What’s Your AQ?
The wonderful thing about being near-middle aged is that it has given me the perspective to disdain not only the old, but the young as well. Now that I’m almost 37, I have come to discover that there are three distinct stages to life: Annoying > Not Annoying > Annoying Again.
Babies are annoying because they cry a lot and poop in their pants. Kids are annoying because they ask too many questions and need too much attention. Teens are annoying because they wear clothes that are a) too small or b) too big. Twenty-somethings are annoying because they think they run the world. And then people over 60 are annoying because they think they have earned the right to be rude to everyone.
I call this phenomenon the Annoying Quotient, and thanks to my Big Idea White Board™, I have been able to graph out the exact points at which the AQ is at its lowest, also known as the “Sweet Spot.”
As you can see, the sweet spot begins at around age 32 and lasts until age 52*. During this twenty-year span, a person is at her most productive and least annoying, and therefore is the greatest contributor to society.
[click to enlarge]
There’s something about the Big Idea White Board™ that just gets my creative juices flowing, so much so that I was inspired to write these two poems:
Ode to the Young
Look at me! I’m young! I’m young! I can listen to Talking Heads cover bands and dance like a hippie elf at a bonfire!
I’m young! I’m young! I can wear ironic t-shirts and skinny jeans while I text message all my friends who are sitting right next to me in the movie theatre!
Hey! I’m young! I’m young! My friends and I can all lollygag on the escalator during rush hour at the train station because we don’t really have to catch a train, we’re just here to get a Jamba Juice.
Look at me! I’m young! I’m young! I put purple dye in my hair and spike it up four inches like I invented punk rock, and then I give you a dirty look if you look at my purple spiked hair, even though the only reason I style it like this is so that people will look at me.
Ode to the Aged
Look at me! I’m old! I’m old! I’m going to stand next to you and keep harrumphing loudly until you get out of my way at the DSW so I can try on these Aerosoles shoes.
I’m old! I’m old! I’m going to shove your shoebox off this bench without saying a word to you because I’m old and I need to sit down.
I’m old! I’m old! I’m going to pretend it’s the future and we all drive around in hovercrafts, which is why my Buick LeSabre keeps floating in between two lanes while I drive seven miles below the speed limit.
I’m old! I’m old! I’m going to cross against the light in the middle of a busy intersection because a) I can’t see the Don’t Walk sign or b) I’m old and I don’t give a damn because no one will dare run over an old person.
I’d better make the most of these next 15 years, because it’s all Aerosoles and hovercrafts after that.
*Ed. Note: If any of you fall outside of the sweet spot, I’m not saying that you annoy me. It’s all your friends who annoy me.
Filed under: General on February 25th, 2008
February 24th, 2008 at 10:46 pm
Now I know 32 is the beginning of my prime! Only 9 more years!
February 24th, 2008 at 11:14 pm
Ooh, I’m in the sweet spot! I’m not sure how productive I am, but who am I to argue with the Big Idea White Board™?
That’s a nice bit of existentialism too, as according to the graph, annoyingness doesn’t precede or succeed existence.
February 25th, 2008 at 12:37 am
I am so totally in the sweet spot. 31 was like putting my toes in the tub, 32 was like submerging both feet in the hot water, 33 I walked on the water like Jesus and now, just a week after my 34th birthday I feel like I am finally all in… and woah, not to churn up metaphors beyond recognition but I always wondered what they meant when they talked about finding their sweet spot in the tub. Now I know!
February 25th, 2008 at 1:01 am
I can see that you really did put a lot of research into this one… you’ve got a nice annoyance peak at age 21 which, of course, is absolutely correct. It is nice to see that I haven’t yet started climbing out of the non-annoyance valley yet!
February 25th, 2008 at 7:14 am
kilax: 9 years? my god – you have so much time to prepare. i might suggest buying a white board sometime around age 28 or so, just to put you ahead of the curve.
claire: you really can’t argue with the white board. it speaks only the truth.
asia: and you’re at the early stages of the sweet spot, so who knows what you’ll be doing in that tub over the next decade. sky’s the limit!
dave2: yes, 21 is a definite peak year for AQ. all the white boards in the world can’t stop that.
