even a little sympathy for a sister in agony? that’s cold blooded, serap.
    sarah: et tu, sarah? et tu?

  5. Strode Says:

    I may have peed just a bit reading that. Thanks.

  6. Roy Says:

    I’m sure this was a good post, but I couldn’t finish it. Sorry.

  7. Tracy Lynn Says:

    Dude, if God wanted you to be hairless there, He wouldn’t have made every way of removing that bikini line hair so fucking painful, now, would He?
    Although you might have been able to do it if you had had more beers.

  8. peefer Says:

    Sadly, because of a foolish past, I know exactly what you’ve been through. I cry for you, Jenny. Buckets full.

  9. Hilly Says:

    OMG, the day I used Nad’s is the day I stopped waxing myself down there! Holy Crap, I too was roped in to the whole promise of it all then was severely disappointed and sore after all of that!

  10. jenny Says:

    strode: uh oh… hope you weren’t at work! :)
    roy: it’s okay. it was all about scary female stuff anyway. i should have posted a warning…
    tracy lynn: i thought about more beer, but then i remembered that alcohol is a blood thinner, and i was already down a few pints of A positive.
    peefer: finally – some sympathy! but i know you’re just trying to make me feel better… there’s no way you ever tried to wax your nether regions. is there? do tell!
    hilly: i know! where’s the truth in advertising? they make it look so easy and painless on that ad – lousy australians!

  11. Seamus Says:

    Bacon strip?

  12. shari Says:

    OK, I do my own brazilian with great success. I’ve never tried Nads, but with a name like that? Seriously, what were you expecting…
    The professionals are very professional about the whole thing, so it really isn’t embarrassing.
    However, the pros are also very expensive, plus tip. And really, if I had their job, I’d charge a lot too, so y’know… Anyway, just go to the beauty supply store, and get the water-washable Nair wax, or better yet, the strip-free wax that you don’t use cloth strips with. You will call and thank me. Honest. But if for some reason it doesn’t work, call Dee Dee. ;)

  13. jenny Says:

    seamus: i can’t even look at you right now.
    shari: you do your own brazilian? are you insane?!? nair is made with hydrochloric acid, or something like that… it’s not coming within 10 ft of my lady parts!

  14. Princess Pointful Says:

    I, too, once tried an at home bikini wax. Thankfully, the wax only spread to about a centimeter patch at a time- therefore, I was able to realize what a HORRIBLE MISTAKE the idea was after only a small portion of my hair was horribly wrenched out. Gah.

  15. Jacki Says:

    As an Australian I will say sorry for the name of the product, and the silly way we talk, and for the Wiggles.
    BUT, we don’t see the waxing thing as all that painful, I even went close to dozing off during a professional bikini wax once. Perhaps American skin is more sensitive?
    OR we send America the nasty wax as punishment for Paris Hilton?

  16. shari Says:

    Ha! Jacki made me laugh out loud!!!

  17. jenny Says:

    princess: you were much wiser than me – i started out of the gate trying to slather on a couple inches worth!
    jacki: an aussie! ok – so can i then assume that “nad’s” doesn’t carry the same meaning in australia? but really – you fell asleep during a bikini wax? i knew your people were badasses, but that’s a bit ridiculous!
    shari: if you can give yourself home brazilians, you might be part australian.

  18. Iron Fist Says:

    I think Australia must have invented Nad’s as some sort of sick joke to play on Americans. I’m pretty sure they just use giant knives for all their hair-removal needs down under. Didn’t you see Crocodile Dundee?

  19. claire Says:

    Those ads always did look so promising with their painless promises. Her Aussie accent nearly sucked me in with its hypnotic good sounds, but I remained leery. Yours is the ultimate cautionary tale.
    And yes, I remember the eating thing too. There was even an episode of Friends where a bunch of them get stuck in a bedroom for hours (while Ross and Rachel decide to ‘take a break’ I think) and a couple of them end up eating hair removal wax. Clearly, I watch and remember far too much tv.

  20. Robin Says:

    OMG, I totally got sucked into that infomercial as well. It was a horrible experience. Thanks for bringing that up…

  21. churlita Says:

    I’m too chicken to ever wax. Isn’t Nads another name for cajones? Why would they name a lady product after man parts?

  22. Jacki Says:

    that’s the funny thing – In Australia Nads is a shortened version of the word Gonads which refers to men’s testicles!!
    But in saying that, the woman probably was not aware of this when naming the product, and named it for the initials of her daughters or such nonsense!!
    Or she could have just had a really cool sense of humour.

  23. You can call me, 'Sir' Says:

    The oozing sores and the chlamydia just added an extra ‘t’ to your already two-‘t’ hott(t!)ness.

  24. You can call me, 'Sir' Says:

    The oozing sores and the chlamydia just added an extra ‘t’ to your already two-‘t’ hott(t!)ness.

  25. jenny Says:

    iron fist: giant knife, you say? hmmm… can’t be more painful than what i tried!
    claire: OMG – that’s too funny – i don’t remember that episode of “friends.” soooo sick.
    robin: anytime – glad i could be of service. ;)
    churlita: indeed, it is. they even make a “nad’s for men” now… i swear it’s true!
    jacki: ok – now that i know it means the same in australia as it does here, that’s even worse! didn’t someone mention that to her when she was coming up with product names?!?
    sir: wow – three “t’s” now? i’ve never been hottter. really, i should get a publicist – is it any wonder i’m still single when i use the word “oozing” in reference to any part of my body?

  26. Anonymous Says:

    Dear Jenny,
    This is exactly why I wear boxers.

  27. Cheryl Says:

    Just getting a pedicure makes me nervous, so I’m with you on not bringing in the pros. I’m a fan of Veet, which is like Nair, but comes with a little toy plastic “razor” to “shave” the cream off. If all else fails, I’m also a fan of suits with boy-shorts bottoms.

  28. sandra Says:

    I’d actually just bought some of that. Maybe not using it so much…

  29. amanda Says:

    holy moses. does it tell you to trim first – they might have helped. not a DYI type of thing – if only for the extreme angle and flexibility required.
    here’s to a speedy recovery.

  30. jenny Says:

    vivian: how very gertrude stein of you.
    cheryl: that’s the funny thing – my suit is totally one of those skirt-bottoms, so all my pain was completely unnecessary.
    sandra: here’s the thing… even though it just happened, and it was so painful, and i wrote about it so as not to forget, i kind of want to try it again. what’s wrong with me?
    amanda: well… it doesn’t give that suggestion, but i did anyway and it STILL hurt like a mofo. maybe i’m a baby…

  31. Sarah Says:

    I had to come back just to see what I could learn from your comments.
    This post covers so many bases in the world of hair removal that you’re gonna be the number one search result for basically every Google query ever of all times.
    Am I dreaming, or does someone here give THEMSELVES a bikini wax????

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