February 25th, 2008 at 8:48 am
I wrote something the other day detailing my unholy and totally incomprehensible hatred of certain flip-flop wearing college youth. There are good and bad things involved with being a 35-year old grad student, and one of the bad involves being surrounded by the future leaders of America, with their overwrought self-importance and assumption that everyone needs to hear what they’re yelling into their cell phone. Do I sound old? I sound old, don’t I.
February 25th, 2008 at 8:48 am
I wrote something the other day detailing my unholy and totally incomprehensible hatred of certain flip-flop wearing college youth. There are good and bad things involved with being a 35-year old grad student, and one of the bad involves being surrounded by the future leaders of America, with their overwrought self-importance and assumption that everyone needs to hear what they’re yelling into their cell phone. Do I sound old? I sound old, don’t I.
February 25th, 2008 at 9:10 am
i hear what you’re saying. don’t sleep on the sweet spot. take advantage of what’s to come.
February 25th, 2008 at 9:16 am
Uh oh.
Oh well. YOU KIDS GET OFF MY YARD GODDAMMITT!!!1
February 25th, 2008 at 9:50 am
sir: oh, don’t get me started on the flip-flops. that would require an entirely new white board graph.
brandon: vegas has made you randy. your pen is, indeed, pumped.
roy: oh, come on. you’ve got the AQ of a 34 year old, and we all know it!
February 25th, 2008 at 11:11 am
i’m annoying, huh? guess that’s why all of my friends have stopped calling and i never get invited to any parties.
February 25th, 2008 at 11:25 am
What is it about Buicks and old white people?
February 25th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
kat: are your friends in or out of the sweet spot? because if they’re in the sweet spot, then yes, that’s why. if they’re outside of the sweet spot, then they’ve stopped calling because they’re jerks.
rhea: i don’t know… i think it’s the same thing with ford tauruses and sales people. they just go together like peas and carrots.
February 25th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
Yea! I’m right smack dab in the middle of the sweet spot. The only drag is that I’m still annoying, so what will I be like when I’m 60? Wait. don’t answer that.
February 25th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
See, here’s the thing Kat: if you come to TequilaCon, where there will be many people IN the sweet spot, you get bonus points toward lowering the AQ for your age. Isn’t that right, Jenny?
February 25th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
Ah man, I am SO close to the sweet spot.
February 25th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
I’m in the sweet spot, too. Woo hoo! Great research you’ve done here. I’m 41 and hoping that I don’t start whining about my health problems for decades to come.
February 25th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
churlita: some people develop later in the AQ lifecycle, so it may be that you’re still operating at a 31-year old’s AQ. don’t stress out – you should be less annoying next year.
shari: that’s some fancy lawyer logic you just used on me, isn’t it?
heather anne: awesome! then you should work hard to get all your annoyingness out now before you hit the sweet spot.
karl: thank you! it took a lot of late hours gathering and analyzing the data, but i feel pretty solid about the results.
February 25th, 2008 at 8:32 pm
I’ve got one year and two months left to dye my hair purple. Then I will immediately start writing the most brilliant novel in the world. It’s good to have a plan.
February 25th, 2008 at 10:36 pm
Apparently, I missed the part of the sweet spot where you buy your Big Idea White Board.
I’d better hurry. I’ve only got six years left to get my ass to Staples.
February 25th, 2008 at 10:55 pm
Yes! Something to look forward to! Sweet spot, here I come!
February 25th, 2008 at 11:21 pm
cheryl: you should be sure to hang out at Jamba Juice a lot and look bored for the next 14 months, too.
communicatrix: get thee to an office max, woman! and take it from me, don’t buy the cheapest white board stand – you need something sturdy enough to capture all your sweet spot brilliance.
vahid: it’s like you have your whole life ahead of you!
February 26th, 2008 at 9:15 pm
Fifty-two????Are you kidding???? So that my blog became annoying two years ago when I turned 52???? Or was it just me????
Nahhh. I was MUCH more annoying at 37. So watch out.
February 26th, 2008 at 9:43 pm
nina: look, this study was based on national averages, so of course there are going to be anomalies here and there. some people hit their peak earlier, some later, but you can’t argue with a scientific study like this.
February 27th, 2008 at 7:31 am
So, does this mean if the person who falls outside the sweet spot is a quadruplet, laughing with his/her siblings, they are no longer annoying? Just wondering.